Mayhem and Motherhood

Hello

2007-11-07T23:13:00.001-06:00

I have really been missing my blogging. For some strange reason I have this terrible habit of telling myself that anything I enjoy can't be fit into my life. My twins are 19 months old. How crazy is that. When I can remember how to post a picture i'll do that. Emma is 4 1/2 and an amazingly aware little girl. Who is still on blogger?

Emma's future

2007-01-07T07:41:00.000-06:00

We took Maddie to the doctor the other day to check for the infamous ear infection. While there Emma said something she' s never said before. She said "When I grow up I want to be a doctor"

wow what a proud moment. Not sure why it evoked pride, maybe because it is a huge goal that our culture esteems as being better than something else. Anyway, we came home and told daddy about her new interest. Then he asked her why she chose this. "Oh", she says, while holding onto her candy cane from the doctor "because when i'm a doctor i'll give ALL the kids candy too!!!"

Oh yes, so proud.

The next day we were filling up at the gas station. Emma says to Jon, "Daddy when I grow up I want to be a gasser" A gasser? he asks "yeah" she says as she motions to the gas jockey filling up our vehicle.

Oh, so proud.

my kids

2006-11-16T16:27:00.000-06:00

i'm having a pretty tough month thus no blogging. Just thought i'd post a pic of my three girls in their new chariot. Unfortunately for Emma she doesn't want to walk so gets squished into the front on the floor. Fortunately for me it's really easy to push!! When we were getting out this was divine to take all 3 out for walks in. As you can tell kate on the left is taller than maddie. Still 5 lbs difference. Maddie is ahead in her teeth count though. Up to 4. Emma I believe has all of hers!!

My kids

2006-10-13T17:05:00.000-05:00

Here is Emma and me.

Madison is the baldy and Kate has the hair.

blessed sleep

2006-09-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading a book that I believe God sent my way. It is on sleep in babies and little tykes and a overview of what "the experts" are saying about it.

I have had a tough week recooperating from last week with everyone sick and crabby. Tough because everything i've done so far to accomplish this overwhelming task seemed to be screaming "you idiot, you did it all wrong". If only... (this one gets me alot) you would have put them on a routine from the beginning you wouldn't be having these problems with them napping at different times and sleeping differently at night. if only you had taken maddie to the doctor more consistently she'd have had her colic and poops figured out by now, if only you'd been consistent with the bottle kate would let daddy put her to sleep, if only you hadn't gotten in the habit of nursing kate to sleep she'd just miracuolously be put down in her crib awake, know it's bedtime and figure out how to fall asleep on her own. It's called sleep training apparently and parents work at it from birth to establish healthy "sleep routines" for their kids so they don't get stuck in the situation i'm in... night waking. I just figured my kids would know what to do and when it wasn't working for us I'd figure out what our options were. I didn't know I had to become an expert on parenting before I had kids.

So anyway, back to this book, it brought up everyone's opinons about the topic and really took alot of pressure off of me for having missed what it is I should have been doing. I didn't miss the boat, I was doing what I thought was best and that is what I should have been doing. Whether it works for me or not is up to me to decide and if it doesn't than I need to decide what it is I need to do about it.

I really shy away from reading about "experts" because I end up walking away feeling badly about myself and my approaches and decisions. Somehow I got this idea in my head that just because you have written a book about it you know more than I do about the topic and you are right while I am wrong. Unfortunately for that theory I know Hitler wrote alot of things that were his "theories" that the world refuses to accept now as true and thankfully are disregarded into the "painfully interesting history" pile.

It got me thinking though about why I feel subservient in my opinions. I'm not sure what my parents did or didn't do to undermine my confidence in myself and my decisions. But as I went down this road of thought I read about a book by an expert on breastfeeding and it was written by a man. A doctor nonetheless but a man. "what does a man know about breastfeeding?" I asked myself "and why is he considered an expert on it... has he ever done it?" How would a book written on prostitis, or penile problems be received if written by a woman as an expert in the field? curious thought isn't it?

so most of these sleep theories are written and tested by men. Mostly in a doctor role and not as a father role. And in my experience, no offense to my husband, I happen to be up tending to the night waking alot more than my husband and I wonder whether Ferber was the one to do the night training in his household even. so where does this cultural stereotype come from that seems so 1960's that says" the doctor who wrote the book knows best" when I'm the one who knows that kate is a cuddler and needs more snuggle time than maddie. that crying it out would not and will not work with kate at this stage of the game. and if it could i'm' not sure i want to bring that havoc on our household. If it was just her and us that would be different but we have 2 other sleeping kids to think about that make silence even more necessary for me and having her scream for a few hours every night for the next week just doesn't seem like an option.

i am reminded of how emma potty trained. resistant to my efforts when I started "when the books suggested, the way the books suggested" and when she was ready it took her 2 days. no fighting, no bribing, no setting my timer, just ready and done. I think that's just my parenting approach and it'll be harder to change that considering it's based on my values, beliefs and own understanding.

I just about bought a book for 53$ u.s. that touted itself to be the answer to all my problems. and guaranteed, money back, to have my kids sleeping through the night 12 hours, without needing a pacifier and being able to put themselves to sleep on their own. I think now that i'm going to save my money and spend it on latte's enjoying my time away from my kids writing my own book on parenting... then i'll be considered an expert on the subject.

My monster

2006-09-16T23:16:00.000-05:00

Among other things this last month has been emotionally exhausting. What I've been learning about myself is that when i am "low" I have certain monsters that show themselves. One I've been spending alot of time with lately has been jealousy. A close second to this has been judgment. What yucky yucky things to waste my time on and yet it is so habitual I've been struggling with how to get out of the web i'm stuck in.

What i've also been noticing is how I distance myself and judge those i'm jealous of. curious.

Being the one voted "least likely to survive stay at home mom status" in highschool I have many many friends that i compare myself to and thus get jealous about thus distancing myself from and judging all to appease my pain. I was praying about it the other day and I got this funky little life cycle diagram in my head that i will share with you.

JUDGMENT

JEALOUSY

GUILT AT MY SIN

COMPARISON TO EASE
MY PAIN

Now i'm not sure if you can just jump into it at any place of the cycle or if it can go both forwards and backwards but considering that sin is sly and i get caught up in it before i even realize it I bet it'll do anything to get me sucked in.

What struck me about it was that my judgment of others was so clearly linked with my own insecurities/inadequacies and fears that underly my jealousy. And also how I HATE seeing myself judging others and to ease the pain of my shame and awareness of my own sin I just compare myself to someone else to ensure I'm not as bad as I initially thought. Phew, someone whose worse than me, i'm not as rotten as I thought.

The two verses that came to mind that if I lived out of them would just erradicate this cycle were

"I am the vine and you are the branches, apart from me you can do nothing"

"I only do what it is the father tells me to do"

Now if I believe that I'm living out what the father is asking me to do and it looks different than what you are doing why should I judge you or be jealous of you. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what the father is asking. And it is possible you are exactly where you are in his presence doing excatly what the father is asking you to do even though it looks different. To be anywhere else is meaningless. Unfortunately we always see the disappointing things about our life and compare them to the fabulous things in others. Not fair anyway, but what should it matter if I'm just being faithful to what it is God has called me to do. And if I'm not constantly ensuring that i am in the vine, the things that I am doing are only because I am in him. So seeing someone doing something different than me is o.k. because what's most important is not that we're the same but that we are sure we are living out of his presence and following what he is leading us into. it was very clear in my head and apparently not as easy to explain with my fingers.

So, I hope exposing my own shameful ways will allow God's light to come into dark places and extinguish the darkness. I don't want my jealousy and judgment to be the thing that keeps me from you. Nothing about the kingdom of God is about division, it's about multiplication.

Updates

2006-09-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

Hello friends. Just thinking as I'm up for air that I haven't updated on the kiddies for a while.

This has been a terrible week as all girls have been sick. It doesn't take much extra stress to just push me over the edge. and I have had many parenting hall of shame moments this week. I just keep hoping that Emma at 3 1/2 is still too young to remember any of them. but really i'm running out of time on that one.

So the girls just hit 6 months. when I have some time to figure out how to post a picture I'll do just that... Katie is almost 19 pounds, still really easygoing and smiley, and a big mamas girl. The problem lately is that no one else can put her to sleep so it's made it tough on dad and on mommy's afternoon off. Mad maddy is turning into a really cute little girl when she's not struggling with constipation, gas, bloating, hunger, tiredness or rolling herself into a corner. she's totally got the million dollar smile. How is it possible that when I'm describing each of them I'm tempted to say seperately that they individually are the cutest baby ever. I really think that of both of them and they are different. Maybe this is how you love two wives equally for the bigomists reading my post.

Life around here is almost indescribable. I have never been so busy in my life. I have never tried to maximize my time and thought ahead 3 hours as to what to do to get ready for that time. If I don't wake up at 6 a.m. I may not have a moment to myself until bedtime thus the incentive to do so. I also live for my breaks, like someone coming to help, or daddy getting home, or my wednesday afternoon to be by myself. Maybe this is a stay at home mome thing, but I often look at the clock to see how much longer until this day is over, and then say to myself wow the last 20 minutes went by pretty slowly. But I'm learning to enjoy the reprieves like this one when they do present themselves. They are here and there, but it is impossible for me to say when they would be. It's so weird that the only thing I can control is my attitude, my hygiene, my thoughts, and how others fold my laundry. I never thought I was a control freak but having so many people helping out in my house has made me a little bossy with how others fold my laundry only because I like it a certain way (only towels, tea towels and washcloths really) so I honestly have told people how to do it the way I like. Can you believe that Yvonne? I'm a little horrified myself and yet it speaks volumes as to the control corner I've been pushed into. Of all the things I can't control, these 3 little things I can.

I've hired a friend two afternoons a week to be a consistent 2nd adult in the kids life to allow me to get out to do errands or just breathe. It's been fabulous and it's only been 2 weeks. Also Jon and I have made some major overhauls as to how we do family life and work life and have set ourselves a bit of a schedule and am trialling saying NO to everything extracurricular for the next 2 months. All these areas of discipline that up until now we've been able to ignore... rearing their heads.

And onto the finance department, thank you readers for all the great comments. I'm curious to know who my mystery reader is who thinks I'm sweet. It's like having a secret crush, maybe it's better for it to remain a mystery. So this is what I've decided to attempt to do (thanks to another friends idea) I've gone through how much we have left after all the monthly stuff is paid for and am just putting it into a seperate account and when it's empty it's empty. Feels kinda not like budgeting, but at least it feels realistic to me. And it encourages me to be on top of how we're doing in the account and if we really need it and if i see something that's a good deal I can still find room to say yes once in a while. maybe the only way I see this working at the moment is because the only things we really buy lately are groceries and gas and baby stuff, and so I don't have to decide what categories to divide what into and how much to alot for each. i'll let you know if it sucks. I'll probably be calling to borrow some money!! :)

I really appreciated your comment Nicole about the generosity of others when they know there is a need. Funny how difficult it is to really be honest with others about our needs even though we have so many wonderful people in our lives who would love to meet them.

anyway, i'm off to bed.

Money

2006-08-25T22:55:00.000-05:00

Being poor really sucks. And I'm not even really poor.

I am however a bit of a spoiled kid whose always been able to get what I've wanted and never needed to set boundaries I couldn't step over. If I wanted something I could always find a way to make it happen. No matter the extravagance. Fortunate for me I don't have extravagant tastes (are you laughing at me Yvonne?) so it just came out in clothes and travel. (shoes more specifically) Funny how this principle just won't cut it forever. It feels like God's got me with my arm twisted and I have no option but to LEARN how to live within these boundaries. The problem is I don't really even know how to so I don't know how to even try to get started. I bet God does but we're not on speaking terms at this moment. I'm having a temper tantrum soon to be put on the naughty mat for my time out.

So, I feel foolish even asking my three readers how to do this. Erica, Yvonne, Dee... my friends who I have lived alongside with who have lived with quite tight budgets, who I've heard you say "that's not in the budget" before and I just didn't get it. Do you have any suggestions for me? Any computer programs you would suggest that are EASY for computer no-good people like me? What do you do for groceries-shop bi-monthly? Just needing to learn and you guys all seem to know how to do this without complaining all the time (or maybe you just don't complain to me)

I was filling out this form for child care subsidy for Emma's preschool and I was just getting madder and madder. Mad that I needed to fill out this stupid form, mad that it would really be a help to get the money, mad that we even need the money, mad that having twins pretty much makes it impossible for me to work at present, (and all this is God's fault-whose else could it be), mad that God's inviting us into a new venture that is all about his heart and not about living comfortably secure in this lifetime, mad that I feel like such an idiot with my finances, mad that I care so much about having stuff which doesn't equal happiness anyway. Did I mention I am mad?

So, an honest blog. what else could I write?

Is their something in my teeth?

2006-08-13T07:18:00.000-05:00

Our lives are getting messy as of late. Not because of the twins but because of the poor. We have some friends in our lives you would call "the poor" who I can't get out of my head when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and whose lives keep intersecting with mine so frequently I can no longer avoid them.

It's their fault Jon has closed down his design company in order to start a landscaping one working with the unemployable in our community. It's their fault I am laid low with mourning at seeing the reality of my own sin. It's their fault I don't like what I see in me. So why don't i just avoid them then?

The other day our friends were over using their pool which just happens to be permanently on our deck. It's too messy to explain. Anyway, we invited them in and some terrible things started happening to me. I saw my heart.

I was repulsed at the physical sight of my friend and was questioning her hygiene. I really didn't want her sitting on our good chairs at the table, they are white upholstery after all. She had something stuck in her teeth that was really grossing me out and I was having a hard time looking at her at all, much less enjoying a drink with her and her husband around our table. I really didn't want to hug her or shake her hand which she was offering to me. And the air was just getting really difficult to breathe. The spiritual air.

I have a picture I can't get out of my mind. It is me kissing my friend with the food stuck in her teeth. Full on mouth to mouth contact. I want to throw up and it gives me the willies.

As I was reflecting on this situation after they left and I could breathe again, God told me that I have stuff stuck in my teeth. Pride, judgment, greed, selfishness, stereoptyping, selfrighteousness, haughtiness, snottiness, yuckiness. And he said that he is repulsed by it too. He said that he sees it and he wants to avoid me but then he sees past it to my heart and he is drawn to me like a lover. He puts his mouth to mine to kiss me and love me and mess himself up with me. He kisses me with all the stuff stuck in my teeth and I don't think of it as gross. I love him for it. I am forever indebted to him for it. In fact it is the thing that makes me lay down my life at his feet and say it is yours, I am yours, I have never experienced love like this before.

The journey ahead

2006-07-07T07:43:00.000-05:00

I've been reading a book by Billy Graham called "the journey". It's his culmination of all he knows about living a life of faith written at his age of 86. I didn't know he was so old. I've really been enjoying it. I read a chapter each time I breast feed since they are small chapters I've been whipping through it.

The last chapter I read was about seeing God in all the stages of life. Here he is at 86 and he says he's still learning about the heart of God and who God is. He says since his body is so crippled and he now needs to use a walker, he's been seeing the intricacy of God's creation as he slowly walks with his head down-it's amazing the stuff he's seeing that he never saw before walking head up.

And then it talks about how difficult it is to say goodbye to friends you've had for a lifetime with only the hope of seeing them again in heaven to hold on to.

It got me thinking about being 80 and all the people we will have to say good bye too. We love so many different people, Evan because he makes me laugh, Chris because he's so crazy, Becky because she's so beautiful, Yvonne because she's my best friend ever and is my walking memory, Erica because she's fascinating and I exhale around her, Deanna because she's my parenting guru and is such an amazing godly woman. Trish Guse, Darlene, my brother in law John, Holly and Steve, Wanda, Jen F, so many friends. So many to say goodbye too.

We love lots of people, lots of you add so much to my life. I can't help but think of all the grieving that lies ahead of us on this side of heaven.

How much more amazing then will it be to meet up again in heaven! Just when you thought you'd never see them again...the hope of heaven.

Parenting know-who's

2006-07-07T07:33:00.000-05:00

I'm getting really good at knowing what it is my 3 year old needs. By looking at the clock and comparing her behavior I can tell you if she's hungry, tired or bored. Often the behavior is the same but the cause is different. I can tell by the look on her face if she needs to go potty the second before she tells me. I can tell when she's been naughty by the way she holds her head down. My friend knows when her child needs to go potty by the way she walks.

And I got thinking that I don't even know myself as good as I know my child. When I'm grouchy I don't look at the clock and say "oh it's because I'm hungry or had too busy of a day" I usually don't even have the grace for myself for misbehavior.

I'm beginning to think of my relationship with God more and more as a parent child. And I was blown away at how he truly does know me better than I know myself and knows what I need more than I do.

My challenge is now to trust and obey just like a little child.

Bred in captivity

2006-07-07T07:17:00.000-05:00

Last week we went to the zoo with Emma and another friend. We walked by the lion's cage and saw two furry faces peering out of the basement window that was enclosed by bars. Me and my friend started a short conversation about it saying "I wonder what it's like to live behind bars with people staring at you all day long? How boring, you can't even run free or do anything that came natural to you like hunting. what a weird existence."

Then my friend said "well they were bred in captivity so this is all they know".

This statement just resonated in my head and I said back "wow, I wonder if that's what it's like for us. We're "bred in captivity" and we have no idea of the life that we were created for"

Her response was "wow rhonda, right to the deep stuff" and that was the end of the conversation.

I came home and shared this idea with Jon and we had a fascinating discussion on the parallels between the caged animals and us living in this world. And I couldn't help but think we were made for so much more than this.

And I couldn't help but be sad that as of late the stuff I want to talk about has nothing to do with what so and so said, or the funny things that happened today, but others aren't that interested in engaging those sorts of conversations.

I constantly feel like I'm alive in my mind and when I share a thought with someone, it' s like launching a plane that could have gone somewhere but usually crashes and burns. Their response is something like "oh, hm, interesting, silence, or right to the deep stuff heh?"

It's weird to want to develop relationships but not be able to share all of yourself for realistic probability of weirding out the friendship. I know you need to talk about regular life stuff too and I do, but I constantly feel the internal pressure to talk about what the other person is willing to engage in because I WANT to build relationships. Sometimes it's lonely and that is why I blog.

Up for air

2006-07-07T07:10:00.000-05:00

Hi guys. I'm a posting maniac. I've been chewing on some ideas for the last few weeks but thanks to the pace of my life I haven't been able to get to a computer to post them. In regards to pictures of the girls... the truth is I'm totally computer illiterate and we don't have a digital camera yet. As well as our scanner needs to be hooked up and that's up to my handy dandy husband. Sorry, maybe I'll scan them at someone else's house and figure it out. They are both big. katie's growing out of some 6 month stuff because she's so long and chubby. Madison is having alot more happy times and i can now make her laugh. Emma's unfortunately been watching too much t.v. because it's really hard to play with her when the babies are awake because she's beginning to act out her frustration at always being interrupted. Yesterday she kissed madison so hard she left fingernail marks in her head from leaning on her. sigh. However she's been taking swimming lessons at the local "aquatic centre" and loving it. she talks about her teacher this her teacher that. When I ask her what her teacher's name is she has no idea!! cute and totally ready for preschool. anyway, thanks for still reading and commenting on my site. I haven't gotten back into the swing of checking others blogs. It's kinda like a verbal purge on my part and that's all as of late!! love ya all

Satan the policeman

2006-07-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

A while back I was thinking about how I view Satan in regards to "being under attack" (such a christianese saying isn't it?) Anyway, what I realized is that up till recently my view of him has been as a neutral party in regards to my relationship with God. Theoretically he's supposed to be something more aggressive and scary, but the reality I've been living out of was that he'd stay out of my way if I stayed out of his. Kinda like the police.

I always get nervous when I see a cop car in my rearview mirror and wonder if they will pull me over. I check to see if my seatbelt is done up, I frantically try to remember if my insurance is renewed and I calmly reduce my speed because I'm always on the upper limits of that silly speed limit. Then I keep my eye on them as I try to drive along as if I've done and am doing nothing wrong. They usually drive by talking to one another oblivious that they've set the fear of God in me and then I exhale and go on with my life.

It dawned on me that Satan doesn't act like a policeman and he's not neutral at all. Doesn't it say that he seeks to kill and destroy? If anything he's a corrupt policeman. I wonder where I got this idea from and being raised in the church all my life I'm pretty darn sure I learned it from the institution.

A friend of mine said he sees Satan as a burgular trying to break into your place. He's so intent on getting in he just sits in wait, not sleeping, not turning away just waiting for the perfect moment when I forget to set the alarm, or leave a window open. Regardless if I'm playing by the rules and staying out of his "things" like the occult he's still wanting to rob me blind. It seems so unfair. What'd I ever do to him? Why does he have it out for me? I'm just living my life minding my own business trying to live out the kingdom of God.

It seems so innocent and gentle "the kingdom of God" but apparently the corrupt policeman satan feels otherwise and is out to get me. Out to get all of us actually. So I ask God to help me watch my windows and let me know when I've forgotten to set the alarm. I'm not alone in this and I don't have to be scared thinking I've seen him around every corner. But to ignore or minimize the reality of his existence and his nature just seems foolish now. I can't help but think the church as an institution isn't doing christians any favors either by teaching us to be so fearful we never leave our homes or oblivious that we don't know he's waiting for any opportunity to rob us blind.

The Bike

2006-07-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to buy my dad a decent bike for a few years already. But it always falls into the "we can't really afford it right now" category.

He loves to go camping at Bird's Hill Park which has a pretty neat paved bike trail. He's been using my 40 year old brother's 10 speed (the one he used while in university some 20 years ago) It does the job and my dad gets around and he enjoys his hobby of biking through nature and even off roading with it's skinny tires. My dad has used newer bikes and enjoyed them, but since he has a "perfectly good bike" he's never even thought of buying himself a new one.

I dated a guy in university who was really into biking. Needless to say he helped me buy a "really nice" bike that had more than I was used to having. Before this I didn't know it was possible to change gears without grinding and peddle effortlessly. I loved my bike for all these fabulous new features and wanted to buy my dad a really nice bike so he too could enjoy what he's never really had before.

Now this father's day I decided to buy him our dream bike. However as I went about shopping for it looking for things he needed like a comfy seat, a "seniors" color, Shimano gears, shocks and mountain bike tires a terrible reality began to set in. I coudn't buy him the bike I wanted to because it would be a 600$ bike. Not because I wasn't willing to spend that much on him but because He would refuse to keep it. Knowing my dad and his "I use what I have and I don't complain" attitude, he would make me return the gift I've dreamt of giving him. So I went about shopping for the best bike I could find that he would allow me to give him.

What I couldn't help but wonder was how often we do this to God. Refuse to accept things from him that we don't think we deserve or are too extravagant. Like grace, we all try to earn it. He wants to give us it in abundance and we will only take the crumbs that we feel we deserve because we've apologized or changed our ways. I want to be able to receive whatever it is God has for me and not limit his dreams for me with what "will do"or even meets my expectations. God's dreams for me are probably much bigger than my own. He is God afterall.

Surrender

2006-07-05T22:10:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who keeps telling me in a voice of awe that I am the total picture of surrender to her as I walk through this journey of twins. I don't tell you this to make myself look good but because it makes me laugh that she sees me this way!

The way she says "surrender" is like it's an amazing, beautiful, feminine attribute that makes you sigh as you say it.

As I was reflecting on her comment I thought about how I got to this place of "surrender" (sigh) and couldn't help but laugh at my response. I said "well God put me in a headlock and I had no choice!"

Then I thought about the word surrender and how the little white flag waving out of the castle wall would only come as a sign of surrender when the people had no other choice but to give in or else die.

Why do we see "surrendered" people as something easy and beautiful? It usually always comes after an intense struggle or battle. Easy it is not. Beautiful... I guess it is. Maybe because we more commonly see people stuck in the battle to get their own way, miserable in headlocks but refusing to give in. Stubborn we are at nature aren't we.

My friend is right though. I have surrendered much in this journey and I can only say I wish I had done it much sooner.

Guess who...

2006-06-27T00:44:00.000-05:00

Hello just wanted to do a quickie post as I sneak some time on the computer.

My girls are doing great at nights, almost 1 week of consistency. Katie is sleeping 9 hours straight (best baby ever) and Maddie gets up only once now and settles easily within 20 minutes. Very manageable and so exciting.

June has been an out of the house month for me and the girls. We spent half a week at my mother in laws visiting and then almost a week and a half at my parents just vacationing. I set up a pool on the front lawn and told Emma we were at the lake. Once I figure out how to post pictures I will post little emma in her Dora bathing suit. I came home quite refreshed with lots of thoughts I wanted to write about. However I don't know where the scrap of paper is I scribbled them on is...

Looking terribly forward to summer. Please feel free to come for a visit to Altona. We have a great pool in town for kids and our deck and backyard feel like your at the cottage. Day vacation's in Altona welcome!

Ron and Marsha thanks for the postcard. So good to hear from you guys... still meaning to call and catch up...

That's all for now. I'm looking forward to getting back in the habit of regularly airing my thoughts on my blog....

bye

Freedom

2006-06-02T01:43:00.000-05:00

I heard a fabulous message at church the other week and it was on FREEDOM. It really got me thinking about what freedom truly is. And that maybe the freedom I've been searching for, holding out for isn't the freedom that Christ has for me.

Darlene went through all the ways our world views freedom..."freedom 55, economic freedom, political/social freedom-free to vote, freedom of speech, the sexual revolution to be free, psycological freedom in dealing with our "past", freedom of choice of a spouse/car/career... etc..

We're all about freedom in our society. Didn't you all just dream of what you would do when you moved out from your parents? Freedom is a goal our society values. I'm just not sure this is the freedom that christ died for, that cost him so much.

When I think of what true freedom means to me, it looks alot like perfection. To me to be free would be to have no more "issues" that tangle me up. I'd know how to handle every situation, i'd be free to speak my mind, i'd be free from the lies that keep me living in fear. I'd be able to give money away without it being an issue that our bills may not get paid. I wouldn't be needy any more and be able to do things on my own, figure things out without inconveniencing others with my troubles or messy little life. I want to be free from fear, free from pain, free from others, free from hiccups in the road. Free?

I couldn't help but think about God's funny ways of his upside down kingdom. Where he says to die to yourself is to really live. Where Christ's horrible Death on the cross = Life for us. Where to give is better to receive. Where the first shall be last and the last first. Where blessed are the poor. Where the rich young ruler is asked to give it all away.

And it dawned on me. I never think like God thinks. I much prefer to receive. I much prefer to be rich. I'd think the rich young ruler keeping it all and setting up some nice orphanages and counselling services would be a much better use of the money than just giving it away to people who may not spend it wisely. He's rich, he knows how to spend wisely doesnt' me? poor is bad. Poor means you haven't worked hard enough, your lazy, your unmotivated to make a better life for yourself, your stuck in your addictions. Are these the poor Jesus talks about or is he talking about the minority of poor who are immigrants, who just can't get a leg up, who try all they can and just can't get ahead. Well those poor in my head should be blessed, but ALL the poor? The squeegee guy who should just get a job? And really I think I can sometimes do it myself. That I don't need God's grace and salvation. I can work hard enough to earn it, or even to not need it. I can be kind, I can be generous, I can figure out what's wrong with me and read the right book to know how to fix it, fix me. I can live just fine without "dying to myself" - myself isn't really that bad is it now.

My ways when I get right down to it are not God's. My thoughts are not his. So then why do I think the way I see freedom and what it really could mean for me is what God sees or means? I haven't been right so far.

What if God's freedom looks like DEPENDENCE. What if God's freedom looks like NEEDING, like NOT HAVING IT ALL TOGETHER. Like having problems and road bumps all the time. What if freedom is having BOUNDARIES, having somethings that are NO's to us. Like health, like wealth, like un-handicapped kids, like problem free families. Maybe the things we fight against to be free from are really the things God had in mind to bring us freedom. True freedom. His freedom. Makes me look at my life differently. makes me stop struggling to be FREE from them.

Coming up to 12 weeks

2006-06-02T01:00:00.000-05:00

Hello friends. I sure miss blogging more regularly as an outlet to all my thoughts. But me and the girls have some fascinating discussions that keep me engaged intelectually! Lately it sounds more like this "moi, moi, phft, phft" as I make noises at the girls trying to get them to coo. Kate is really into talking and all she needs is a face to engage her. She's our (dare I say ) easy baby. Unfortunately for her the "easy baby" role has resulted in her starting to get a flat head since she is so content to sit in her swing, on her playmat, in the crib all in the same position. We've now brought out the exersaucer to help with alternate positions but poor thing, doesn't look good for her. Maddie's head is nice and round because she most prefers being held. And since I most prefer her not screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs we indulge.

We are almost at the 12 week mark and doing better than just surviving. We hit a major milestone this past week when both girls slept 7 hours AT THE SAME TIME through the night. This was only shadowed by the fact that Emma was up twice during that time. Seems you just can't win as a parent... when the girls are up, Emma sleeps, when they sleep Emma's up.

Ron I appreciated your comment about the final diaper. I can't even envision that yet for the twins! Emma officially potty trained herself by my lazy-get someone else to do it- parenting style. She basically came home from the babysitters place where her playmate 6 months younger was trained after her mom took a week off work to do so. She gets jelly beans to go on the potty so Emma told me and then asked if she could get jelly beans if she went pee on the potty. I agreed and after about 12 jelly beans she is done. No drama, no setting my timer, no more pet-type accidents on my carpet. However I do carry the shame of me not being one of those mom's to "work" at it and "be consistent" as the books say. The funny thing was I was really beating up on myself for not having tried harder to get her potty trained before the twins came (when I actually had time and energy?) since she was on the verge of turning 3. I felt like a loser mom and then it just tail spins out of control from there to just being a loser in general. But a few days later this jelly bean encounter came up and it happened like I hoped it would, her letting me know when she was really interested, me not pushing it making myself crazy, and it getting done fairly quickly without me needing to get new carpets. In the end it's better than I could have expected, it just took some patience to get here and now I'm glad I didn't try to force it earlier. It's just too bad I thought I was a loser.

So, how are we doing this twins thing? people are often asking us. It's fairly flexible in regards to what I need by the week. We've been receiving meals from our church 3 times a week up till this past week which has been so super helpful. Just taking that stress off of us. Then we are open to receiving any help anyone is willing to give. It's been a beautiful opportunity to build relationships with people we may not have had the chance to get to know otherwise. And everyone is so into holding babies it's been truly awesome to go places because there is always someone who swears they really don't mind. We have our folks out every week or other week for a few days to just help with the housework and then I do my errands or treat myself to some alone time. Emma's into playdates now so she's going various places at least twice a week. I've spent a week at my folks place for a "vacation". And we ask our single friends to hang out with us in the evenings to help settle the girls while we put Emma to bed or if it's been a long day. We've even had a few "sleep overs" where our friends settle the babies while I go to bed to get a bit of an uninterrupted stretch.

What I've been realizing through this experience is to invite someone into my need is to invite them into relationship with me. We have connected with alot of the single folks at church and these have been the majority of friends we have been asking for help in the evenings. Moreso because I know they have the time and I don't feel bad about taking them away from whatever it is they could be doing. It's been awesome for us because we don't feel isolated at all, we are getting help with "the Load", we are deepening our friendships, we are having some fabulous discussions, I get the inside scoop on the life of a twenty something which I LOVE and I feel like I can give back to them by sharing a meal, sharing our family and sharing our life with them. Unfortunately I feel bad that I am not deepening other existing friendships in the same way. But the hardest thing to do is to ask someone to help when you know their plate is already full. It's not about hearing a "NO" but rather about not putting someone in a position that I just don't think is fair. So I don't ask my friends with kids for help because I feel their plates are full enough. And it seems there is never a good time in my head for them to "have spare time" to help. I just wish I could bring the two together... to invite into my need and develop a deeper relationship without feeling like I'm just taking and stressing out someone else. The beauty of community. Not easy to figure out.

So that's how we're doing it. It's working for us and I'm really enjoying this stage of motherhood with little ones. It seemed much more of a struggle with my first child and maybe it was because I tried to do it all alone. Whatever the case may be this isn't what I thought it would look like. I'm laughing more, leaving the house more, actually showering leisurely at times, alive in my mind, and getting spit up on and pooped on in the most memorable places. This is our journey at the moment.

Monthly updates...

2006-05-18T21:59:00.000-05:00

So Ron I appreciate you wanting to hear from me. Maybe you'd like to come take care of the babies so I could steal a minute to get onto the computer!!!

It's a lot "constantly busier" than I had imagined. And it's overwhelming and more than one person can handle. I'm hoping to explore some alternative survival strategies in the next few days as the best one I've come up with is to go and live with my parents. This ironically made me feel the least crazy of all of the things I've tried.

Anyway, don't have time for a long post. So much I wish I could write about since I've been stewing and chewing on a few ideas.

Just an update on our Free 4 All held a few weeks back. (see my hubby's blog for details) Basically we decided to have a free garage sale and the responses were really interesting. It was fun by the way to give away our stuff. It made me feel like Oprah and she gives new EXPENSIVE stuff not just o.k. used stuff.

So the responses fit into a few categories...

1. Unable to accept a free gift and forcing us to take money for the stuff we want to give freely
2. The "can't believe it's not butter" response the "are you sure" looking back as they walk away with their finds wondering if the secret service will jump out of the bushes and catch them in
3.The don't ask any questions, take what you see and run
4. The truly thankful, look you in the eye and receive it
5. The ones more interested in wanting to know why we're doing this rather than receiving the free stuff
6. Not taking anything

The interesting thing about it was it felt like a lesson in how we receive grace. It felt like I had an inside peek at how we respond to God's free gift of mercy, grace and salvation. How many of us struggle to believe it's really free, that god really doesn't want our good works to earn it, that truly we can't earn it. But often, me included, we make ourselves feel better because we've "paid" for it. We've worked for it, and denied ourselves things in order to allow us to feel worthy of receiving it. If it's free, it's free. Paying is just a waste of your time and energy.

What struck me was how only one person of the almost 15 who came engaged me in a conversation about WHY we were doing this. We had initially thought about putting up info on the garage explaining why we were doing it but then it felt a bit like we were prostelytizing, or giving out a tract and then our "free" gift doesn't feel so free anymore because it comes with a price to hear why before you get your stuff. It made me wonder how many people just take God's free gift lightly, just say "well o.k. if you say it's free , thanks and walk away with their "stuff" without understanding why God did it. Or rather walk away looking back saying "are you sure, are you sure" thinking any minute it'll be stolen from them and they were right, it couldn't possibly be free. How can we receive his free gift freely, without needing to pay for it, without fear of it being taken away, or without understanding what it means to really accept it freely if we don't understand WHY he wants to give it to us for free.

Another interesting outcome was that we still have stuff left over. We thought we'd need to limit it so that one person wouldn't come and take everything. Human nature apparently proved us wrong. It seems having it free made people more thoughtful about what they took. We thought we'd see greed, instead we saw respect. I think if we'd labelled everything 25 cents it would have sold out pretty darn quickly. Who doesn't love a deal. But free is better than a deal.

One person's comment really stuck with me. She said "we've never seen such a thing" Why is giving away our overflow, the stuff we don't want so hard to comprehend? It makes me wonder just how much we as humans don't give away freely. Like love or forgiveness or even kindness. It needs to be earned, or we only give it to the people we like, or the people we know. Wouldn't it be cool if it wasn't so odd to receive things you didn't deserve all the time? Makes me want to practice this in so many facets of my life.

However, at the moment I've never seen my kids sleep through the night at the same time. I'm sure when I "see such a thing" it'll change me too !!!

So no promises about the next update. But I sure have missed keeping up to date on your goings ons. The girls are almost 10 weeks and 2 lbs different in weight. Very different kids and we're enjoying them mostly when they are not crying!

Until next time

Good morning

2006-04-07T05:38:00.000-05:00

So, it's 5:30 ish and everyone is sleeping BUT ME!!! Those exclamations aren't excitement, more like exasperation. It's truly ironic that I have to pull myself out of bed to address the crying baby and by the time they are settled, voila I'm wide awake. I have to say that it's been a blessing to have gotten used to this crazy sleep schedule way before the babies had actually arrived because it's not as hard to get used to now.

I have lots of thoughts running around my head. The first is if we as the church are making a grave error by not teaching on hearing the voice of the holy spirit. I have a friend whose a fairly new christian and is stuck in her pain and unsure how to hear God's voice apart from it being spoken by others into her life. It kinda comes into the category of thinking we're helping for the immediate time but really disempowering in the long run.

I first started thinking about it the last few weeks of our pregnancy when our extended families' anxiousness over the unknown was at a head. Alot of these people are believers and in retrospect I found it interesting and frustrating to look back and realize that the only voice repeatedly telling me that God was in control and it would all work out was mine. What others were doing was sharing their concerns and opinions, which were totally valid, like if we should be travelling with a possible storm warning in effect, if I should live with family the last month of our pregnancy in the city near the hospital, whether we should get induced or have a c-section, what we should do after the babies arrive to "survive". But all these concerns were really based in fear of "what if" and where does the sovereignty of God and my life being totally in his hands come into the equation?

That's where I started thinking about the voice of the Holy spirit. Jesus tells his disciples before his crucifixion that he will be going to the father but that the Holy spirit will be sent. It's a direct connection to God. Do we as a church utilize it enough? Do we live our lives actively seeking out his "opinion" on our problems, fears and decisions? I don't know how to mesh the mind's wisdom and the voice of the spirit, because in my experience they are not always saying the same thing. Like take us moving to Altona for a half time worship job. On a purely logical level it doesn't appear to be a smart decision. We're moving away from family to a community we have little connection with, we're leaving my good job for no guaranteed job, it's only half time, the housing market in Altona was NOT cheaper, it's a huge risk and there are no guarantees. Why did we do it? Because the voice of the spirit was inviting us. It seems as I think back on the gospels that the disciples were continuously doing things that seemed "crazy" and "illogical" like leaving their jobs on the spot to follow a man they had just met. Like selling their posesssions and land to share with their fellowship community for nothing in return. Like being killed for refusing to deny Jesus.

So back to opinions. Why are we so eager to share our "wisdom" when we have no idea what the holy spirit is saying? And when we have no idea what God is really up to for this person's life. If we had listened to all the concerned voices that encouraged us NOT to move to Altona we'd be missing out on all the blessings we're currently enjoying. Like our house, having twins in our old house would have been a nightmare. I LOVE the house we are in and am so glad we didn't have to move when we were pregnant. And then take our church community. Rural living is something else. The town is your community and we've been so embraced by everyone I have never felt more cared for and known. It's really cool too that even though we don't have family living in town, we have people dropping by and calling all the time offering to help us out. It's like a large extended family that live within 5 minutes of you. I can't help but think that in God's master plan he knew about the twins and was getting our ducks in order to prepare us for their arrival well before they were even conceived. Now with a God who cares so much about the details of our lives and is so aware of all the intricate connections of the goings on in our present and future what is there really to worry about?

I fear this is way too simplistic, but maybe God doesn't need to be so complicated.

Introducing my hubby

2006-04-07T05:33:00.000-05:00

Hello blogworld. Just wanted to let you know I have finally convinced my husband to start a blog.

He's at http://www.jonloeppky.blogspot.com/

I'm looking forward to expanding our blogging community and adding a few more altonian friends. (fyi... altonian's are like albanians only less eastern european-like)

Opinions

2006-03-26T11:17:00.000-06:00

Yes, like Yvonne (and Paul her brother) says, they are like butts, everybody has one. And I must say this is a bit of a vent blog. I know my situation brings up compassion and concern and even overwhelming support. But I have to say I am surprised at the amount and RANGE of things people (mostly family) feel very free to share with me.

Not that any of them are offensive, just at no other time in my life can I compare getting the amount of opinions about what will improve my life, why the babies are fussy and what I should do about it, what I should or shouldn't do for myself and family. It truly is endless.

Thank you for not having any opinions dear blogger friends. I guess my new approach to wanting opinions is "If I want your opinon I'll ask for it". Sound fair?

So these are some of my favorites...

1. How to bathe the babies (my mom in law and mom are in opposition over this one)
2. What color's I should color code my babies (apparently one doesn't have the skin coloring to pull off yellow)
3. How an erasable white board could improve my life (and help me keep track of details I'm not interested in)
4. How a fussy baby MUST be my fault "IT's obviously something you ate"
5. When I should start getting out of the house (still not interested)
6. If children with a runny nose should be allowed to visit my house and touch Emma's toys
7. If my screaming, rooting baby is indeed hungry
8. How many sleepers a kid really needs (now this one I am somewhat undecided on? opinions welcomed!!)

I guess that is all for the moment. I just find it amazing that the past week, my stress has come more from deflecting opinons and trying to find my own mothering instinct voice within than from screaming babies keeping me up.

However, I must add I have on more than one occasion decided to return them both in the morning because I no longer found this fun. Thankfully for them, mornings are our best time of day!!

I don't know how to respond to all the comments I've received (etiquette wise) so I'll just say here it's been so great to share this with so many friends, many of whom I'm not in regular contact with. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement.

Now a question for a fellow twin..Colleen did you and your twin always share a room growing up or would you have rather had seperate ones? You know me, just planning ahead!

Alright, keep those opinons coming...

Katelyn and Madison

2006-03-18T17:28:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to share with you a few images of our girls the day we came home from the hospital.

Kate (Top)
Madison (Middle)
Me and the Girls

The short story

2006-03-18T09:10:00.000-06:00

Just to say I think I have a problem. I am choosing blogging over a shower. It's been tough to stay away from the computer since home to opt for sleep or eating. Is this addiction?

Anyway, besides a crappy night thanks to my little one who eats like a bird, all is well. Kate eats great and has become "my favorite" in the moment at 4 a.m. when she is sleeping soundly and Madison is squawing AGAIN. But then I hold my squawker and fall in love all over and how can you have favorites? I just have two to love.

After much emotional angst last week I decided to agree to induction as NOTHING else worked to set my body into motion. I started out at 4 cm 50% effaced Wednesday and by Saturday no change. So we went on the waiting list Thursday and received "the call" Saturday at 5:15 p.m. It's what it must be like being on the organ reception list, every time our cell phone went off my heart just started racing.... Is this the call?

Anyway, we got to the hospital room by 6:30 and waited till 9:15 to get assessed by the resident. I wanted to know where we were starting at so I'd have an idea if I'd made any progress since Thursday's check. I was really hoping to have made it to 7cm and to have the kids by midnight. So they started all their stuff which really bugged me, the fetal monitors, the IV, hospital gown and no bra (that bugged me the most) and a nurse who should have retired a long time ago. After much drama with my crabby nurse, my favorite part being where she answered one of my questions by telling me that if I didn't do blah blah blah my uterus could rupture or I could hemmorage to death, her shift ended. Thank goodness Deanna was there. It was just wonderful to have someone I trusted who had perspective and heard my voice and my fears. I know she's disappointed to have missed the birth but I don't think Jon or I could have held it together without her watching over us.

So by 12:15 a.m my Doctor came to see if we'd made any progress. Apparently the twins heartbeats were all over the place and they were'nt sure if this was an accurate assessment of the syntocinon's effect on them. He broke Kate's water to put a scalp clip in to keep better track of her and I started to cry because it was just another thing I didn't want for my labor. I thought for sure the more interventions I have the more to come down the line. But as soon as my water broke, whammo contractions started about 5 minutes apart and quickly progressed to 1-2 minutes apart. We called the midwife at 1 a.m. because things were well on the way and I was putting off having the "non-negotiable" epidural until she got there to be my voice for a epi-block rather than a full going epidural. She took longer than I was expecting so by 2 a.m. my breathing was changing and even though I was only 5 cm I agreed to the epidural. And I must add was quite looking forward to relief being on it's way. My midwife got there shortly after and fed me ice chips between contractions while Jon held his post rubbing my lower back where the most intensity was. I labored the whole time just sitting on the side of the bed. I don't know if any of you can relate but getting a laboring woman to switch positions is next to impossible.

Well I think she measured me again at 2:15 and I was 7 cm and by the time the anesthesiologist got there at 2:25 I was already 9 c.m. and the nurse was able to feel the head. As soon as he heard about my progress more drama started as I had to be whisked to the OR room to deliver (that was the plan all along, in case an emergency c-section was required). So they had to get this uncooperative laboring woman to LIE DOWN on the bed to be whisked down the hall. No sooner had my last check been done than I started feeling the "pressure" and on the way to the OR room I screamed "I'm pushing I can't stop it" and with one push out came the head and the next push out came her shoulders. I remember hearing "THE HEAD'S CROWING WE NEED A DOCTOR IN HERE... OH THE BABY'S BORN" Jon was in the change room getting his scrubs on, so by the time he got into the room he heard Kate crying and they were cleaning her up.

The doctor got there fairly quickly and when he checked out the next twin, her head was already down and in position for another head first labor. The whole reason they wanted me to get the epidural was for the sake of the second twin in case it presented elbow first or something, so quite coooperative children I must say. So the resident tried to break my water with the second one and fiddled around for a while before my doc finally did at 3:04. Madison was born at 3:07 after the longest push of my life. Her head was smaller but she came out face up which makes for a bigger head diameter. I still feel this one, but thank goodness no stitches were needed. And no epidural which is what I was most afraid of. Not that I'm a sucker for pain but with Emma's labor being so quick I just wanted to let my body do what I knew it could and I figured I would go pretty fast. And I'm really really really afraid of needles. Especially ones insterted into my spine. An IV was bad enough. What a suck.

My favorite part of the story is that after I finally opened my eyes to look around the OR room I realized a doctor was holding my hand. There were blue clad, masked people rushing everywhere and one of them who was waiting for the next twin had decided to hold my hand. I said to him, "Thank you so much, I didn't know I needed someone to hold my hand and it's just what I needed at this moment". The next day I was recounting the story to Jon and calling this terribly sensitive, thoughtful, caring doctor "THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER". At which point Jon said with a weird look on his face "that was me" he even went on to tell me he responded to my comment about it being what I needed, but apparently lala land has only one way communication!!! And then I looked back on that moment saying, "well he was tall like you, and thin like you, and he WAS wearing glasses like you..." but throw on blue scrubs, a face mask and an OR hat and all you have are eyes. Jon even asked if the big honking camera hanging around his neck didn't give his identity away, but I really didn't notice it at the moment, or didn't think it was weird for this sensitive doctor to pick up our camera so we wouldn't miss out on any pictures. I can't help laughing at this!!!

So there you have it, the short story. In the end it was just the way I would have wished it to go, quickly. But going into it with so much unknown was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. God has been so good to me. What else can I say?

The girls are totally different temperments and definately are not identical looking. I really love that they are unique individuals right off the bat. I don't feel like they are twins, just two babies who happen to be the same age. It's been kinda like having a science experiment before my eyes with the absolute differences between them. anyway, sneaking off to have a shower. More to say but no more time... Thanks again for all the prayers and support. We have felt SOOO loved during this time. MOI.(that was a big kiss to you all)

BABIES!!!

2006-03-12T08:49:00.000-06:00

*Yvonne peers into the room*

Rhonda asked me to happily announce the following!!

This morning at 2:45, and 3:07am ,

Jon and Rhonda welcomed 2 more little girls into their family!!

Caitlyn Parker

and

Madison Jones

Their weights were 6 lb 2 oz, and 5 lb 12 oz

The birth went just great, and Rhonda is a very happy, yet tired Mommy. I'm sure she'll update here soon on the details!!! (Not sure about the spelling of the names, so don't monogram any towels for them yet!!!)

*Yvonne exits the room*

still waiting

2006-03-11T16:46:00.000-06:00

Hello all. Thanks so much for all the encouraging comments. I really feel the prayers because my spirits are lifted and it has NOTHING to do with anything I'm doing. We are currently waiting to be induced. This morning I was first on the list and it's apparently been a busy day on the ward so I'm probably not getting in till tomorrow. I'm not sure what to wish for anymore. But that is o.k. This really is out of my hands.

The good news is my body is prepared and I totally feel like all it needs is a little jumpstart and whammo we'll be on the way. So we are bumming around Winnipeg, sleeping in anyone's bed, homeless and childless for this week. We also celebrated our 5 th wedding anniversary yesterday. I watched the video at 5 a.m. and really enjoyed seeing us so in love and really unchanged in how much we laugh together. Please pray for Jon. It feels like he is carrying the burden of this waiting stress in his body and that's never been good for his Chron's. Yet we totally feel God is in control and his timing will be perfect even though it's NOT AT ALL what we thought would be best for us and our family.

I was lying in bed thinking about poor Mary, Jesus' mother. How is it she spent the last few days of her pregnancy on a horse travelling away from home. And then how disappointing to find out you couldn't even get a hotel room to have a decent sleep. I can only imagine she wondered where God was in all of this. And she didn't have a midwife with her, nor her mother AND she gave birth to her first baby in a barn. If I didn't know better I'd think God doesn't value Women much and has no compassion. This scenario for her is not what I would have thought God would have chosen for her to walk through. It's just all wrong from my perspective. She was all alone, away from home and family, not getting any breaks along the way. I mean this would have seemed much more redeemable in my eyes had they gone to the super 8 for a room and got upgraded to the presidential suite at the Hilton for the same price and birthed AT LEAST in a bit of comfort.

Not that I'm comparing myself to Mary, I was just so aware that she was carrying the Messiah and was "blessed" among women and chosen by God and her journey was so much more difficult than mine. I would have bitched and complained the whole way, while crying hysterically.

I sure have alot to learn about God's ways and fully yielding myself to his plans.

Babies on the horizon. I'll keep you posted. Love you all and thanks so much for all the support and love I feel.

The landscape of this place

2006-03-09T06:40:00.000-06:00

I am over 38 weeks, longer than I could have imagined to go. The Dr. yesterday gave me some perspective and said 38 weeks with twins is like 42 with one. And this is how I feel. As of monday I just cracked and started crying. I've been doing really great up till now but what does that matter now? I guess besides healthy babies which I am thankful for. Nothing seems to be "taking" and my body is totally not responding to trying to jumpstart labor. I feel terribly defeated and exhausted and spent. I just want it over with. I want my body back and my life back. But there seems to be no end to this life I wander through. I feel like a caged tiger just pacing in a tiny space.

I awoke an hour ago like usual and couldn't go back to sleep so I just started writing. I don't know if this is too much information to share on a blog but I can always erase it if I feel exposed after the fact.

The cruel irony of this place makes me want to cry. I have nothing left. No more hope, no more joy, no more voice. Everything has been taken. I am but a shell. Death surrounds me ironically on the brink of life. Confusion is a companion. Insanity feels so close. I want death to end it all and put me out of my suffering. My vision of the life, LIFE ABUNDANT is gone. I can not see past the next outbreak of tears. I feel like I"m living the same emotional landscape of the disciples after Christ was crucified. An ending that wasn't on any ones horizons. No one could have imagined this terrible outcome, it was supposed to be different-no indication was given that it wouldn't be as hoped. But the unthinkable.

It feels like I'm stuck in some sort of pergatory half-way place. I'm not living death surrounds me, hopelessness is the air I breathe and yet I'm not dead. I see others living all around me.

There is the life we see on earth through our eyes and the life God sees from his vantage point. It's an upside kingdom DEFEAT=VICTORY DEATH =LIFE Nothing makes sense

How is it the enemy knows God's currency and yet torments us with the lies that it is not as it is. God give me strength to see what can not be seen with my earthly eyes.

I was just listening to this verse and it really spoke to me- it's a song by Dave Ruis

When the sunlight has faded and the darkness my friend
And the sorrows are rolling and the suffering just won't end
I will lift up my eyes and give glory to your name
And I'll rest in your promise over me

This is terribly dramatic, I am well aware. However it is my reality at this moment. Pray for me that I will survive labor with nothing of my own to offer.

Still cooking...

2006-03-05T07:18:00.000-06:00

Hello, just got back from the city yesterday still pregnant. And made it through the night, still pregnant. I'm not getting anxious yet, or frustrated about feeling "done" but I'm sure that is in the near future. Thankfully I have a few diversions this week to keep me going day to day.

There's a worship evening at our church tonight that I'm really looking forward to going to so tonight would be the only time I WOULDN'T want them to come. And then we're back in Winnipeg wednesday for another assessment.

They said the babies were about 5 1/2 lbs which is great for 37 weeks. But now I need to change my focus from taking it easy and avoiding anything that will induce labor to doing EVERYTHING to induce labor.

Loved your comment Marsha. It's amazing how all 5 could be so different and yet beautiful. I need to remember that because my first was so great I feel I can only be disappointed by this one.

Anyway keep checking i'll let you know!

Uterine update

2006-02-27T23:27:00.000-06:00

Hello blog friends. Not too talkative lately but wanted to let you know there is nothing to know.

We are off to Winnipeg tomorrow for another assessment and doctor appointment and then Emma and I will stay for a few days with my folks for a change of scenery. We are "term" and ready to meet these babies with the chubby cheeks.

I must say, I'm not looking forward to the labor part, even though I know what to expect. What I want to know Marsha is did it get easier to face with each subsequent pregnancy or is it always something you wish you didn't have to go through? (Marsha's had 5 kids, I see her as pretty much an expert on the subject!)

Anyway, I'll probably ask Yvonne to post if anything happens as it wont' be on my survival list. I feel like this is goodbye, ? until we meet again on the other side!! Why does it sound this corny?

Pray for strength and courage for me. I am in desperate need of these things.

Anyone else love 'LOST'

2006-02-19T23:30:00.000-06:00

Hello friends. Not sure what the date is today, BUT it is the 9th day of the olympics (says my t.v.) what a trusty companion that has become in my evenings.

I really dont' watch t.v. during the day besides a video with Emma but come 7 p.m. I'm a bit of a channel flipper.

Today I had a weird experience. I went to church after I had taken a shower (not the weird part yet) and after about an hour into my being there I was done. It's so wild to just want to lie down all the time. I actually felt my feet burning from not being elevated so I left the service to go lie down. I hate to say it but apparently getting out of the house is becoming too much of an ordeal. Thankfully I'm so close to the end. It's not like I'm only 6 months along-so I really can't complain.

I was asked today if I was going to get induced on Tuesday, next time I see my doctor and the wee babes. I was surprised by that because at this moment I really feel like I'm waiting for them to decide when to come. That it's not really up to me. But if I were to look back at how I handle life I'd say I'm definately more of a "I'll take what life gives me" kinda girl than a "I know what I want and I'm fighting to make it happen" even with my control freaky tendencies. Strange but true.

So we wait. At this point, every ache makes me wonder "is this it?" and today in church I didn't tell anyone where I was going and I was surprised to learn Jon was on a mad hunt for me because he hadn't seen me for 15 minutes. Sweet heh? But I guess I am a ticking time bomb.

So any bets? I'm hoping to be done in the next 2 weeks. At the latest. I can't fathom going any longer. Sorry Dee.

Onto my original thought, we've been watching season one of Lost to fill us in as we are presently hooked this season. It's great watching t.v. without commercials!! And I'm really enjoying watching an episode or two a night. What a great show. I really thought it was a stupid concept for a show when it first came out and now I love it. I'm looking forward to seeing the episode about Claire and her having her baby.

Anyway, all is well here.

And a big congratulations to my sister in law who had her baby on Friday. A big boy of 8 lbs 1 oz named Ryder Ty. After she had him she just said to me "All I kept thinking is that you're going to have to do this twice" and today she said "You really should concentrate on getting all the rest you can!" too cute. My in-laws are going from 4 grandkids to 7 within a matter of a few weeks. Isn't that fun?

Well until I post again...

Interesting night

2006-02-14T23:45:00.000-06:00

So Jon took Emma to his mom's for the night because he has a meeting in Steinbach tomorrow and he's the best husband ever. Um, well tonight he is. A night off for a pregnant mom. Heavenly.

However, I just finished watching 2 hours of t.v. and they were seriously the longest 2 hours of my last month. It was weird to be watching t.v. by myself with no one to talk to during commercials, and it was kinda slow paced with only the t.v. to focus on and not putting a 2 year old back to bed a million times during the commercial breaks.

Not that i'm complaining, it was just really interesting how SLOWLY time went by when I just focused on me and the t.v. I EVEN had to get my own snacks and still made it back before the commercial was over.

Now onto other things, i've been watching the American Idol stuff because the beginning part is the absolute best. (I stop watching after it gets down to the final 10) And I laughed soooo hard over these 2 black twins who were such drama queens. They are 28 year old guys who can sing but man i would have kicked them off along time ago. Tonight, one of them refused to accept his moving on in the competition because he thought his twin had got cut and then after making an ass of himself in front of the judges realized his brother had NOT gotten cut and instead had to go and apologize. some people, I just don't get why they can't keep their mouths shut. Especially when you're on national t.v. and NO ONE is talking as much as you are. And you have THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME??? It was however good for a laugh.

nothing to say

2006-02-13T20:19:00.000-06:00

I actually truly have nothing to say. I'm just afraid YOU think if I don't post than i'm in labor... so this senseless entry is all for you.

I haven't been thinking any deep thoughts recently. However hard I've tried.

I've truly just been focused on the whole labor aspect and psyching myself up for it and taking care of my body to get the rest and food I need. It's a pretty simple existence.

But it requires me to delegate lots of things like errands and groceries and ask for help to get stuff done kinda the way I would do it myself. It made me think that this is what it must be like to be royalty or someone used to having servants. (I need to think of it more positively don't I) Because I truly sit around and ask people to do things like walk 5 feet to pick something off the floor, or run upstairs to get me a drink, or even carry my most comfortable chair and ottoman from floor to floor based on where I am. I'm just not used to asking people to do such basic things. And I don't think this fits into the "hard to ask for" category, it's the more "I feel like I'm bossing you around" category.

It actually reminds me of a situation I was in when i was doing homecare in the city. One of the worst patients I've ever encountered was this certain lady who was a quadrapalegic. She was extremely demanding, gave orders about HOW to shut the door on her dresser, exactly what order to do things in, all the while treating you like you were an idiot for not knowing. Did I mention she was terribly unhappy and her misery was like a poison in the air? Anyway, when I think of asking people to do things for me, especially when i want them done a certain way, I am reminded of her and how she made me feel. I don't like bossy people, or mean people, or people who think their way is the only way.

So i will remember to say please and thank you and appreciate every act done on my behalf, hopefully while being fun.

So that's a lot of nothing heh?

I hate waiting

2006-02-10T01:37:00.000-06:00

Don't you? Is there any one good at waiting? Even though I've said I could look at my christmas present everyday on the kitchen table for a year and not be tempted to open it (because I Soooo love surprises) that isn't patience. That's anticipation?

And the reality is in my situation I can not do much physically else at the moment besides stare at the present waiting till the time is right for it to open up itself. In my other scenario, I envision looking at the present fondly as I'm running out the door late for work, or meeting someone for lunch or whatever. I'm not just staring at it waiting.

I think the part that makes me the crankiest is that everyday there are more things added to my list that I physically can no longer do. I've long ago added bending to pick up anything off the floor (thus the constant chaos), stairs (which is why my kid watches more t.v. than I like), sitting in most chairs in the house, most recently driving, getting out to buy milk (just takes way more energy than it's worth).

I guess I'm complaining. I'm just kinda ready and then not really ready all at the same time. I miss having a lap and wearing jeans and my belly not resting on my legs when I sit. However in just a few weeks I"m sure i'll miss having a belly and feeling all the crazy karate kicks from my little babies.

It's a weird place wanting two totally opposite things at the same time.

I've also wondered if this is what it must be like to get old. When you look back at the things you used to do with ease, like an errand or the stairs, and wonder when did it cross from being a part of life to something you schedule way in advance. I'm afraid I won't age too gracefully because I'll be complaining the whole way!

So my countdown is on to about 2 1/2 weeks (or so) and I have to say it's a little freaky to try to anticipate how this is all going to play out. I really wouldn't mind skipping through to the part where I'm looking face to face with the babies and everything is beginning to feel like a distant memory. I guess if Erica is tempted to use her delete button, I'd definately be tempted to use my fast forward one.

In the meantime I'll try to think of some deep philisophical things to say while I still have time to ponder such things.

Is this a warning sign?

2006-02-03T17:51:00.001-06:00

So my little Emma has been exhibiting some disturbing behavior. And i wonder at what point as a parent looking back at "the signs" did you know you should have seen it coming.

She is not quite 3. I must start with this.

The other day we were visiting her little friend "IRA" aka Aria, for a playdate and had a wonderful time. After emma's nap time I noticed her fly was undone and as I asked her about it she immediately stuck her hand down her pants and pulled out a little viewmaster slide from one of Aria's toys she evidently had stolen from her friend's home earlier that day.

Is this the kind of thing that you look back on and think this was a warning sign that my daughter would be a kleptomaniac?

I thought I would try to not over react until yesterday. When Emma was playing with money she'd found on Jon's bedside table and told me she couldn't find it. I told her to look in her play wallet (the logical place) and instead, again she shoved her hand down the front of her pants and voila a fiver and then a tenner. I couldn't help but think I could envision my future appearance on Jerry Springer with the show titled "I knew my child was destined to be a stripper when..."

But seriously, I laughed the hardest when as she walked away a folded 10 dollar bill slid out of the bottom of her pant leg, apparently she missed it and didn't notice!!

what a kid. if you ever need a laugh my kid is full of them.

Good Morning!!

2006-01-28T07:57:00.000-06:00

wow, i've been awake since 4:30 you'd think I should be grouchier.

Not sure if this is the last stretch for me but I feel GREAT! (say it just like Tony the Tiger does)
Kinda weird but I've just got a lot of energy and feel like going out and chatting and journalling. I haven't felt this good since before I got pregnant. Isn't that weird? Just after you assume it goes from bad to worse it gets great? Maybe babies are on their way.

anyway, not that I'm complaining. Just quite intriguing.

I'm getting geared up to tell "my story" at our "cell" group this week. (note: the people in Altona find it offensive if I call "cell"- "housegroup" thus the quotations :) tee hee

All my middle of the night awakenings these past few weeks have given me lots of time to reflect on my life and contemplate the journey that has brought me to this place I am now living. I am actually quite excited to share about myself and feel like I'm giving an oral presentation for a class by the way I've organized when I'm going to say what and what props I will use etc.

It's kinda nice moving someplace new where no one knows you as "so and so's little sister" or "the brat that used to steal stuff from the 7-eleven" or "the girl who ACTUALLY went out with HIM? gross" I like the idea of telling my own history based on my reality not on anyone else's interpretation of it. However in thinking of "my story" it's kinda weird how the story changes based on where you are along the journey. I would have said very different things 5 years ago as certain experiences seemed to be more significant then. And in 5 years my story may have similar threads woven through it but would be told entirely differently I assume. Isn't that interesting how unstatic even our stories are? I guess maybe until our story ends. Then you just tell it the same way everytime.

What I found interesting is thinking about where my brokeness comes from and the things I've struggled with over the years (and still do) in the context of having a relatively boring, normal, priveliged life. I can't help but think "man how many MORE issues would I have if I had been raped or abused or had divorced parents or lived in poverty or struggled with alcohol" etc.

p.s. I think this is turning into a LONG post, be warned...

I had been thinking about "shame" a few weeks ago and this reality came to me that our pain and brokeness is more common than we think. We are so ashamed of the "act" we use to express this pain and feel so "different" from you because you haven't done the same thing as we have. When if you were to look at our hearts and identify the pain among humanity there really aren't that many to seperate us. Loneliness, Rejection, Fear, Longing for Love, Worthlessness (can't think of more, but i'm sure there are). So our pain may both stem from loneliness but you act it out with drinking and drugs, I act it out with promiscuity, and the guy over there acts it out by amassing as much worth as he can. All embarrassing and "sinful" but not as different as we think.

So I will get off my soap box now...

When I was thinking about summing up "my story" I think it's really the same as your story (if I may be so bold) and the story of all humanity. The bottom line of my story is that there is someone or something that is out to steal kill and destroy me at all costs. It does not give up easily, it's super tricky, it uses ANYTHING in my life to it's advantage and it's impossible to fly under it's radar, not to mention it totally LIES and plays mind games with you. Like a really complicated girlfriend! The rest of my story goes to say that there is also someone who is for me at all costs, that will give up anything for my freedom and longs to bring truth to set me free from it all. This is the coles notes version !

Would you add anything else?

I love my kid

2006-01-25T08:32:00.000-06:00

I'm just emailing and surfing while emma is on the couch behind me talking away to the t.v. or singing along whatever comes to mind. and I smile and think "what a great kid." I really enjoy her as a little person and I'm not sure if it's because she is MY KID or because she JUST IS a great kid or because I just happen to know her more than any other kid and all this fascinating behavior just makes her great. Not sure.

But it got me thinking that I don't like everybody. funny enough, just a few people have I come across in my life that it's been hard to like or tolerate or even empathize with. At the moment Jon has a friend who is this person to me. And it really bugs me that I have such a hard time tolerating him or even enjoying his company. I'm not sure if it's a personality thing and we're just different or if it's that I can't connect with him like I usually can with others and it frustrates me that he won't let me into his life, or that he possibly isn't self aware enough to know the answers to the questions i ask. whatever it is, I feel bad that it is this way.

And this thought got me thinking (not worrying) about having a child who was potentially more difficult for me to enjoy than the others. I'm sure over the span of their teenage and young adult years each of my kids will fall into this category, the "GRIT AND BEAR IT LOVE" . is that really a kind of love though? Every possible answer I have is just followed by another question.

But my challenge with this guy is I've been thinking of talking to him about it. I'm sure he picks up on it when i'm around, and it's not like he's ever done anything specific that i'm holding against him. I don't know how else to let him know I'd like to like him and there's something that makes it quite difficult for me. Interestingly enough I think this guy maybe gets this alot. He's a little socially awkward, and I don't know if he's ever found his niche.

But do I really have the guts to be honest with him? I totally risk hurting his feelings (which I value way too much) but there is no relationship really to be damaged so I guess I don't have alot to lose. So now I wait for the guts and the opportunity.

It is finished

2006-01-25T08:28:00.000-06:00

The chicken pox that is. Last night, first in a week, emma actually slept thru almost 10 hours. I was reading Erica's blog as her oldest has them as well. They've counted 183 pox, emma barely has 30 alone on her back and maybe another 30 over the rest of her body.

I feel like we got off fairly easy. I'm sure it's "bad" enough though to have given her immunity because she looks like she's caught some sort of skin cancer. Poor thing. Thank goodness for "finding nemo" he saved my bacon this weekend as she watched all 1 hour 15 minutes of it at least 6 times!!!

What did sick kids do before t.v.? have their grandparents read them a story I guess like in Princess Bride!!

Chickenpox

2006-01-23T07:04:00.000-06:00

No not me, little Emma. Day 3 has come and gone and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. She has been really good considering but now she's getting itchier. Hopefully only 2 more days to go!! And thankfully my in-laws are here tomorrow and we're in the city Tuesday for our fetal assessment so my mom will be helping out. All in all not bad timing.

What's been funny is that she's now on the same sleep schedule as me. I'll be wide awake in bed after my 3 hours and voila who appears at my bedside but my little peanut asking me to put some cream on her back. She woke up at midnight and stayed up till 4 a.m. today just playing with me and "watching videos".

I don't know what it is about this little girl but I just love her to pieces. Again, good space to be in to head into more kids. She now starts most every sentence with "EE-cause" or "WELLLL" which I find so endearing. And yesterday when I was on the "potty" and had finished peeing she looked at me and said enthusiastically "GOOD JOB"!! Guess she must hear that somewhere? I love that you don't realize what you are saying repeatedly until they start repeating it to you.

And it makes me thankful that she's not telling me to have a time out or to leave her alone or even to shut up. Makes me think of the toddlers I've run into in the past who swear a blue streak. Tough environment to grow up in I guess.

Well I'm hopefully off to bed now. Wish I had more "exciting" things to tell you.

Updates

2006-01-19T13:03:00.000-06:00

Thanks for your ever so sensitive comments. I really appreciated the encouragement and permission they gave me.

Feeling still out of sorts but I'm thinking that's probably my body's way of preparing for what's ahead. I do this sort of turtle thing where I'm either enjoying being around people or I'm not. My head is either out of my shell or in it. No in between. I really admire people who seem more even keeled in this arena because it seems to me it would be the "healthier" option.

Sigh. Well I've got lots of years to work on that i guess. So, just to let you know if my "aloofness" or not returning calls or pushing you away is obvious, it's just me turtling. Needing my space. Filling up with silence and introverted activities. Any of you relate to this at all?

On to updates...

Jon has found the missing library book. In a very obvious place of course. Emma's bookshelf in her room. The only thing is the spine was in so when you did a quick glance for a fluorescent green book your eye didn't catch the pages. Anyway, thank the lord it's found. And I must say I'm proud of her for putting it in such a logical place. Now if she only hadn't inherited my 2 second memory we may have found it alot earlier!

I have been feeling much more comfortable this past week than when I had been complaining to Deanna last week. I went for a massage and a chiropractor adjustment and just sat on a heating pad for a whole evening, along with like 6 baths in 2 days. All seemed to help the old lady achy body feeling. I'm noticing though it seems to be related to how much time I spend sitting, because I guess with the pressure of 50 extra pounds on my pelvis and hips, not so easy for the body to get used to. Isn't that amazing? That like I put the majority of that on in like 4 1/2 months! Maybe weight watchers should have a points system for pregnant people heh Yvonne!

Also my sleep has been a bit more consistent in that i'm actually sleeping at night time as opposed to being wide awake for 3 hours.

So I'm feeling more optimisitc about this final stretch.

I've washed a bunch of baby clothes and flannel blankets and the smallest socks you've ever seen. It's too wild to imagine we'll have babies soon. The good news is I am actually smiling whenI see little ones and that makes me excited to see my own.

What a wild stage we are about to encounter. I honestly just can't comprehend what lies ahead.

Untitled

2006-01-16T13:06:00.000-06:00

That is because i don't know what to call this blog entry. Today I had a few things that just put me over the edge. One was a phone call from a well meaning friend who through asking all her "helpful" questions on how I was preparing for the babies left me feeling quite anxious, defeated and unprepared. I actually hung up the phone and started crying. I guess just deep set emotions that haven't found a voice as of yet.

And what I realized is that I feel quite alone on this journey. I feel like I'm the only one who believes I can do this. That I think we'll survive this but everyone is pretty skeptical. So if you're interested in what I need to hear, at the moment it's not what other people in my situation did, it's in fact just a voice to say "you totally can do this" and "god will not abandon you" and even a "I believe in you".

Pregnant people are fragile beings. I forget this myself having been on both sides of things.

So if any are interested just exactly what my plan is to get through the next ___ however long it takes until we're through, this is all I have for a plan...

1. Believe God has got my back
2. Take it one day at a time
3. Ask for help when I feel I need it
4. Enjoy every moment I possibly can
5. Take care of myself by not talking on the phone to people who stress me out.
6. Stay close to home unless I feel otherwise
7. Roll with the punches and allow myself to change ANYTHING I WANT OR SAID I"D DO
8. Eat fast food as required
9. Watch lots of t.v while breastfeeding
10. Wear my pajamas for days on end :)

The other stuff is just truly out of my control.

However I don't know how to talk to my friend about the "thing" she set off in me. My nature is to just avoid talking to her about this stuff and probably avoid questions about this matter in the future. Please post comment about how to handle this (if any insight strikes you)

Hide and Seek

2006-01-14T02:09:00.000-06:00

So just a quick question, if you were a 2 year old where would you hide a 300 page book?

Emma was playing with it the other day in the kitchen and I thought "what harm can she do with a book". Until now, it's from the library and due at the end of the week and we've absolutely searched everywhere waist down to see where she stashed it. It really is funny but I have no clue. Every morning I ask her where she put it and she has no idea.

Any great hiding places your kids have used?

I'm up still having just played 3 games of Settlers of Catan. That game rocks. Anyway, goodnight.

Triggers

2006-01-10T23:42:00.000-06:00

God has been talking to me lately about triggers. Specifically why I react in certain ways towards some people that I wish I could control better.

This analogy came to me today which really helped me understand my reactions. The picture was a poisonous arrow that was lodged in my foot. It healed over so that I wasn't as aware of it and went on with my life limping and in pain. I just got used to it so much so that I wasn't even aware of it anymore. Then someone came along and ripped off the scab bringing back all that pain and I blame them thinking it's their fault that my foot hurts, forgetting that the poisonous arrow has been there for years and has been hurting me for just as long. Just not in the acute stage (get the nurse lingo) My reaction to the current event is totally linked to the poisonous arrow that is still lodged in my foot, conveniently forgotten about.

So this is the picture of how my triggers are "triggered" (for lack of a better word)

It's funny because I've been asking God to help me understand why I've reacted certain ways so automatically to situations that logically can be understood but still seem to hurt my heart. I'm amazed at what he's showing me. The light that he is shining on the dark forgotten areas.

I'm coming to really believe that forgetting is not the cure. Confronting is not even the cure. Neither is ignoring, rationalizing or logically understanding the meaning of the initial wound. The cure is removing the arrow that was lodged initially so it can no longer initiate those automatic responses when triggered. Kinda like being a slave to the cycle. Without addressing the wound I am somewhat powerless to act differently and react from my pain.

Someone this week told me that the intensity of a person's reaction to a "situation" has more to do with this person's issues and triggers than it does to the rightness or wrongness of the situation.

Have you ever snapped at someone and didn't get why them? Has someone just irritated you to no end no matter how deep you tried to go to find some love in your heart? Trigger, your arrow.

This feels so philisophical but in my head and in my heart it's becoming freedom from lies and arrows that i didn't even know i've been walking around with.

So the journey continues....

Good Morning

2006-01-09T07:34:00.000-06:00

Hi all. I'm back from my lovely week vacation in the tropical paradise of Winnipeg.

I actually don't even know the date today, but that's o.k. not a bad sign post vacation.

Jon and Emma came home yesterday from a fun filled week with Jon's family in Mexico. He has a great tan which makes me only slightly jealous and he had some good bonding time with emma. She hasn't felt the need to "punish" me yet for not being there all week. Last evening after she had been playing all day with her toys and us she told Jon "I want to go back to the hotel"! What a hoot!!

All is well baby wise. I am beginning to feel achy in my joints especially my hips. And my indigestion is enough to almost make me feel done cooking these two little ones. But the countdown is on... 7 more weeks till "term". The question in the back of my mind is "how much longer can I really do this". The pretending to be "normal" but taking it easy. I've stopped picking up things off the floor to conserve energy-however this is not conducive to toddler hood. Lately a "good sleep" is about 4-5 hours straight. I feel like I just nap continuously. But I guess bottom line is that God knows and I don't and i'm totally willing to trust him.

I was just looking up meanings of names and got a laugh out of a few of them. One of them meant "great chief" but I saw "great CHEF" and it caught my eye as I thought, "yeah, I could really use one of those in my family". Is it wrong to name your child in hopes of having someone take on the cooking? What about as a middle name, like an add on to something much more meaningful. Thankfully for the kid I didn't like the name.

I came across the name "Skeeter" with a definition of "an active or small person/someone who skeets (scoots). what exactly is "skeets" anyway?

We've excluded a name we really liked (can't remember it though) that meant "seductive temptress". Why would you even take the chance and name your kid something that risque'? But it makes me wonder just how much the name shapes your child, do we really have that much power to decide what this person will be? I've seen enough proof to know that their is something to it though. I can't think of anyone whose name meaning wasn't who this person was. Anyway, getting close to being ready in all sorts of ways.

I'm back...

2005-12-31T01:33:00.000-06:00

yes from christmas and other places. i've been on internet withdrawl as our computer went through some crazy hard drive crash after a mysterious game of Elmo's preschool went dreadfully wrong. See this is why kids should just stay off the computer. well, it was really me with emma on my lap so i guess i was kinda involved....

anyway, not sure why no capitals today. my loving hubby bought me a new, slick keypad (?is that what you call it) with a wireless mouse. it's lovely. no more stuttering, no more taking out my agression on the keys just to get it to work. a truly thoughtful gift. and it's black and silver, very flashy looking. the only problem is I can't see the letters in the dark so now i have to type with more than the computer screen light on. (i usually type with clothes on anyway)

is anyone else out there feel like they have to recover from christmas? My new lease on christmas was definately put to the test but the good news is I only left one family gathering crying. probably due just as much to my abundance of pregnancy hormones as to the stress of making it to the events.

Tomorrow jon and emma are off to mexico and i'm terribly emotional about this. But this week i've been terribly emotional about tomato soup but anyway, looking forward and dreading this week all in the same breath.

On a high note, i'm 28 weeks pregnant now and the little tykes now have a 90% survival rate if born now. this is a significant milestone. anyway, no real profound things to say. enjoy what's left of this year.

Revamping my christmas

2005-12-19T21:48:00.000-06:00

My mom gave me a book to read. It was called 100 ways to simplify your christmas. It was an easy read and I finished it over lunch today. However it made me think of some things that felt empowering as I tackle this challenge of a season.

I've often felt quite scrooge like because I hate giving gifts out of obligation, and think the chaos of the season is insane, and don't appreciate all the hard work going into the meals and nicely decorated packages that people share with me. Then I read this book and realized I wasn't the only one and I could ACTUALLY do things differently.

Her first challenge was to think about what you like about the holidays and what you dislike. I never realized I had an option not to buy my family members gifts. Or that I did not need to participate any longer in things I wasn't all for. Even if people think I'm scrooge like, or don't get it, or criticize me for it. It's my celebration of the season after all isn't it? And I totally feel like I miss out on the real point year after year.

She even had a story about a lady who preferred to spend the holidays alone to reflect and spent the whole 2 week holiday season ALONE not accepting any invitations or hosting(even from her family and kids). Well to me this was extreme but if she can do it, why can't I do what others won't get?

I think most of us don't attempt to change anything because of guilt. Because we feel cheap, or unappreciative, don't want to come across as poo-pooing our parents traditions, afraid of how people will interpret our actions, afraid to rock the boat. I got some great ideas of things to implement with my kids when they are a bit older to create MEMORIES as opposed to GUILT. And probably the biggest realization I had was that i needed to tell people why I do or do not do what I do. Or moreso why I will no longer be doing what I have done.

Anyway, it felt like the beginning of something new today. And that's always exciting.

To shave or not to shave?

2005-12-16T13:26:00.000-06:00

I am really looking forward to tomorrow. A night in the city with my best friend doing, well, whatever the heck we want without ANY kiddies. Doesn't that sound divine?

So I haven't seen a movie in the theatre since? hmm the beginning of summer. And it wasn't even good. The closest theatre in Winkler always happens to have only stuff I don't want to see whenever I'm in the mood to go see a flick. Anyway, I digress...

So a movie. Looking forward to that luxury. Oh and dinner and a catch up with Yvonne. And then of course hanging out in the pool and hottub all evening at our hotel. I bought a bikini for the beach and now am darned planning on using it to get my wear out of it since it won't see the beach. Maybe I should clean the house in it? OH or take some pregnancy photos in it.

But in preparation for the bikini event, I had to shave my legs. Now it has been at least 2 months since this event has occurred and my belly has grown enough to be terribly obtrusive. I just wanted to share that it took me almost an hour to shave in the tub thanks to the big ol' belly. Thank goodness I'm flexible to begin with. I think that is why men can not be pregnant. If they were as inflexible as Jon (and I mean kinetically) they would barely be able to get pants on, much less shave their legs with a big pregnant belly. Just a thought to prove how brilliant God really is. To think of all those little details.

So for those of you grossed out that I didn't shave the last 2 months I have a secret to share. I got my legs waxed and it was fairly painful but well worth it. I was smooth for over 3 weeks. Never has this occurred to me before. Too much information? Sorry, running out of profound things to say I guess. Anyway, I'm off to pack.

I think this is funny!

2005-12-13T21:22:00.000-06:00

We just got the crisis pregnancy newsletter and they always have awesome, funny tidbits.

Here are my two favorites to make you laugh:

NEVER LIE TO MOTHER

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's university co-ed roomate, Stephanie was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more concerned about the moral life of her son. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I can promise you that Stephanie and I are just roomates, that's all."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it do you?" Brian said, "well, doubt it, but i'll send her an email just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from the house and I'm not saying that you DID NOT take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were over for dinner. Let me know. Love, Brian."

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read, "Dear son, I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, mom."

A SCAM WARNING FROM MY FRIEND

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, DO NOT DO IT!!

This is a terrible scam. They only want to see you naked!!

I wish I'd known this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

Being a special mommy

2005-12-12T06:18:00.000-06:00

We are still pottytraining. And I'm o.k. with that. My little girl seems to enjoy my company when she is on the potty and will chat with me 15-20 minutes before she accomplishes her goal-that is if I let her.

I've been giving her "privacy" which basically means I am allowed to do something other than sit on the tub and coach her to concentrate and stop fooling around.

She's also started using "favorite" and "special" in the last few days in a variety of ways. Quite cute, trying out the language. Like when we got in the car last night she saw the moon and exclaimed "I see a BIG moon! It's my favorite"

So back to the potty. After some privacy, I go to see what's been accomplished. Emma invites me to "stay with me?" Then after some idle chatter she says "mommy you're very special" definately an awww moment. I grin and my heart melts wondering how she can be so cute, and so perceptive. She then goes on to say "Mommy you're my favorite". How can I argue with that? What a great kid.

As I sit on the tub enjoying this rewarding moment Emma's face becomes red as she starts concentrating hard, focusing on the reason she's on the potty. After a little effort she blurts out "HEH, that's my poop!" "It's very special" "It's my favorite poop!"

I can't help but laugh out loud at this amazing little wonder known as my Emma. Who by the way is quite special and at the present my favorite kid ever.

The survivor car dilemma

2005-12-10T16:12:00.000-06:00

So I've been watching Survivor this season fairly faithfully. This past Thursday the reward challenge was to win a brand new SUV. When the gal won it, fair and square, she was posed with a dilemma. She was offered the chance to give up the car she won in order to give the remaining 4 contestants each their OWN brand new SUV instead.

WHAT A DILEMMA!!

Now watching this I couldn't believe it. I kept thinking "give it up" "let more people benefit than just you" "that's what I would do". And it was interesting to hear the other contestants comments after the fact being on both sides of the argument. So she decided to keep the vehicle for herself because in the end their was no guarantee that she would end up winning the million dollars so she "had no choice". She did get voted off however, ensuring she would not win that million either.

It made me sad and angry all at the same time. How we live in one of the RICHEST continents in the world and how we are quite possibly one of the most SELFISH ones as well. I hear stories of people who travel to third world countries on a missions trip, meet the locals and are treated like kings by people who have nothing themselves. Mind you it's probably a cultural thing as well but I wondered if the same dilemma was posed to someone in a third world country to keep for yourself versus giving to 4 others if they would have chosen self.

Now even as I write this I am reminded from my high and mighty position looking down on this selfish car winner that I too once upon a time won a car. And it was a GREAT feeling. It was one of the craziest things that ever happened in my life (up to now, I guess.) And I honestly don't know if I would have given it up so that others would benefit. That makes me so ashamed as I desire to be more about others than myself. And not in a martyr way but in a "god will give me what I need - I don't have to keep it all for myself" kinda way.

So, curious. What would you have done?

Tis the season

2005-12-10T16:03:00.000-06:00

So I just finished wrapping my christmas presents. Some i've been collecting since August already (which makes me feel ahead of the game) and yet no matter how early I start there are ALWAYS people I don't know what to get and wait till the December rush.

I usually enjoy giving gifts, but as of late I am sick of stuff in general. My stuff, your stuff, needing more stuff, giving useless stuff. Even giving great stuff, it's still just stuff and I have so much stuff. Why do I need more? And I know this is hard to explain to people who always know how to buy a thoughtful gift. They are the worst because you know that they usually enjoy gifts too and being so stinking thoughtful they deserve your thoughtfulness back, but I wish we could equate prayers or kind thoughts, or even sticking up for someone behind their back as a gift they would receive in the same arena as a "wrapped gift".

For me I've come to a point that I no longer WANT to give obligatory gifts. (even though I have a few under my tree) If I can't think of something you NEED or won't fill your arteries with more plaque and fat than no gift for you. But that being said, why does that need to mean I don't value you or love you or even appreciate alllll that you've contributed to my life. I wonder how other cultures work it out. Maybe I just need to become crafty(fat chance) and make stuff. Besides baking, or a nice note I suck in the craft department.

Again I feel like there is a truth out there but I just can't get my hands on it. I know the way I've been doing it isn't right but what is right?

No easy answers. I'll let you know when I figure out the questions of the universe.

Christa's comments...

2005-12-05T22:19:00.000-06:00

I just read your comment about my last entry Christa and it struck me as quite profound (and not preachy)

She was bringing a parrallel between my thoughts on 3D images (what we see is not what is going on behind the scenes) and disappointments.

Interestingly enough this latest "disappointment" hasn't really gotten me down. And I don't think that it's attributed as much to a positive outlook as much as a shift in my thinking about the bigger picture. That what I see in front of me is not equal to what God is doing.

It's kind of like my musings and thoughts over the last couple of weeks really ARE connected and maybe, just maybe i'm learning a little something.

Like how to let God be in control (it's really only pretending that you are anyway)
Like how to look at life with some sense of eternity
Like how life is not always what you hope it might be BUT how do we know what is truly best for us anyway?

Thanks Christa for your insight into me.

The song that's been coming to mind since our appointment is Matt Redman's "Blessed be the name" The jist of it is to respond with "blessed be the name of the Lord" whether your situation is wonderful or tragic. Our life situations change but God does not and he is worthy of our praise always, not only when life is going our way.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

The update....

2005-12-03T23:37:00.000-06:00

Hello faithful readers. I feel like I'm writing a newspaper column!!hahahha.

So Friday was a really emotionally exhausting day, not to mention a really long day. We left the house at 6 am had our fetal assessment at 9 am, our dr. appt at 1245 of which we waited till almost 2 for and then drove out to Steinbach for Jon's grannies 90th birthday celebration with the extended family.

So we are home and tired. We have decided at the moment not to share our gender baby news with anyone just so we can process it ourselves without any external voices. Funny thing is that wasn't our intention. Both Jon and I have found it quite difficult in finding out their sexes (totally surprising) because it comes with mixed emotions that we weren't anticipating. We have both wondered if we did the right thing or if we would have been better off just being surprised and prepared for anything. Presently I can see so many benefits to knowing but it still doesn't make it any easier to know that knowing what we are getting also means knowing what we can't have. It's been a kind of weird grieving, saying goodbye to dreams you didn't know you actually wanted. So that being said here's what we are saying....

The fetal assessment department at St. B is AWESOME. It has totally made me feel like I"m in competent hands being taken care of by specialists who truly know what their doing. The way it works is that it's a different department than the ultrasound department where people go for their generic 20 week ultrasound. The people seeing us at the fetal assess. place are all doctors or nurses who are doing our ultrasounds. The things they are looking for are much more detailed. We got to watch the whole thing and she gave us the tour the whole time explaining what she was looking at and if she had any concerns. She assured us if she found anything that alarmed her she would immediately inform us and a doctor would be in within our visit to verify it and give us direction. That in itself is a huge relief because you wonder if them not saying something means something bad, or how long they're looking at one spot etc etc.

O.k. and here's the part I loved. I got about 10 pictures of our little ones that she totally offered and I didn't even have to pay for them. Just such a different experience than my initial experience where she was surprised I wanted them and was all flustered trying to take them. Anyway...like I said I'm liking it.

So we are 24 weeks along (Kristi) and the babies weigh approx 1 1/2 pounds each. Based on a single pregnancy they are 50th percentile for growth which is great. They scored 100% on their fetal apgar (not what it's really called) They both have 2 kidneys, well developed limbs, urine in their bladder which means they are swallowing, 4 chamber hearts without any visible abnormalities, skulls and brains without anything added or missing. Oh and the coolest thing is that the machines they use are super high tech. They had a feature which allowed us to see our baby in 3D. I explain it like it looks like they put skin on our babies so they dont' look like little aliens. I really wish I knew how to scan them and post on the blog site. Way too high tech for me at this point in time. Anyway, they are both breech at the moment but that can change as they are still floating pretty free. The doctor said I'm measuring 28 weeks but I think he's crazy. I feel I look bigger than that.

On a disappointing note I was strongly encouraged not to go to Mexico with these little ones. The valid arguments being that if I was to have them premature (at 28 weeks) they would not be covered by my insurance so we could return with some hefty hospital bills when they would be safe enough to travel. The other one being I guess that the kids are growing at a great rate and looking healthy, so the next few weeks are fairly crucial for me to manage my stress level and stay healthy myself. So I could pick up hepatitis in the water and pass it on to them or just the stress of waiting in the airport at what would be equivalent to 8-9 months pregnant would be enough to give me high blood pressure and then the babes are in trouble. From what i keep hearing over and over is that it really is a week to week battle to keep them in utero because every day longer is one day less in the nicu and one day closer to term is one day safer for their lungs and development. So hearing this so "STRONGLY" after I've been asking for the last 3 months for someone informed to give me advice really bugs me. I would have preferred knowing this info when we were 3 months pregnant instead of thinking what isn't a reality could be.

For those of you who don't know, Jon's parents decided to take all their kids, spouses and grandkids to Mexico this year. We've been planning it since last January and we actually waited to get pregnant based on not having a newborn to take. So thinking 6 months along would be safe to go (which it IS if your having ONE baby) this is when we aimed for. So the irony being we planned our pregnancy around this trip and in the end I still can't go. This was just disappointing and seeming unfair.

Comments including %$#@#$$$$ words welcome as you remind me I'm whining about something most people never get the opportunity to do because of this super huge blessing of twins accepted.

Sooooo, that's all. Any questions?

3D images

2005-12-01T13:27:00.000-06:00

I was reading the comics this weekend and had this wild thought(wild for me).

It was as I was trying to "see" the 3D image in the paper. Do you know the one's I mean. Where what you see is a flurry of activity of little angels or colors but if you put it up to your nose and then slowly pull it away another picture within the picture becomes obvious. And it's a 3D image.

Read no further if you haven't followed the above.

My thoughts as of late are that I don't think my reality is necessarily God's reality. The way I see the world and how it works in its linear state I'm coming to sense is not the way things are Truly working. It's like I'm living in a bit of a mirage that sometimes I get glances through to the deeper workings but often just live on the images of what I can see around me.

I'm just processing so bear with me. My analogy was in regards to the kingdom of this world and the kingdom of God. I think I have a fairly good grasp on how the kingdom of this world operates. If you're nice to people they like you (for the most part). If you work hard at a job you make a wage and then become "successful". If you make mistakes your penalty depends on the degree of your mistake like getting a speeding ticket versus killing somebody.

However in the Kingdom of God the rules don't often seem to be the same. Theirs stuff like Grace that covers a multitude of sins, and then there's sin where God says a sin starts in your heart and their isn't much distinction for him between what is thought and what is acted out. My point being I think for so long I've tried to fit the two together as opposed to see them as totally different. I've believed the kingdom of God relied on my success and effort and goodness like my efforts are rewarded in the Kingdom of this world. But like the 3D picture I'm thinking that their really is another reality in that 3D image that I don't totally have a clear view of, that will change the way I live out my life as the two kingdoms intersect here in my life.

I think at times I've seen something come into view but it's never been the whole picture. I'm excited to think of what God has for me to see, the picture behind the picture.

For those of you confused(as I am rereading this) my intention for blogging is foremost to process my thoughts and have a place to record them. I'm sorry if them being unclear or unfinished or possibly inaccurate is irritating. I'll accept these comments as well!! So I'm going to go sit in my tub and chew on my analogy.

Tired cranky and done

2005-12-01T13:21:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my official last day of work for the next 16 months. Wow that seems like an awesome-ly long time. I'm thoroughly exhausted after just one regular shift and so thankful I don't have to push myself any longer to try to continue working.

Tomorrow is another big day. We have our fetal assessment and are hoping to find out who we are planning to meet in weeks to months. We have yet decided if it's a public knowledge thing or if we'll just keep it to ourselves and at least let somethings be a surprise to everyone else.

So very exciting. Today I've been trying to sleep but I'm too cranky to sleep. Isn't that sound sad? It's usually one of my favorite things. Getting taken in by my comfy sheets and having my super puffy duvet all around me. I often wake up or go to sleep with a smile on my face because I truly love my bed. Oh well. At least a nice hot bubble bath awaits me...

Along the same lines...

2005-11-27T00:29:00.000-06:00

Now this is a different post so I wouldn't lose you with one being too long (sneaky blog tricks and i've still a newby) but it's kinda out of the same thought.

The other day I was doing some listening prayer with some friends. It was my turn to "header" as I call it and to me that means acting the person who asks the questions of Jesus and tunes into what and where we are going. Anyway, as we are doing this i just started feeling so inadequate because there was someone else there who does really well at this and has more practice than me and well, i just didn't want to get it wrong and mess up.

Back to the control thing. It hit me during that struggle that maybe God was big enough to use 2 totally different people and their totally different approaches and questions to still bring about the same end. That being what He has for this person to experience and hear. It kinda awed me thinking that God is that big. To not need the gifts and exactness or perfection, but rather just a willing heart.

This brings me to another thought Jon had brought up about our 1st world church culture in regards to church growth. I speak from experience feeling like someone else would do a better job at being a house group leader, or organizer of meals for the sick, or fill in the blank. I feel like I use so many exscuses as to why it can't be me and how I just need another seminar or book to prepare me more for that certain task before I do anything first.

Jon had mentioned that church growth in a third world country he'd heard of went something like this. The church was growing like a weed and new churches were being planted in the hills and the leaders and church planters were folks who themselves had only been christians for 3 or4 months. No bible school, no Willow Creek seminars to teach them how (not a dig on Willow creek) no even real experienced mentors to show them exactly "HOW"

What they had was a willing heart and obviously a relationship with God that was overflowing. So if God can use newby's so that "all things work together for good" no matter what the starting point or person or lack of experience, how can that change my attitude about it all resting on my performance. And how in turn can that affect my actions living life in confidence that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I think I've too long seen this verse as a pep talk to help me get through something as opposed to a truth that brings freedom. A promise that no matter how inadequate, how unprepared, how truly ungifted I am in that area it is GOD who is at work through me to accomplish his purposes which most often do not equate my perfection anyway. Just my thoughts...

My night

2005-11-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

So I just got back from work. Second to last shift of my life? Life as I know it anyway. Had a patient die this evening minutes after we finished turning him and trying to help him out. It was a very scary feeling to feel like you might totally be responsible for his dying at that specific moment. Maybe if we had just left him alone he would have lived a few more hours. However this man had terminal cancer so his death was not unexpected, moreso just how fast things happened. To sitting and eating breakfast himself friday morning to gone saturday evening.

As I debriefed with the staff who shared their own stories of similar fears experienced, I realized I needed to answer a question before I could go on. That being do I really believe God is in control of when a person's life ends? That he has the ultimate say and knew from the beginning of this person's life what the date and time would be?

Then if I truly believe the above, how am I responsible for my part (as little as it may be) in his death? I kinda think he could've lived another 5 minutes or more had we not disturbed the situation of his body. (the more senior staff assured me that often a patient will "go" soon after being turned or cleaned up and attribute it to changing the stasis of the body, just that one more thing to push it over its' limit)

I kinda see the scenario two ways. The first being the way I fear that it is... that I screwed up and God looked down and said "oh crap rhonda what'd you do know" and had to rush his secretary along to type this guys name in the book of life and death because God wasn't planning on him going till tomorrow evening but thanks to me he had to move it up and white out tomorrows entry. Like God is covering my butt and I have the control over how things turn out.

The other scenario I just started gnawing on during my drive home. It being that God is God and I cannot comprehend his ways. Kinda like a hugely amplified version of not comprehending my husband and his ways. He is just different and isn't wired like I am. (both Jon and God)
That God does know the day and time of everyone's death as soon as they're born. That he is totally in control and i am not. And maybe what I think "control" looks like isn't even an option for God because he is so far removed from how we operate the two can't even be compared. His "control" is something I can't comprehend, just accept. Kinda like faith and it's workings.

I know their is this whole other debate with points regarding responsibility when you are truly the cause of the death, like the guy driving the car that ran someone over. But it's too late to even confuse myself with it.

Back from life...

2005-11-24T22:26:00.000-06:00

Hello faithful and frustrated readers.

So all I can say is apparently when my life gets stressful and I end up emotionally drained I avoid the computer and blog thoughts.

For whatever reason it seems to take energy to put thoughts together in a fairly understandable way so when I don't feel like I can, I don't.

So the fast forward of my last few weeks, deep conversations, hard words, difficult feelings, busy lives, 4 trips to winnipeg (usually we go once a month) did I mention i'm still pregnant and crazy at times? an ultrasound, 2 doctors appointments....

Not more than some of your lives I'm sure, just more than I like to be doing...

So here's the scoop. Ultrasound-my two babies are fuzzy little critters with beating hearts and apparently no obvious developmental problems.

My OB guy in Winnipeg signed my sick leave for December 1'st (his suggestion not mine) I truly just about kissed him because I just wasn't sure how much longer I could push myself. So here's a crazy fact, I saw the midwife today. i am 23 weeks measuring 30 weeks and I have put on 17 pounds in the last 5 weeks. Is that not out of control. A total of 30 pounds in total. CRAZY!!!

Thanks guys for the kind words from the Vineyard Sat night. It was really good to see you all (Krista i'm sad i missed out on you) I was telling Jon it was like a big family reunion. It was a blast to see so many people of my winnipeg life all in one place. I came home with this overwhelming thankfulness for all the amazing things that the vineyard community had taught me and introduced me to during that part of my life. Specifically after worship I was so reminded of the deep wells of worship I had been introduced to how many years ago and just thankful for what that had instilled in me, and wrecked me for.

Anyhoo, until another night.

Bono's wife

2005-11-01T01:59:00.000-06:00

See all my thoughts are connected today, I just thought it would be an overwhelming blog to write them as one entry. New bloggee is learning.

So I have been thinking lately how I would love to read Bono's wife's biography. I don't even know her name but I have so many questions for her.

She has 5 kids I think. She was dating Bono right from the beginning before they became huge. I want to know how she does it and if she minds that no one knows her name? Marriage has taught me that it really does take a partnership to parent kids and fulfill each other's dreams. But how are her dreams and parenting with Bono balanced with someone who travels so much and is in high demand? I wonder if she ever wished she was married to a plumber. I wonder if she resents his huge talents? I wonder if she has fulfilled her dreams or if her life has been all about fulfilling his? I wonder what she loves about this man and what it is really like to live with him. But mostly I just want to know who she is and what makes her up.

Why don't more famous wives write biographies? I mean besides Hilary Clinton.

The pastors wife

2005-11-01T01:35:00.000-06:00

My husband is a worship leader. A "worship guy" a "muscician" but I don't feel the freedom to call him a "worship pastor" or a "pastor". I tell people we moved here because my husband took a job with a local church doing the music. It just so happens my co workers think of him as a pastor and I don't know what to say to it.

I mean yes he is, he teaches, he leads, he partners with the other co pastors to prepare sundays messages and he's totally involved with pastoral type stuff. But I don't look at him and think of him as a pastor. He's my husband. Maybe that's part of it though that I didn't realize he was a worship leader until after we were married and he wasn't working at a church either before we met. He was a computer guy whose hobby was being a musician.

As I was spending quiet time today pondering things going on in my heart the thought came to me that as a teenager I had told myself I would never want to be a pastor's wife. What a crummy role that was I thought. Up till that point I had never met a pastor's wife who looked like they had fun, who I found interesting, who the congregation didn't look at like there was a magic divide between us and her. I think of "pastor's wives" only wearing skirts, always having their hair done nicely, sitting in the front row while their husbands preached, kinda church ladyish looking. They have come across to me as reserved, not letting too many people inside, no strong opinions about things that did not concern the decor of the church or the upkeep of the bathrooms. Just someone who I never wanted to be like.

So, when they call him a pastor and I am his wife guess what I happen to be?

Thankfully I have since met a slew of women who happen to be married to pastors who are pastors themselves or have totally smashed my earlier view of what I had seen modelled. It doesn't make it any easier to understand my new role. And maybe I don't have any role to fill or play besides Rhonda the person who married Jon, who loves Jesus and doesn't wear skirts every sunday. But I was amazed at how I subconsciously have been fighting a box that God isn't even asking me to fit into.

Meal Prayers

2005-11-01T01:08:00.000-06:00

I don't know what else to call this kind of prayer. The one's that you say before you eat.

"Thanks for the great food and the hands that prepared it."
" Come be our guest at our table. "
"Bless this food to our bodies"

My thoughts are many on this topic inspired initially by my little girl refusing to pray with us at supper time.

When she first caught on she could pray with us at like a year and a half she would hold our fingers (because we hold hands as we pray) and smile big.

Then she began mimmicking us and folding her hands like grandpa and bowing her head.

Now she just plain refuses. And I'm afraid my child is a heathen. Initially we were making it an obedience issue, come on, darn it partake in the family prayer or no dessert. Now I'm aware I'm pushing an issue she's not quite developmentally ready for. She also refuses to say nighttime prayers with us. Not sure exactly what she doesn't like because she can't express her discomfort with words quite yet.

But it brings to mind prayer from a child's point of view. What is the point? Not in prayer in general but more the ritual ones. I wonder if it just doesn't make sense to her and she's uncomfortable doing something she doesn't understand. Because up to this point we've been much more focused on her learning the words for her environment and emotions than for her understanding God and Jesus. She has difficulty communicating with me, someone she interacts with, how then can I expect her to understand what it is to communicate with God. Not that I won't try to explain it in the future.

So then it brought up my own ritual prayers and why do I pray them and do I really believe what I'm saying? Does God find it important that I thank him for every meal? I truly am thankful but is it more sincere when I truly think of all the things he has given me and am thankful for and talk to him about these? Compared to a memorized prayer passed on to me by someone else that I recite in 30 seconds.

It's funny but I feel like I'm asking questions I should have asked when I was 8 years old.

At work in a southern manitoba predominantly christian community I have noticed how many of my co workers bow their heads before a meal. And I normally only pray at supper so I've felt some internal pressure to go with the flow and do like my colleagues. I mean they know I'm a christian, that my husband is a worship guy (they call him a pastor see next blog regarding this)
so why do I not partake in this overtly christian expression along with them. Simply because it feels like I'm doing it so they don't think poorly of me versus doing it because I truly am thankful. So I specifically don't do. Maybe I'm this subversive christian who makes her stands in such miniscule ways no one but me notices, but to me I just can't do it to fit in. If I don't sincerely mean it I can't say it. I just wonder what God thinks. Guess i could ask him....

Spirituality

2005-10-25T14:19:00.000-05:00

I tried this one a few entries back but never got around to saying what I had set out to.

I've been thinking lately about how "unspiritual" I feel my life is. I talk to God in bed all the time and share tons with him but my life seems to be more about little things than big "spiritual ones" I had this above thought until I had an aha moment a few weeks back about how "spiritually"infused all the little stuff really is. And how I think I'm missing out on seeing the spirit at work in life around me and within me because it's not "big" in what i'm used to seeing as "big".

For example, twins is a miraculous event. God is currently as I write forming these two little beings inside me. He doesn't set it on a timer like a bread machine that whirs it for 3 minutes and then kneads for 10 minutes so he can be doing something else. He is actually creating these two inside of me all day long. 9 months long. Creating spirit and features and bones and personalities and forming hair follicles. He says in Psalm139 that he formed me in my mothers womb and this is a hugely "spiritual" thing our society has totally annhilated. We take the spirit out of life, out of milestones, out of growth out of just simply living.

Where did I get the idea that for me to be "spiritual" is for me to be on my face in worship 24 hours a day worshipping along with a band. Why has taking care of my family and nurturing a child never been a spiritual thing for me. Or rather why does no one else talk of how spiritual this really is. I think the simple presence of a childs life screams of the spiritual at work. The miracle that this child once helpless is able to crawl and walk and talk and... milestone after milestone they really are spirit infused miracle after spirit infused miracle.

So I still long for deeper encounters with God where I am in his presence and we are together. And I am wholly undistracted to just be with him. Little kids make that one a challenge during their waking hours. But I am reminded to see all the spiritual stuff at work thru this little miracle and wake up to the real presence of God that is everywhere always wherever you look.

It's kinda like an easter egg hunt though where the "big spiritual" stuff is the easiest to see. It's the big 5 foot round egg in the middle of the floor. You have to be an idiot to miss it. But it doesn't mean that there aren't smaller eggs hiding under pillows and curtains and creative places that we shouldn't search for. Chocolate in a tiny egg still tastes as good as the biggest egg you could find.

Disappointments

2005-10-25T14:05:00.000-05:00

Funny how this should come up after my ever so insightful (being sarcastic) blog about expectations. Here's the abridged story:

We went to Minneapolis for the weekend,me and my hubby totally kid free. How can that not in itself be fabulous? But for all the miriad of reasons and experiences had I return with tears coming to my eyes whenever I think back to this weekend I expected great things from and returned hurt and disappointed by.

So a disappointment it was. My first hint should have been the pressure I was putting on this trip to be fabulous, because it's the last one I was planning to take for a while due to the twins.

I coined it in my head "my last hurrah" and I guess it still was.

Anyway, when I finally got home and was able to pour out my heavy heart to God and cry about my disappointment, he met me. I expected/even wished he would have pointed out all the reasons this disappointment was my fault to begin with and how i shouldn't have done blah blah blah to have accomplished the outcome I wanted. How if I did it over again I could "fix it" and make it perfect. But he didn't.

I just had this picture of him sitting beside me, with me, arm around me saying over and over just how truly sorry he was that I was so hurt and disappointed. What a great God. He is a much better friend and parent than I have been because this helped me much more than the I told you so's and well you shouldn't have's I am used to receiving and dishing out.

Bottom line. Disappointments are painful and are as much a part of life as happy surprises and unexpected gifts. Like winning a car. Like having twins. Some disappointments truly can be avoided and others just are part of living on this planet.

I was so touched that the God I know with all of his wisdom and splendor took the time to sit and hurt with me amid one of life's disappointments.

Very Pretty

2005-10-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

My little girl is growing up and learning how to use her language for more than just "no"s and "why's". The other morning she crawled into bed with me and said "mornin mommy" then she snuggled up to me for a bit and because it was so not"a moment" I don't remember what went on until this

She grasped my face with her two chubby hands, looked me straight in the eye and said "mommy your very pretty" and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was a moment I'll never forget. 9 a.m. doesn't look "pretty" on me so just what does a 2 year old mean by that? But the fact that she wanted to share her opinion that was not "no" and that she saw something beautiful in me made me smile and want to ensure she continues to see pretty things about me.

Isn't that an "aww" moment.

LOVE CBC RADIO

2005-10-20T22:15:00.000-05:00

Just a quickie, I was listening to this great program on the radio this morning that had a line in it that's been rolling around my head.

I even had to write it down. It was in relation to expectations which made me think of control freakiness.

The comment was "I've never found expectations to be particularly helpful"

For example, I had an expectation that I would die with a full set of 12 fancier cutlery. My freakout came when that expectation wasn't met. I do much better with things if I have no expectation for it. But is that a way to live and is it even healthy? Like a who cares anyway attitude.

But we need to expect things, like god is good and he is strong when we are weak. This is not a scientific plan to avoid pain and feeling out of control but I think their is merit to the statement. Maybe it's putting your hope in things that you totally can count on to not change. Like God and his faithfulness and his promises to never leave us. To love us no matter what. To carry us and give us strength. To make a way where their seems to be no way. Thoughts?

Baby update

2005-10-19T18:05:00.000-05:00

Had my midwife appointment yesterday. 18 weeks measuring 25 1/2. I feel like i've got this super beer gut. But I'm really enjoying rubbing my belly, I forgot how much you do this as a pregnant lady.

So after all my internal anguish about my stupid ob appointment, i left a message with the secreatary last friday and he called me back the same day. I was not home because doctors usually do not call you back and she didn't let on that this was a possibility. Needless to say I was impressed however still uninformed. So this week i called again and i'm still waiting. But i told my midwife i cried about having to wait and how anxious i was getting about planning for the future and she picked up the phone and just like that they moved up my appointment to novemember 9. I can totally handle that. So situation diffused.

On another note, have any of you ever bought your ultrasound pictures? Just wondering what the cost range was. I thought when I had Emma's ultrasound at ST. B they were wanting 50$ for one little picture. I'm hearing out here they are 15$ Just curious.

The cutlery story

2005-10-19T17:51:00.000-05:00

So dramatic.

So just to fill you in on our marital dispute previously mentioned... Jon had brought our 'fancy' silverware to church as they were doing the message on 'good' things and blah blah blah they were using it. I was working that sunday and so felt our silverware was his responsibility. He had our daughter and brought her back home why would I think otherwise about our silverware? So I digress (i'm going to see if i can use this sentence in every blog entry, keep watching)

Well, a few days later we stop by the church and Jon is picking up the silverware now. It wasn't super expensive I just LIKE IT and it comes in it's own box and everything (um i don't know why it's typing like this...)

So, he's fishing thru the silverware drawers at the church kitchen trying to find forks and we're 3 short and trying not to overreact i just say, o.k. no big deal. He took it, he can be resonsible for tracking all 3 forks down. I say this only to myself of course. So 2 weeks later, we're still 3 forks short and he's talked to so and so but has been meaning to ask her and blah blah blah. (HE says blah blah blah alot.)

So, back to control freaky, 2 weeks still missing trail getting cold. I call so and so and try to track them down. Bottom line is no one has them,no one was responsible for them, no one knew they were special and deserved to go home to their little box world and they are MISSING> I just happened to talk to this final informant 5 minutes after I retrieved my voice message about the doctors appointment.

So understandably, i call jon to bawl him out for ruining our lives and losing our 3 special forks because now we will not have an heirloom to hand down to my kids (like they'll want my old silverware anyway) but it's in its own box.... sorry i digress. :)

So end of story, 2 forks found somewhere in the kitchen after he looked AGAIN, and his response to me was "it's a dessert fork and I never eat dessert, so we'll never need the 12th anyway." the end

Tomorrow's Another Day

2005-10-14T00:35:00.000-05:00

Today was not my most stellar day. It started out alright until I retrieved a phone message i've been waiting for forever. Actually FOREVER. (fingers pounding innocent, defenceless keys)

It was from my midwife (hope she's not reading this) and i've been waiting to hear back about my appointment with my OB guy(he's not the creator of the tampon) which I am literally dying to get to. I have questions no one can answer except him, and papers no one else can sign either thus, i am anxious to see him to ask my stupid questions and have the OB god decide my fate.

My questions are as follows:
1. How long should I be working my ward job (please say I need to stop before christmas) just a little fyi for all my nursey friends out their, it's my christmas to work as i am forever at the bottom of the food chain.

2. Can I get sick benefits before I take my mat leave, and if so please sign the dotted line so i can sign up for them as soon as i stop working (see question 1 for answer)

3. Can I go to mexico over new years being 28 weeks pregnant. My in laws have been planning this trip since last christmas and i specifically (i guess "we") planned on being 6 months pregnant with one to ensure we'd have no problems travelling or with an early delivery.

4. Can we find out the sex of the babies out here in the sticks hospital. If not i'd like to go elsewhere to ensure i can find out so we can prepare as much as possible before and save most of the surprises for life with twins.

Sigh, so i just feel so control freaky today. I'm not good with unknowns unless unknown is the answer. Like when will i die, no answer available therefore unknown is what i'm stuck with. Can I go to mexico, answer available just out of my reach for longer than i can handle. and i don't do well with that. I just do better knowing.

So, my message was that my OB appointment is not until Dec 15, 10 days before I want to work my last shift and 16 days before I am to leave for mexico. Sigh, I know the midwife has alot of other things to worry about besides the details of my life but I shared with her my concerns and she couldn't give me any answers. I just have so much resting on this stupd doctors appointment, albeit, things that really aren't significant in the long run, just in my present mental health state.

So, there. Funny how it's always the things that are unsaid that probably weigh the heaviest and cause the crappiest days for unknown reasons. I even started a fight with my husband over missing silverware after being grouched out with my phone message.

Dee any answers or suggestions for me?

Christa what is your email?(totally unrelated to above rant)

Can tomorrow be a better day instead of just another one?

Sweet hearts

2005-10-11T12:55:00.000-05:00

So I was driving in my car eating "rockets" They are those little miniature sweet tarts that are pure sugar and dissolve within a minute. All pastel colors. Emma likes them and it has become my special treat/bribe toy. As I was letting them melt away they reminded me of the sweet hearts you can buy at valentines day that has corny thoughts writte across them, like "sweet boy" or "number one" whatever.

But I was transported back to this day in my childhood when my mom ACTUALLY let me purchase candy willingly. We were at the Sears department store, and back then they had a bake shop and this huge candy bin of containers that held captive some uninterested adult for their shift. So I specifically remember having money and waiting in line and getting to the till and being overlooked. I mean I had money, I knew what I wanted and the wicked old wrinkly lady working there wouldn't ask me what I wanted, just looked over my head at whoever was behind me. I remember just being tall enough that my eyes poked over the counter but as I was eating my rockets driving peacefully I got mad. If that lady would have walked across my path at that moment, I honestly may not have slowed down.

I just thought why would someone so easily overlook a child. Especially if you are working at a candy counter. Don't you think they are your main consumer? She totally would have been fired off of Martha Stewart's apprentice for that stunt and maybe that should be enough for me to just let it go. But, I just can't. So I think back to this 5 year old cutie pie with a quarter in her hand wanting just a little taste of paradise(the drama I know) and wish there were more people in the world who stood in awe of the little ones. Just for all of their sincerity and cuteness and unblemished humanity. Kids are amazing little creatures and I need to remember that more often myself. Heaven forbid someone remembers me as the wrinkly old crabby lady that......

Sigh, anyone want a rocket?

Blog-load

2005-10-11T12:54:00.000-05:00

Hello all. I was such a roll with my blogging, i'd blog and then post and then not 5 minutes later I'd have something else on my mind i wanted to write about. Well this week has been pretty busy for me and I guess the correlation was that I was super CRABBY. Hard to blog when your a big grouch. So, today much less crabby but i've been wondering how all are doing. Alas, I digress. (don't you just love that line)

So, um, what was I going to say? OH YEAH> I had this terrific timesaving idea that would be revolutionary for the blogging world. I was driving thinking of all these things I wanted to blog about and just wished my computer was nearby. That I could just speak my thoughts and they would get saved for a later date when I could put them into the computer. But then it hit me, what I need is an automatic download from my brain onto my blog site so i could blog whenever the urge came upon me. Brilliant, however we'd have 16 hours of daily blogging to wade thru, tough to want to read.

Winter Driving

2005-10-06T08:31:00.000-05:00

So having to have a title for your entries...NO, today I will just trick blogger into thinking this is a thought out rational entry when in fact it's just stuff all mixing together in my brain.

Yesterday I took Emma to Mcdonalds. The story starts out this way... Abbreviated version
we're in walmart
she see's the bright red "M" at the end of the aisle
points and asks for "ph-why's"

(I feel like i'm writing a screen play.)

How does she know big fluorescent M means fries? I don't take her there, really, like maybe every other month.... hmmmm those daddy outings are seeming suspicious

i say, yes that's mcdonalds
she says, e i e i o?
i stop and put it together and say "of course genius!"
sure eieio!

so now, brilliant, she actually has a vocabulary for mcdonalads and every time we go to the co-op for groceries, what's across the street but eieio's. and what does she want "ph-why's and a hm-booger"

so yesterday to celebrate the first snowstorm of the year we went to eieios at lunch,emma screamed when i took her into the windstorm pelting us with icy hard rain. and we ate lunch together. It was like being in love, staring at this person across from you, studying their face and thinking they are the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. I promise she's just as cute as your kid. It was a moment lunch that was well worth the $3.60 spent.

anyway, gotta go. I'll write about my winter driving another time

spirituality

2005-10-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for all the comments. This blogging thing really makes me feel connected to people, to friends. That is a really great feeling.

So I just need to clear up a few blog site etiquette questions. Do I respond to your comments in the comments section or in my next blog, or on your blog site? Not wanting to offend. It's like starting a whole different conversation with the comments or writing about what I want to write about.

That being said I really appreciated the dreams comments. I know toddler hood is so short, but it's a scary thing when you are in it and you no longer have dreams (or just can't think of them past wanting a shower and a clean house) Anyway I have to go, computer virus problems and my husband is here to fix. I will post later.

dreams

2005-10-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

So i'm just about to blog, feeling all inflated and funny after some encouraging comments and i ask emma, "is your mommy funny"? and she looks at me and without skipping a beat and says NO. I laughed.

o.k. before i get to my "title" thought the grossest thing happened to me yesterday. I sat on one of emma's diapers, the kind that has been on 12 hours and contains 4 glasses of milk from overnight. And this is the kicker, I didn't even realize it until i got up and felt the huge wet spot on my bum. And i look down and thankfully it was on the leather couch,but it squeezed out all this urine when i sat on it. superabsorbent, but also able to wring out and measure? Fascinating discovery for mothers everywhere.

Thank you again for your comments. They make me feel alive and connected.

So making a long story short, motherhood for me has been a difficult adjustment. I've been processing some of my thoughts lately in productive ways that seem to give me insight and this is just a tidbit of where i am at.

Jon asked me if i regretted not following some of my dreams before I had married as now everything is just more complicated. Specifically my dream of being a missionary in africa. Now with twins on the way how do we even comprehend doing this dream at this stage of life. My answer was no regrets because at the time I tried to go and it just wasn't the time for me.

But it got me thinking about my dreams before i was married,before i was anurse, before i even graduated highschool. I wanted to go to bible school and know more about my faith. I wanted to be a missionary in africa. And I wanted to be a mom.

Now when i look backon it it wasn't that i wanted tobe married and have the white picket fence, marriage and my knight in shining armor wasn't part of the dream. I just wanted to have a person to take care of that i could show the world to. I envisioned taking my 7 year old to the ballet, and going to museums, and hiking in the mountains. I dreamt of how i would celebrate puberty with my daughter to make itspecialfor her(sorry stuttering) How i would listen to my kids and their friends and get to know them. these desires definately came from my own longings for my parent to do these things with me, but also from my unique interests and gifts. I am a people person. I find people fascinating and I love talking to them to get to know them. I always said i much preferred people to pets. So maybe i thought of a child in the way someone thinks of having a puppy.

So their i sat and i had this epiphany. I am not a missionary in africa, nor am i great many things i used to be and do before i was a mom but i am living out my dream. It was just a bit of a shock to realize it. I guess i never dreamed of breastfeeding, or even taking care of a toddler, i wasn't so good as a babysitter growing up. But I really clicked with the tweens and was a great camp counsellor for these ages, so motherhood i'm sure will blossom when i get to these ages. Well i can dream anyway.

So I have to say, this isn't at all what i envisioned dreaming of being a mom, but it has been great at some places along the way. And now here comes the twins. Now I dream about having 4 and 7 year olds. 10 and 13 year olds. 16 and 19 year olds. Their is so much about dreams that can't be encompassed in 5 years or less. Some of them will truly take lifetimes to achieve.

Emma has just taken off her diaper. She informs me it is "full". Another 12 hour one. She has refused to put another one on so guess what she's wearing, her teletubby panties. Oh to be so lucky. Until the next epiphany.

wow 12 comments...

2005-09-29T11:09:00.000-05:00

I have to say 12 comments is overwhelming. Just to have one post, and I guess one blog friendly person with connections and advertising,and voila. 12 comments. Thank you all for welcoming me back to blogger land. Who else of you have blog sites I can keep up with? more comments please!!

O.k. so i am currently having a problem with my keyboard. It's like needing me to slow down with my typing and i have to hit it realllllllly hard for it to work. Than i have to back space lots to fix all the mistakes. It feels like i'm stuttering with my fingers. That in itself is a funny thought.

So what i was going to blog about today was this incident that happened the other night as emma was procrastanating going to bed. Do your kids do this? They don' t eat much all day, and then at bedtime AFTER snack they are HUNGRY. What a surprise. So ofcourse she can stay up and eat something because the total intake for her day is like an 1/8 of an apple, 3 french fries and some linty crackers she found under the fridge. So I melt and say o.k. Anyway, that itself is not the story, i digress. ( is that how you spell that?)

So she's eating her orange. And we are playing settlers with our friends at the table beside her. She starts to cough and then her face gets red and she starts choking. Jon gets up to tell her to cough and then as the seconds seem to tick away and things aren't changing, i get up and walk over to her calm as can be, stick my finger into her mouth and do this scoop technique and scoop out all the orangy goop that she's choking on. So then she's crying and scared and I hurt her throat and she's fine. Then, only after the incident I'm blown away that I knew what to do, that it even worked, especially since I learned this scoop technique in a cpr class when I was 15 taking lifeguarding stuff. I have NEVER used this before to ensure that it worked, I don't evenknow what I would have done if it hadn't. Their wasn't a plan B besides turning her upside down and whacking her on the back. It blows me away how scary things are in retrospect when they didn't seem so at the time. I guess we just don't automatically think of how things can go wrong in this situation while it's happening, just that we are going to correct it.

Anyway, I wanted to call my mom and thank her for paying for this class I took so many years ago that kinda saved her grandaughter from choking to death. But of course i didn't (yet) because i'm sure i;'ll be in for it for not juicing her oranges, or cutting them up, or maybe my mom thinks i shouldn' t be giving her oranges anyway. I'm sure I need to give my mom more credit but right now I can't beat myself up or allow anyone else permission to. I just need to thank the lord that it all turned out o.k.

So this morning, Emma woke up and said to me first "MORNING" then grabbed my face with her two little hands and planted one on my lips. It's possibly the sweetest thing she's ever done. Then I smiled even more because I guess she's just mimicking me when i wake her up in the morning. Kids are really great things.

Another tid bit until i blog again.... I saw my midwife last week. I am 14 weeks measuring 20 weeks. Yikes. I keep thinking "oh my gosh how big can i really get" So i'll let you know. A friend of mine whose had twins,said she was measuring 42 weeks at 30weeks. Is this god's idea of a joke? ?But i guess for the bonus of one it's gotta fit in somewhere. right? And the goal is to make it to 37 weeks where i'll be measuring 58 weeks?? And how do they know it's 58 weeks don't they stop counting after 45?46? Anyway, enquiring minds want to know.

Monday...

2005-09-26T20:58:00.000-05:00

Hello Yvonne, just wanted to give you something to read when you optimistically come to see the site anticipating i've yet to blog. I really had something interesting to say yesterday. I saw something that gave me some thoughts, however, today those thoughts are no longer.

I am however starting to waddle. I thought it was only I who noticed but Jon "can't lie" Loeppky confirmed that he has noticed this as well.

What a beautiful day today. I actually was lying down in the grass with crunchy leaves all around me and a big beautiful blue sky looking down on me. I love fall when it is like this. And I decided today I really love where my house is located. A 2 minute walk from the elementary school/playground. I'm sure next spring the proximity will be a lifesaver.

I saw this chubby little 6 month old baby the other day that made me smile and look forward to that age again. That is a nice feeling, as opposed to seeing them and being glad i'm not their.

I bought scrapbooking supplies today, just stickers and letters. Why you ask? I am making a lift the flap book for my nephew for christmas on his winnipeg family. I found some cute stickers about winter and grandma and grandpas house that sealed the deal that stickers would be the accent des gras.

Superficial and fluffy but that's all i have coming off my working weekend. tata

Guess who's back?

2005-09-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

Wow. Two years later.

I tried!

2003-11-23T15:53:00.000-06:00

So I really did try to post last week but I couldn't get onto the site. Retarded. So, what's new you ask?? Well, not sure. I've been enjoying the freedom of a portable child lately. I plop her in the carseat and off we go and amazingly she usually falls asleep during our rides.

I bought her this Veggie Tales CD that has songs personalized with her name through out it. I actually think I find it more enjoyable than she does. My favorite line in this one song is " Does aunt ruth have a beard" Just writing it makes me laugh!!

Daddy's watching football with his newest football fan. His best friend bought Emma a teeny weenie Jersey of Jon's favorite team. It's so super cute.

If you don't know Yvonne and I are planning an artisan's show and sale Dec 6 at the Vineyard church. We've already got over 20 people signed up for tables. I'm terribly excited. Which reminds me I have to go and make a phone call. Trying to track down some more tables. tata

Bi-monthly?

2003-11-03T23:04:00.000-06:00

O.K. O.K. So how does bi-monthly updates sound?? I honestly just can't do a daily and weekly just didn't happen this week. Not sure why I can't do daily, because I'm not on the computer daily I guess. And if I have some spare time to sneak away, i have journalling homework I should be doing. so, sigh.

Tonight in class we were talking about fears. I found it interesting to see what I wrote. I'm all about categories and nice boxes so i could only write what I was currently afraid of. I decided that each day I will write myself a list of the 20 things that I fear based on categories. Like what did I fear as a child. And what do I fear in my marriage. And what do I fear as a parent. Because they are all so different.

So I think the overall theme I got from my fears was that I'm afraid most of the things I can not control. Or of losing control. For example, I am afraid of my little girl being molested. don't they say 1 in 4? or something like that? And I'm afraid of my parents dying before I"m ready to let them go. but i can't really control these things. I mean I can to a point but without never leaving my daughter's side or letting her have any sense of independence, it's all a bit of a risk. And my parents dying, I"ll never be ready to let them go. It'll always feel like they were snatched from me. It's out of my control. and I really don't like that.

Funny enough my biggest reason for not going skydiving is because I think being a quadrapalegic would be the most difficult thing in the world for me to do. I'm a fidgiter and I can't even imagine life without movement that I controlled. Isn't it interesting that the biggest thing I can think of that would seem like a living death to me is all about having no physical control over anything. Does this make me a control freak?? Anyway, for those of you reading please don't check more than once a week and I won't feel bad for not writing. If there's an earlier update consider yourself "surprised"!!!! tata

Weekly Post

2003-10-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

O.k. So I think the best I might get is a weekly update. But at least I"m trying. So, motherhood as of late doesn't seem to have as much mayhem in it. I was just thinking that as I was logging into my site.

I've really been enjoying my peanut the last couple days and getting so much joy out of every little smile and all of her advances. She really is a terrific little kid. I am a really lucky girl to have her in my life.

I already thank her for coming into my life. I hope to do this the rest of her life so she always knows she is special and cared for and loved. This is because I'm such a touchy feeler kinda person. I have the need to express what I feel to the people I love. Still working on expressing the "unmentionable" emotions because they are not nice.

A friend of mine was sharing a message she heard at her church about the verse "I wish you were either hot or cold. If you are lukewarm I will spit you out of my mouth" Rhonda's translation. And she was thinking to herself what does lukewarm look like to me and she realized it was niceness. Don't you think that's profound. Being "nice" is not offending, not being honest, not being sincere, not disagreeing. It's just "nice".

tonight I am tired. it's been a busy day. too busy to use capitals anymore. had my journalling class today. it was pretty fun. my favorite part was the painting like we were in grade one. i really wished i had a smock and an easel like we did back then.

i think they should start kindergarden classes for adults. to learn how to play again. maybe that's what parenthood is. an all day, all week, all night class on being a kid and playing through life. i really hope i'm a good mom. i want my kid to be able to talk to me and tell me what's going on inside of her. i'm sure it'll break my heart when she tells me to mind my own business, or puts a "do not enter" sign on her door and keeps it closed all the time. But i'm so sure it doesn't have to be like this or even may never be like this. i just hope it doesn't. i hope our stages are worked through with communication.

we went to a cottage for a night this week. it had a hot tub on the patio outside. it was divine running out into the cold air at night and getting warmed by the bubbling water. the best is when you get so hot that it's actually refreshing to be out of the water in the cool air. funny thing. i have a sore throat at the moment that's been really bugging me. probably got it from that relaxing time cooling off in the midnight air. why do all the fun things in life have to have consequences. like sex. you get babies. not that their bad but it's a heavier responsibility. like chocolate you can get thicker thighs. can you think of anything fun that doesn't have a heavier consequence. maybe that's what makes them fun is the risk involved. maybe not. till next week.

Keeping Up

2003-10-13T22:03:00.000-05:00

Aaagh, so good to see I'm keeping up with an almost weekly update. Happy Thanksgiving all. Anyone else have ham or chinese food for the big meal??

We've had family in from the west coast this weekend. A wedding, a 40th anniversary, an orgranized family photo shoot with all the nieces and nephews and of course thanksgiving dinner with a marshmallow roast. Just a little busy.

Wonderful weekend when all is said and done. Don't know if anyone else feels like this but my 2 brothers live out in B.C. and we see each other maybe once a year if we're lucky. When we first start hanging out it feels so awkward, like trying to make polite conversation with the stranger next to you on a long bus ride. But by the end of the weekend, it feels just like home. Funny how that is.

One of my brothers brought his 8 year old daughter and 4 year old son. The boy is a hoot. He's addicted to video games, so much so that he was playing them out into the parking lot after dinner last eve and yelled at my dad when he walked by "hey, get out of my light!!" as it threw off his game. Too cute. He's such a little snuggler too. He was giving me a big hug today, resting his head on my shoulder and he says to me with his lisp, "Auntie Rhonda, you can tell me anything and I'll listen". Just makes you want to kiss him. He also knows all the words to the spider man theme song and has nicknamed my brother, his play arch enemy "the gob" for the green goblin.

I so enjoy this age of kids. Yet I'm sure when I'm there it may not be so fun if I'm the one constantly saying "listen to me" or "get down from there" or "did you pee your pants again?" The 8 year old really likes me which is neat. She's asking to sit beside me at dinner and wants to hold Emma and play with her. I've already asked her to come out and be my babysitter when she's older. I only have nephews close by so it was a really nice treat to see how a niece interacts with me. Anyway, this was my long weekend.

Creative Journalling

2003-10-06T23:03:00.000-05:00

This evening I started my "creative journalling" class. To which my mother said "what on earth does that mean?" Good question. But anyway it was really good. I've sat in on some of Kim's journalling workshops before and thoroughly enjoyed the creativity that was encouraged out of my innards. And that's why I signed up, to have a place to allow myself to express the creativity that most often gets stuck.

It was really fun. Larry Reimer was there with his curly curls and his giggle. It made it that much more fun to be around friends.

I came home and feel so alive. So able to laugh. And dream. And write. What I found the most challenging was thinking up 10 different things that I found beautiful. Besides friends and family etc etc. Try it, it's hard to find beauty in things unless your used to doing it. This is my hope, that I can learn to start looking for these daily to add to my list.

Most importantly I feel like I met with me. I don't think I've seen her much lately, she's been too busy and overwhelmed with the kid and the housekeeping and ensuring groceries are in the house. All that menial stuff. It was good to just spend time with me, no distractions.

Happy Birthday, me!

2003-10-05T15:24:00.000-05:00

So it was my birthday on Friday and I turned 29. It was a bit of a let down and it's not for others lack of trying. I think it's because this year 29 feels alot older than 28. Not just one year older but like a whole decade older. I can no longer deny the fact that I am pushing 30 even though I still feel like I just graduated from university. I can talk to people who just graduated from highschool and feel just a wee bit older. Like a big sister. But being almost 30 widens the gap and makes me feel like their mom.

Age is a funny thing. But I'm not sure why it's funny. :)

Stages

2003-10-05T15:20:00.000-05:00

So I was talking to my brother in law yesterday about kids. I had said "I'm looking forward to her being out of this stage" and he said to me "Yeah but then they just grow into a different one. As they get older their problems may be fewer but they become bigger". I thought what a truth. My infant isn't dealing with peer pressure and "saying no to drugs". Nor temptations to mess around with her boyfriend in the back of OUR car!!! This is why she will not be allowed to drive, ever.

And then it dawned on me that this is how I often view my most recent challenge in my own life. With disdain that their is still ANOTHER thing to deal with and work through. I've just turned 29 shouldn't that be old enough to have learnt something by now? What my little one is showing me and teaching me is that life is never absent from a bit of complication. A bit of excitement and adventure, it's just how you look at it.

And for as long as we grow together there will be "something" for both of us to work through in our growth as individuals. Currently it's Emma learning to sleep through the night and allow a babysitter to spend time with her. And for me it's learning that it's not bad to be needed and I am the exact mom my little girl needs.

Coffee

2003-10-02T23:00:00.000-05:00

So life is looking up. I went for coffee with another new mom today and we went for a walk through assiniboine park. It was lovely. This is my new favorite word. I will try not to overuse it. I'm really getting so much life from going for walks with the stroller (and the kid). It's kind of like my new favorite thing to do. I wake up in the morning and look outside. If it's cloudy I think "shoot, it'll probably be too cold for a walk" and if it's gorgeous I say "YEAH, what a great day for a walk!!"

In re-reading this it makes me feel like my life is quite simple. And that's not a bad thing even though something in me gets up wanting to defend it. but defend what? The fact that life with a kid is a bit slower than I'm used to? What's to defend? I guess the fact that I'm actually admitting to the world that I'm not super mom and my life is alot different than I pictured it to be as a mom.

Anyway, I'm not sure what it is but if you want to have an encounter with me we need to go for a walk. Hopefully on a nice day or all we'll do is complain about the weather and talk about how much further it is till we get to a warm place. I'm seriously thinking about taking up mall walking in the winter because I'm not sure what to replace with my need to be moving and socializing. But I love the breeze on my face. And the smell of outside air. And the beauty of the world up close. I forgot to mention I usually don't enjoy the walks by myself. To be life giving it must be with another person who wants to walk and talk. Maybe we'll have a warm winter and that will solve my problem.

Does anyone else think of people over the age of 80 as the only people "mall walking"? Anyway, don't tell anyone I think mall walking would be lovely in the winter. Doesn't saying "lovely" make you feel nice???

2003-10-01T22:03:00.000-05:00

OH My Gosh... I can't believe it's been a whole week since my last blog. And that long since I've read anyone else's. Man, life just flies by way too fast sometimes. And then I think "what do I have to show for this past week". I'm not sure what I think, maybe that each week I should have discovered a new cure for a deadly disease, or learned something of significance, or even impacted someone's life and drastically changed it... FOREVER. Talk about Drama heh. Anyway, let's see, a whole week in review. Lots of running around doing things I didnt' wish I had to do. Sleeping a day away while my mom watched my Emma. Shaving my legs (highlight of my day yesterday :). And learning how to give my little one pablum to tide her over through the long nights. It's been working and I've thankfully been getting a bit more sleep.

I'm sad I missed out on the women's retreat but I know I didn't have the emotional energy to engage in any of it. I'm so encouraged to hear how the worship times were.

Anyway, back to me, what if we changed our expectations to more childlike ones. We could make ourselves calendars and put stars on them for all the little things we do that compose our week. like brushing our teeth and showering, how about putting on deodarant. You could even give yourself a star for changing into clean underwear. Whatever it takes to get yourself as many stars as possible. Because really we do soooo much in a week. Especially as mothers, you attempt to take care of yourself, your home, your husband, your children and then your relationships etc etc etc. It may not be earthshattering but so much is lived in all of these little encounters. Like crouching down and staring into the face of your child for a few minutes just watching in awe. That should be worth 3 stars because I think that should hold more value than lets say paying a bill or making vegetables for dinner. And how about talking to your parents and realizing yet another reason you are thankful they are still around for your life. That should be worth a few stars as well.

In saying that I have to tell you that I love my parents. This weekend my husband was gone for the weekend and I felt really lonely. So not only did I call my parents to see if I could come and "impose" on them by staying for the weekend but they actually had to come and pick me up and bring all the baby toys along. And my mom just kept saying over and over "it's all right, that's what we're here for." I hope that's what kind of a parent I can be. Always loving and giving of myself even when it's not convenient. So for my kids that I'd do anything to help them out. I can only pray God will show me how to grow into that mother. Anyway, I will try to write more consistently. Thank you to my 2 readers for being faithful!! haha

2003-09-24T18:41:00.000-05:00

So, I understand that I really don't have monkeypox. And my chances are pretty limited unless I happen to come in contact with an infected prarie dog. As well, it is not quite fatal but distressing to have.

Today life seems very slow. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm very excited for Yvonne and Aila, I just wish I was there enjoying it with them. What I mean by slow is that it takes forever to get something done. Even the essentials. Do you know I haven't had a shower or even brushed my teeth yet, and it's almost 7 p.m.?? Does this mean you won't talk to me at church knowing this?? I promise I usually do both everyday, but today...like i said it was too slow.

I was driving around my husband and his buddy this morning and then visiting my parents and by the time I got home at 2 p.m. I needed a nap. It really amazes me how little I can do in a day even though I've lived and breathed every second.

My mind seems slow today as well. Maybe this is what a rest day is for. For everything to slow down and the pace of life to slow down and life to just be breathed in.

And my last thought, I really don't like that on my comments section it starts by saying "entertain me". I read it every time and think ? who wrote that? who wants me to be more entertaining? Isn't that a lot of pressure to put on someone? then I realize, oh it always says that. Anyway, I guess lately I'm blogging as a way of communicating with the outside world and not always is it entertaining.

I've been craving baked potatoes like nobody's business. Anyone with me?? It's seriously all I'm going to have for supper. yum yum.

2003-09-22T02:46:00.000-05:00

Thank you for the comments everyone. It's really great to know people actually care about my sillly thoughts.

So, I was so exhausted after this weekend I went to bed at 9 p.m. Lucky for me, so did my daughter and she woke up next at 2 a.m. Non parents will be horrified, seasoned parents will say a prayer of thanks that they are no longer here, and I, well I am rested enough after 5 consecutive hours to not be able to go right back to sleep.

So, I heard a word yesterday that I haven't heard for a while and I love it because it makes me giggle. It's "monkeypox". I think we first heard it on the news and me and Jon howled. Now I'm sure it's a terrible disease to have, even lethal, possibly. I really don't know. I can't even write the word without laughing.

O.k. but here's what I was going to say. If I could choose what I would die from it would be monkeypox. I just think that's a way to go, out with a bang. Anyone with me?

Another aside, (don't know what that means, just like how it sounds) we have Pepsi in the fridge because it was on sale. I needing something to wet my whistle (yes at 2 a.m.) and wisely chose "pop". Pepsi is gross. Maybe it's the combination of not brushing my teeth before bed and carbonated sweetness, but my mouth gets the "no" feeling from Pepsi. Yet strangely enough, I finish the glass.

And my last thought for the day (or night).... Lately I'm realizing that I'm really tired. This not sleeping full nights is really catching up to me and making me a bit of a crazy woman. We prostrate ourselves crying out to God for many things, things we think will make our lives better and possibly easier. Healing of relationships, direction for our life, healing for inner emotions, money for things we think we need but can live without (even though it makes it a hardship). But here's my point, why don't we ever cry out for something basic like sleep. It is a necessity. WE can't LIVE without it. Really. Like air. We need it to survive. And yet if we are tired we just sleep. Possibly pray that our minds would quiet so we could sleep but we act on this need. I'm wondering if often I use prayer as an exscuse not to do anything about the problem or issue because I don't want to do the wrong thing. So I do nothing and hope God will solve the problem for me. But maybe I should do what I feel is right off the bat and pray as I move in that direction.

I know that there are things we pray for that we are powerless to change. And remember it is almost 3 a.m. I think that is a valid excuse to not make perfect sense. So, i need to think about this some more... have a great day all

2003-09-18T15:52:00.000-05:00

So, from what I understand I have a "comments" section. Unfortunately I can't figure out where it is.... Does this mean I am totally dependent on Yvonne to read me my blog comments over the phone!!! haha. So I have many thoughts today.

First I was surprised that anyone was checking out my sight. How does anyone know about it?? And why are you reading about my life?? Love to know. Kinda makes it scary to realize that this just isn't going into no man's land for a few close friends but to who knows who.

Secondly, I saw an add that totally made me groan and then I saw the tv commercial. It was regarding Pepsi Vanilla. Now, the thing that makes me mad is that Pepsi is totally stealing the idea from Coke. Right? That is unless it was Pepsi's idea first but coke just mass produced it first. But why do we need two of them. I personally like Vanilla coke and am probabaly more loyal to coke than to pepsi. Maybe their are people out there who are relieved or even ecstatic that Pepsi has their own line of Vanilla tasting stuff if they are not a fan of coke. I just think it's silly.

Thirdly, I realized today that life is sometimes hard. And their is no way around it. That sucks. It's nice to have God's presence walking you through it but I still wish it were different. And I think I waste more time trying to get around the hard stuff than putting energy into getting out.
Life is a beautiful thing. So many wonderful feelings and emotions but this is the rule of life, their is good and their is bad.

I will try to blog more consistently. Yvonne is really afraid that this is a fad that will pass for me. She has real reason to be concerned!! I am a fan of short term interests. tata

2003-09-14T18:38:00.000-05:00

Now this one isn't so deep. Phew what a relief heh? Anyone up for a great movie?? check out "Ratrace". terribly funny movie. It has such a fascinating plot with the most interesting characters, definately not a regular hollywood movie. My favorite scene is with the Mormon twins racing their monster trucks. Brilliant visual stimulation. This movie made me laugh. I also saw "Oceans 11" last night. See we don't have cable and a new baby who goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. Which would be great if she could babysit herself....

But I digress, I was really impressed by oceans 11 as it wasn't as Hollywood as I was expecting. It had a great plot and drew me right in. For goodness sake I feel like Siskel and Ebert.

Anyway I'm probably well behind the times with the movie thing but at video cellar you can rent a recently new release, like stuff I've been meaning to see but haven't got around to, for 3 days at a whopping cost of 99 cents plus tax. Funny this fits perfectly into my budget. My next movie to watch is "signs" My hubby thinks I'll scream. I don't like scary movies but love on the edge of your seat, no idea what will happen next thrillers. Unfortunate for me heh?

2003-09-12T12:29:00.000-05:00

My little girl is adorable. 4months and the love of my life. I really enjoy her and whatever it is she is learning how to do. When you become a mom there's books to help you know what tasks your kid should be developing at what stage. If I was to look at that i'd say that my little girl is on the slower end. That makes her sound retarded. Why is "the norm" such a big thing and who decided what it is.

If I looked at my life as "the norm" than everyone of my friends would either be catergorized as "advanced" or "delayed" dependent on how it compared to me. But their "status" would change if compared to someone else. So how accurate can this type of measurement actually be?

Right from the beginning the personality of my daughter Emma was one that seemed to be patient and in no rush. She didn't start kicking till the last day of the 4 week period you should begin to feel kicks. I was looking at her yesterday wondering when she will start putting things into her mouth or picking up toys, or rolling over. She's not interested yet in any of it. She is capable of it she just isn't interested.

The thought I had was that I really needed to remember that right from the beginning of her days she set her own pace and it wasn't as fast as mine. That I really need to let her be her own person and develop at her own speed. Because this is just who she is. And I love her for it.

So why can't I apply that to my own life. I am constantly frustrated with myself that I am not like so and so, or that I haven't learnt something fast enough. I should have got it by now right? Others have so should I. Yet if I look at my past and at who I am, the things that frustrate me about myself are things that are true to my character. The way I am is just the way it is. I have my own pace, my own ways, my own built in unchangeable characteristics. I look forward to offering myself the same love and grace that I have for my daughter to just be who she is and not compare her to anyone else.

2003-09-11T07:05:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was a good day. Maybe because I spent the day playing with a 5 year old who's new favorite phase is "what the..." and I did a minimal amount of housework. I had a long good talk with my husband last night. About many things. He wants a truck. He could really use a truck. Does he NEED a truck? He thinks so, I wish he could just use what we have. A reliable tercel that doesn't fit anything my husband ever buys at home depot. But what does having things that fit your life the way you wish do except make life easier and hopefully more enjoyable. My point exactly, he can do without a truck. His point, maybe life was meant to live from a place of vision and possibility creating that reality rather than just managing with what you have. I hate when he so... unarguably makes more sense than I do. The main reason I am hesitant about this purchase is because we literally do not have the money to buy a truck. I hate debt and have been raised to avoid it at all costs... funny how I value this freedom more than living a life that is potentially less stressful and more enjoyable. The reason I hate debt is (per our conversation last night it dawned on me) totally because I'm afraid of not getting out of it. My husbands point, me of all people should have the confidence in myself to believe I will ALWAYS get out of debt and it could be a means to a life I/he wants. Instead of wishing things could be different in my life and actually making a sacrifice to change it, I am more apt to just put up with it the way it is and try to be satisfied. This value interestingly enough affects every aspect of how I live including conflict, knowing what I want,(whatever I get should be "good enough" even if I don't like it) making ANY decision, and unfortunately dreaming. Do you know how often I say, "it doesn't matter, whatever" from what to eat for supper, to baby paraphanalia, to clothing, to toilet paper, to what my husband wants to do and how he does it. What a cop out. Letting and forcing others to make the decision for you. and does it matter, sometimes it doesn't but more often than not I'm beginning to think it does. So what do you do about it when you realize there is room for change but you have no frigging idea how to be different. I guess you just learn a different way. Life is about process right?.... is this to deep? Unfortunately and fortunately it's what I have to offer. tata

2003-09-09T23:05:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid that I really don't have much to say. But I will try not to let that stop me from writing. I just spent some time reading Joy's birth story and it has left me bothered. Bothered because I don't know what to do with my emotions so i just sort of ignore them. I want to run to her and share her pain yet my own awkwardness with grief and loss prevent me from doing so. I wish I wasn't so weirded out about what to say and just say something. Lately i've been spending so much time thinking that I have a headache everyday. And I never get headaches. Do you ever try to figure out something so intensely your brain hurts?? This is my life but I'm not sure what i"m trying to figure out. Motherhood I guess and who I am now. Maybe moreso what to do with my time. I need to do something other than think though. We don't have a budget for Tylenol Extra Strength at the moment. sigh. this too shall pass. I need to call up Joy and say Hi. good night

2003-09-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

so my first official blog. i don't usually like to use capitals or punctuation. just be warned. it makes it feel more like a regular conversation. yvonne finds it frustrating. yvonne is my computer minded friend who got me started on the whole blogging thing. well it;s not quite a thing yet if i only have one entry. i am notorious for getting kicked out of my email account for not accessing it enough. well this really is an entry about nothing. i'll tell you about myself. i'm 28, almost 29 and i just had my first child. 3 and 3/4 months to be exact. life is so very different i don't know where to start. which is why i must blog. and to all those people who said "babies are soooo easy, you just take them wherever you go, their portable, your life doesn't have to change," bullshit. can i swear on this thing? the harsh realities of the life change are more than i was anticipating. and i keep reminding myself i am more than just this part of my life. but sometimes i don't remember what else there is to my life but this all encompassing childrearing business. anyway, thanks for reading my thoughts. hopefully the profanity will be kept to a minimum but can't promise anything.