Mayhem and Motherhood: October 2005

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Spirituality

I tried this one a few entries back but never got around to saying what I had set out to.

I've been thinking lately about how "unspiritual" I feel my life is. I talk to God in bed all the time and share tons with him but my life seems to be more about little things than big "spiritual ones" I had this above thought until I had an aha moment a few weeks back about how "spiritually"infused all the little stuff really is. And how I think I'm missing out on seeing the spirit at work in life around me and within me because it's not "big" in what i'm used to seeing as "big".

For example, twins is a miraculous event. God is currently as I write forming these two little beings inside me. He doesn't set it on a timer like a bread machine that whirs it for 3 minutes and then kneads for 10 minutes so he can be doing something else. He is actually creating these two inside of me all day long. 9 months long. Creating spirit and features and bones and personalities and forming hair follicles. He says in Psalm139 that he formed me in my mothers womb and this is a hugely "spiritual" thing our society has totally annhilated. We take the spirit out of life, out of milestones, out of growth out of just simply living.

Where did I get the idea that for me to be "spiritual" is for me to be on my face in worship 24 hours a day worshipping along with a band. Why has taking care of my family and nurturing a child never been a spiritual thing for me. Or rather why does no one else talk of how spiritual this really is. I think the simple presence of a childs life screams of the spiritual at work. The miracle that this child once helpless is able to crawl and walk and talk and... milestone after milestone they really are spirit infused miracle after spirit infused miracle.

So I still long for deeper encounters with God where I am in his presence and we are together. And I am wholly undistracted to just be with him. Little kids make that one a challenge during their waking hours. But I am reminded to see all the spiritual stuff at work thru this little miracle and wake up to the real presence of God that is everywhere always wherever you look.

It's kinda like an easter egg hunt though where the "big spiritual" stuff is the easiest to see. It's the big 5 foot round egg in the middle of the floor. You have to be an idiot to miss it. But it doesn't mean that there aren't smaller eggs hiding under pillows and curtains and creative places that we shouldn't search for. Chocolate in a tiny egg still tastes as good as the biggest egg you could find.
Rhonda at 2:19 PM
5 comments

Disappointments

Funny how this should come up after my ever so insightful (being sarcastic) blog about expectations. Here's the abridged story:

We went to Minneapolis for the weekend,me and my hubby totally kid free. How can that not in itself be fabulous? But for all the miriad of reasons and experiences had I return with tears coming to my eyes whenever I think back to this weekend I expected great things from and returned hurt and disappointed by.

So a disappointment it was. My first hint should have been the pressure I was putting on this trip to be fabulous, because it's the last one I was planning to take for a while due to the twins.

I coined it in my head "my last hurrah" and I guess it still was.

Anyway, when I finally got home and was able to pour out my heavy heart to God and cry about my disappointment, he met me. I expected/even wished he would have pointed out all the reasons this disappointment was my fault to begin with and how i shouldn't have done blah blah blah to have accomplished the outcome I wanted. How if I did it over again I could "fix it" and make it perfect. But he didn't.

I just had this picture of him sitting beside me, with me, arm around me saying over and over just how truly sorry he was that I was so hurt and disappointed. What a great God. He is a much better friend and parent than I have been because this helped me much more than the I told you so's and well you shouldn't have's I am used to receiving and dishing out.

Bottom line. Disappointments are painful and are as much a part of life as happy surprises and unexpected gifts. Like winning a car. Like having twins. Some disappointments truly can be avoided and others just are part of living on this planet.

I was so touched that the God I know with all of his wisdom and splendor took the time to sit and hurt with me amid one of life's disappointments.
Rhonda at 2:05 PM
3 comments

Very Pretty

My little girl is growing up and learning how to use her language for more than just "no"s and "why's". The other morning she crawled into bed with me and said "mornin mommy" then she snuggled up to me for a bit and because it was so not"a moment" I don't remember what went on until this

She grasped my face with her two chubby hands, looked me straight in the eye and said "mommy your very pretty" and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was a moment I'll never forget. 9 a.m. doesn't look "pretty" on me so just what does a 2 year old mean by that? But the fact that she wanted to share her opinion that was not "no" and that she saw something beautiful in me made me smile and want to ensure she continues to see pretty things about me.

Isn't that an "aww" moment.
Rhonda at 2:00 PM
6 comments

Thursday, October 20, 2005

LOVE CBC RADIO

Just a quickie, I was listening to this great program on the radio this morning that had a line in it that's been rolling around my head.

I even had to write it down. It was in relation to expectations which made me think of control freakiness.

The comment was "I've never found expectations to be particularly helpful"

For example, I had an expectation that I would die with a full set of 12 fancier cutlery. My freakout came when that expectation wasn't met. I do much better with things if I have no expectation for it. But is that a way to live and is it even healthy? Like a who cares anyway attitude.

But we need to expect things, like god is good and he is strong when we are weak. This is not a scientific plan to avoid pain and feeling out of control but I think their is merit to the statement. Maybe it's putting your hope in things that you totally can count on to not change. Like God and his faithfulness and his promises to never leave us. To love us no matter what. To carry us and give us strength. To make a way where their seems to be no way. Thoughts?
Rhonda at 10:15 PM
6 comments

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Baby update

Had my midwife appointment yesterday. 18 weeks measuring 25 1/2. I feel like i've got this super beer gut. But I'm really enjoying rubbing my belly, I forgot how much you do this as a pregnant lady.

So after all my internal anguish about my stupid ob appointment, i left a message with the secreatary last friday and he called me back the same day. I was not home because doctors usually do not call you back and she didn't let on that this was a possibility. Needless to say I was impressed however still uninformed. So this week i called again and i'm still waiting. But i told my midwife i cried about having to wait and how anxious i was getting about planning for the future and she picked up the phone and just like that they moved up my appointment to novemember 9. I can totally handle that. So situation diffused.

On another note, have any of you ever bought your ultrasound pictures? Just wondering what the cost range was. I thought when I had Emma's ultrasound at ST. B they were wanting 50$ for one little picture. I'm hearing out here they are 15$ Just curious.
Rhonda at 6:05 PM
7 comments

The cutlery story

So dramatic.

So just to fill you in on our marital dispute previously mentioned... Jon had brought our 'fancy' silverware to church as they were doing the message on 'good' things and blah blah blah they were using it. I was working that sunday and so felt our silverware was his responsibility. He had our daughter and brought her back home why would I think otherwise about our silverware? So I digress (i'm going to see if i can use this sentence in every blog entry, keep watching)

Well, a few days later we stop by the church and Jon is picking up the silverware now. It wasn't super expensive I just LIKE IT and it comes in it's own box and everything (um i don't know why it's typing like this...)

So, he's fishing thru the silverware drawers at the church kitchen trying to find forks and we're 3 short and trying not to overreact i just say, o.k. no big deal. He took it, he can be resonsible for tracking all 3 forks down. I say this only to myself of course. So 2 weeks later, we're still 3 forks short and he's talked to so and so but has been meaning to ask her and blah blah blah. (HE says blah blah blah alot.)

So, back to control freaky, 2 weeks still missing trail getting cold. I call so and so and try to track them down. Bottom line is no one has them,no one was responsible for them, no one knew they were special and deserved to go home to their little box world and they are MISSING> I just happened to talk to this final informant 5 minutes after I retrieved my voice message about the doctors appointment.

So understandably, i call jon to bawl him out for ruining our lives and losing our 3 special forks because now we will not have an heirloom to hand down to my kids (like they'll want my old silverware anyway) but it's in its own box.... sorry i digress. :)

So end of story, 2 forks found somewhere in the kitchen after he looked AGAIN, and his response to me was "it's a dessert fork and I never eat dessert, so we'll never need the 12th anyway." the end
Rhonda at 5:51 PM
7 comments

Friday, October 14, 2005

Tomorrow's Another Day

Today was not my most stellar day. It started out alright until I retrieved a phone message i've been waiting for forever. Actually FOREVER. (fingers pounding innocent, defenceless keys)

It was from my midwife (hope she's not reading this) and i've been waiting to hear back about my appointment with my OB guy(he's not the creator of the tampon) which I am literally dying to get to. I have questions no one can answer except him, and papers no one else can sign either thus, i am anxious to see him to ask my stupid questions and have the OB god decide my fate.

My questions are as follows:
1. How long should I be working my ward job (please say I need to stop before christmas) just a little fyi for all my nursey friends out their, it's my christmas to work as i am forever at the bottom of the food chain.

2. Can I get sick benefits before I take my mat leave, and if so please sign the dotted line so i can sign up for them as soon as i stop working (see question 1 for answer)

3. Can I go to mexico over new years being 28 weeks pregnant. My in laws have been planning this trip since last christmas and i specifically (i guess "we") planned on being 6 months pregnant with one to ensure we'd have no problems travelling or with an early delivery.

4. Can we find out the sex of the babies out here in the sticks hospital. If not i'd like to go elsewhere to ensure i can find out so we can prepare as much as possible before and save most of the surprises for life with twins.

Sigh, so i just feel so control freaky today. I'm not good with unknowns unless unknown is the answer. Like when will i die, no answer available therefore unknown is what i'm stuck with. Can I go to mexico, answer available just out of my reach for longer than i can handle. and i don't do well with that. I just do better knowing.

So, my message was that my OB appointment is not until Dec 15, 10 days before I want to work my last shift and 16 days before I am to leave for mexico. Sigh, I know the midwife has alot of other things to worry about besides the details of my life but I shared with her my concerns and she couldn't give me any answers. I just have so much resting on this stupd doctors appointment, albeit, things that really aren't significant in the long run, just in my present mental health state.

So, there. Funny how it's always the things that are unsaid that probably weigh the heaviest and cause the crappiest days for unknown reasons. I even started a fight with my husband over missing silverware after being grouched out with my phone message.

Dee any answers or suggestions for me?

Christa what is your email?(totally unrelated to above rant)

Can tomorrow be a better day instead of just another one?
Rhonda at 12:35 AM
10 comments

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Sweet hearts

So I was driving in my car eating "rockets" They are those little miniature sweet tarts that are pure sugar and dissolve within a minute. All pastel colors. Emma likes them and it has become my special treat/bribe toy. As I was letting them melt away they reminded me of the sweet hearts you can buy at valentines day that has corny thoughts writte across them, like "sweet boy" or "number one" whatever.

But I was transported back to this day in my childhood when my mom ACTUALLY let me purchase candy willingly. We were at the Sears department store, and back then they had a bake shop and this huge candy bin of containers that held captive some uninterested adult for their shift. So I specifically remember having money and waiting in line and getting to the till and being overlooked. I mean I had money, I knew what I wanted and the wicked old wrinkly lady working there wouldn't ask me what I wanted, just looked over my head at whoever was behind me. I remember just being tall enough that my eyes poked over the counter but as I was eating my rockets driving peacefully I got mad. If that lady would have walked across my path at that moment, I honestly may not have slowed down.

I just thought why would someone so easily overlook a child. Especially if you are working at a candy counter. Don't you think they are your main consumer? She totally would have been fired off of Martha Stewart's apprentice for that stunt and maybe that should be enough for me to just let it go. But, I just can't. So I think back to this 5 year old cutie pie with a quarter in her hand wanting just a little taste of paradise(the drama I know) and wish there were more people in the world who stood in awe of the little ones. Just for all of their sincerity and cuteness and unblemished humanity. Kids are amazing little creatures and I need to remember that more often myself. Heaven forbid someone remembers me as the wrinkly old crabby lady that......

Sigh, anyone want a rocket?
Rhonda at 12:55 PM
6 comments

Blog-load

Hello all. I was such a roll with my blogging, i'd blog and then post and then not 5 minutes later I'd have something else on my mind i wanted to write about. Well this week has been pretty busy for me and I guess the correlation was that I was super CRABBY. Hard to blog when your a big grouch. So, today much less crabby but i've been wondering how all are doing. Alas, I digress. (don't you just love that line)

So, um, what was I going to say? OH YEAH> I had this terrific timesaving idea that would be revolutionary for the blogging world. I was driving thinking of all these things I wanted to blog about and just wished my computer was nearby. That I could just speak my thoughts and they would get saved for a later date when I could put them into the computer. But then it hit me, what I need is an automatic download from my brain onto my blog site so i could blog whenever the urge came upon me. Brilliant, however we'd have 16 hours of daily blogging to wade thru, tough to want to read.
Rhonda at 12:54 PM
3 comments

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Winter Driving

So having to have a title for your entries...NO, today I will just trick blogger into thinking this is a thought out rational entry when in fact it's just stuff all mixing together in my brain.

Yesterday I took Emma to Mcdonalds. The story starts out this way... Abbreviated version
we're in walmart
she see's the bright red "M" at the end of the aisle
points and asks for "ph-why's"

(I feel like i'm writing a screen play.)

How does she know big fluorescent M means fries? I don't take her there, really, like maybe every other month.... hmmmm those daddy outings are seeming suspicious

i say, yes that's mcdonalds
she says, e i e i o?
i stop and put it together and say "of course genius!"
sure eieio!

so now, brilliant, she actually has a vocabulary for mcdonalads and every time we go to the co-op for groceries, what's across the street but eieio's. and what does she want "ph-why's and a hm-booger"

so yesterday to celebrate the first snowstorm of the year we went to eieios at lunch,emma screamed when i took her into the windstorm pelting us with icy hard rain. and we ate lunch together. It was like being in love, staring at this person across from you, studying their face and thinking they are the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. I promise she's just as cute as your kid. It was a moment lunch that was well worth the $3.60 spent.

anyway, gotta go. I'll write about my winter driving another time
Rhonda at 8:31 AM
4 comments

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

spirituality

Thanks so much for all the comments. This blogging thing really makes me feel connected to people, to friends. That is a really great feeling.

So I just need to clear up a few blog site etiquette questions. Do I respond to your comments in the comments section or in my next blog, or on your blog site? Not wanting to offend. It's like starting a whole different conversation with the comments or writing about what I want to write about.

That being said I really appreciated the dreams comments. I know toddler hood is so short, but it's a scary thing when you are in it and you no longer have dreams (or just can't think of them past wanting a shower and a clean house) Anyway I have to go, computer virus problems and my husband is here to fix. I will post later.
Rhonda at 9:31 AM
2 comments

Saturday, October 01, 2005

dreams

So i'm just about to blog, feeling all inflated and funny after some encouraging comments and i ask emma, "is your mommy funny"? and she looks at me and without skipping a beat and says NO. I laughed.

o.k. before i get to my "title" thought the grossest thing happened to me yesterday. I sat on one of emma's diapers, the kind that has been on 12 hours and contains 4 glasses of milk from overnight. And this is the kicker, I didn't even realize it until i got up and felt the huge wet spot on my bum. And i look down and thankfully it was on the leather couch,but it squeezed out all this urine when i sat on it. superabsorbent, but also able to wring out and measure? Fascinating discovery for mothers everywhere.

Thank you again for your comments. They make me feel alive and connected.

So making a long story short, motherhood for me has been a difficult adjustment. I've been processing some of my thoughts lately in productive ways that seem to give me insight and this is just a tidbit of where i am at.

Jon asked me if i regretted not following some of my dreams before I had married as now everything is just more complicated. Specifically my dream of being a missionary in africa. Now with twins on the way how do we even comprehend doing this dream at this stage of life. My answer was no regrets because at the time I tried to go and it just wasn't the time for me.

But it got me thinking about my dreams before i was married,before i was anurse, before i even graduated highschool. I wanted to go to bible school and know more about my faith. I wanted to be a missionary in africa. And I wanted to be a mom.

Now when i look backon it it wasn't that i wanted tobe married and have the white picket fence, marriage and my knight in shining armor wasn't part of the dream. I just wanted to have a person to take care of that i could show the world to. I envisioned taking my 7 year old to the ballet, and going to museums, and hiking in the mountains. I dreamt of how i would celebrate puberty with my daughter to make itspecialfor her(sorry stuttering) How i would listen to my kids and their friends and get to know them. these desires definately came from my own longings for my parent to do these things with me, but also from my unique interests and gifts. I am a people person. I find people fascinating and I love talking to them to get to know them. I always said i much preferred people to pets. So maybe i thought of a child in the way someone thinks of having a puppy.

So their i sat and i had this epiphany. I am not a missionary in africa, nor am i great many things i used to be and do before i was a mom but i am living out my dream. It was just a bit of a shock to realize it. I guess i never dreamed of breastfeeding, or even taking care of a toddler, i wasn't so good as a babysitter growing up. But I really clicked with the tweens and was a great camp counsellor for these ages, so motherhood i'm sure will blossom when i get to these ages. Well i can dream anyway.

So I have to say, this isn't at all what i envisioned dreaming of being a mom, but it has been great at some places along the way. And now here comes the twins. Now I dream about having 4 and 7 year olds. 10 and 13 year olds. 16 and 19 year olds. Their is so much about dreams that can't be encompassed in 5 years or less. Some of them will truly take lifetimes to achieve.

Emma has just taken off her diaper. She informs me it is "full". Another 12 hour one. She has refused to put another one on so guess what she's wearing, her teletubby panties. Oh to be so lucky. Until the next epiphany.
Rhonda at 10:08 AM
5 comments