Money

Being poor really sucks. And I'm not even really poor.

I am however a bit of a spoiled kid whose always been able to get what I've wanted and never needed to set boundaries I couldn't step over. If I wanted something I could always find a way to make it happen. No matter the extravagance. Fortunate for me I don't have extravagant tastes (are you laughing at me Yvonne?) so it just came out in clothes and travel. (shoes more specifically) Funny how this principle just won't cut it forever. It feels like God's got me with my arm twisted and I have no option but to LEARN how to live within these boundaries. The problem is I don't really even know how to so I don't know how to even try to get started. I bet God does but we're not on speaking terms at this moment. I'm having a temper tantrum soon to be put on the naughty mat for my time out.

So, I feel foolish even asking my three readers how to do this. Erica, Yvonne, Dee... my friends who I have lived alongside with who have lived with quite tight budgets, who I've heard you say "that's not in the budget" before and I just didn't get it. Do you have any suggestions for me? Any computer programs you would suggest that are EASY for computer no-good people like me? What do you do for groceries-shop bi-monthly? Just needing to learn and you guys all seem to know how to do this without complaining all the time (or maybe you just don't complain to me)

I was filling out this form for child care subsidy for Emma's preschool and I was just getting madder and madder. Mad that I needed to fill out this stupid form, mad that it would really be a help to get the money, mad that we even need the money, mad that having twins pretty much makes it impossible for me to work at present, (and all this is God's fault-whose else could it be), mad that God's inviting us into a new venture that is all about his heart and not about living comfortably secure in this lifetime, mad that I feel like such an idiot with my finances, mad that I care so much about having stuff which doesn't equal happiness anyway. Did I mention I am mad?

So, an honest blog. what else could I write?

Is their something in my teeth?

Our lives are getting messy as of late. Not because of the twins but because of the poor. We have some friends in our lives you would call "the poor" who I can't get out of my head when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and whose lives keep intersecting with mine so frequently I can no longer avoid them.

It's their fault Jon has closed down his design company in order to start a landscaping one working with the unemployable in our community. It's their fault I am laid low with mourning at seeing the reality of my own sin. It's their fault I don't like what I see in me. So why don't i just avoid them then?

The other day our friends were over using their pool which just happens to be permanently on our deck. It's too messy to explain. Anyway, we invited them in and some terrible things started happening to me. I saw my heart.

I was repulsed at the physical sight of my friend and was questioning her hygiene. I really didn't want her sitting on our good chairs at the table, they are white upholstery after all. She had something stuck in her teeth that was really grossing me out and I was having a hard time looking at her at all, much less enjoying a drink with her and her husband around our table. I really didn't want to hug her or shake her hand which she was offering to me. And the air was just getting really difficult to breathe. The spiritual air.

I have a picture I can't get out of my mind. It is me kissing my friend with the food stuck in her teeth. Full on mouth to mouth contact. I want to throw up and it gives me the willies.

As I was reflecting on this situation after they left and I could breathe again, God told me that I have stuff stuck in my teeth. Pride, judgment, greed, selfishness, stereoptyping, selfrighteousness, haughtiness, snottiness, yuckiness. And he said that he is repulsed by it too. He said that he sees it and he wants to avoid me but then he sees past it to my heart and he is drawn to me like a lover. He puts his mouth to mine to kiss me and love me and mess himself up with me. He kisses me with all the stuff stuck in my teeth and I don't think of it as gross. I love him for it. I am forever indebted to him for it. In fact it is the thing that makes me lay down my life at his feet and say it is yours, I am yours, I have never experienced love like this before.