Mayhem and Motherhood: dreams

Saturday, October 01, 2005

dreams

So i'm just about to blog, feeling all inflated and funny after some encouraging comments and i ask emma, "is your mommy funny"? and she looks at me and without skipping a beat and says NO. I laughed.

o.k. before i get to my "title" thought the grossest thing happened to me yesterday. I sat on one of emma's diapers, the kind that has been on 12 hours and contains 4 glasses of milk from overnight. And this is the kicker, I didn't even realize it until i got up and felt the huge wet spot on my bum. And i look down and thankfully it was on the leather couch,but it squeezed out all this urine when i sat on it. superabsorbent, but also able to wring out and measure? Fascinating discovery for mothers everywhere.

Thank you again for your comments. They make me feel alive and connected.

So making a long story short, motherhood for me has been a difficult adjustment. I've been processing some of my thoughts lately in productive ways that seem to give me insight and this is just a tidbit of where i am at.

Jon asked me if i regretted not following some of my dreams before I had married as now everything is just more complicated. Specifically my dream of being a missionary in africa. Now with twins on the way how do we even comprehend doing this dream at this stage of life. My answer was no regrets because at the time I tried to go and it just wasn't the time for me.

But it got me thinking about my dreams before i was married,before i was anurse, before i even graduated highschool. I wanted to go to bible school and know more about my faith. I wanted to be a missionary in africa. And I wanted to be a mom.

Now when i look backon it it wasn't that i wanted tobe married and have the white picket fence, marriage and my knight in shining armor wasn't part of the dream. I just wanted to have a person to take care of that i could show the world to. I envisioned taking my 7 year old to the ballet, and going to museums, and hiking in the mountains. I dreamt of how i would celebrate puberty with my daughter to make itspecialfor her(sorry stuttering) How i would listen to my kids and their friends and get to know them. these desires definately came from my own longings for my parent to do these things with me, but also from my unique interests and gifts. I am a people person. I find people fascinating and I love talking to them to get to know them. I always said i much preferred people to pets. So maybe i thought of a child in the way someone thinks of having a puppy.

So their i sat and i had this epiphany. I am not a missionary in africa, nor am i great many things i used to be and do before i was a mom but i am living out my dream. It was just a bit of a shock to realize it. I guess i never dreamed of breastfeeding, or even taking care of a toddler, i wasn't so good as a babysitter growing up. But I really clicked with the tweens and was a great camp counsellor for these ages, so motherhood i'm sure will blossom when i get to these ages. Well i can dream anyway.

So I have to say, this isn't at all what i envisioned dreaming of being a mom, but it has been great at some places along the way. And now here comes the twins. Now I dream about having 4 and 7 year olds. 10 and 13 year olds. 16 and 19 year olds. Their is so much about dreams that can't be encompassed in 5 years or less. Some of them will truly take lifetimes to achieve.

Emma has just taken off her diaper. She informs me it is "full". Another 12 hour one. She has refused to put another one on so guess what she's wearing, her teletubby panties. Oh to be so lucky. Until the next epiphany.
Rhonda at 10:08 AM

4 Comments:

Blogger Yvonne Parks said...

I wonder. Is marriage what we thought it would be? Is motherhood? Is adulthood?

My goodness...I dreamed of having a gardne. Once I had one I thought "This is waaay more work than I thought...not at all what I imagnined". I remember wanting to be a worshipleader...same story. Wow...it's just not as "glam" as you think it must be. Diapers aren't as 'glam' either.

Perhaps we as humans are just stuck in this idealist headspace. Don't we all dream of having a million dollars? And yet even those millionares aren't happy.

I'm willing to bet that being a missionary in AFrica wouldn't have been as you imagined either. Probebly more insect bits, work hours, and politics than the cuddling of needy children.

That being said....you aren't done with life, Rhonda! Yes...you ddin't go to Africa before kids...but your kids won't always be small! You have alot of life left to go to Africa.

I have a friend who did all the travelling and fun stuff she ever wanted to do...and then had her kids. She had her first at 32. Now she feels old. She feels sad because all her friends are now beginning to live their dreams (they had kids in their 20's) with older children...and she's nursing a baby and feeling like she did it all backwards.

Just a thought. Anyway....if the dream for Africa was God (And no doubt it was) then He ain't finished with you yet.....

This is just a season. THink how fast the last 2 years went with Emma. It will go even faster with the twins. Hard to believe...but true. This is only a moment. There is more Rhonday-living-life on the otherside of toddlerhood

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I did try to call you today, to wish you a Happy Birthday, but alas, you were not home, and instead your frustrated hubby had to deal with all the people calling for you. I told him he should suck it up because you're loved...and you are!!

First time on your blog, and my only question is...are those really your feet?!! I love it!! That's a cool picture!

You're a good writer Rhonda...I enjoy reading your stuff!! Maybe I'll become a blogger someday too!

time for bed...sorry to miss you on your birthday...hope it was a good day!

9:38 PM  
Blogger Deanna Momtchilov said...

Well, all I can say is at least you are dreaming! Right now I feel so caught up in the day to day that dreaming seems like a luxury! Sometimes I too wonder what my life would look like if I'd finished my midwifery training before marriage/family. But although there are times when I wish it were so, I am really happy for where I'm at right now. Okay, so maybe not exactly at this uncomfortable moment of my pregnancy!!! But you get the idea! :)

By the way, it sounds like you should get a Happy Birthday! :)

11:14 PM  
Blogger Erica said...

This little people stage passes soooooo fast. It seems like a flash and its over.

Some people are really GREAT with little people, and babies etc.

I can do it, but I prefer teenagers too! That's why I work with youth, its what I'm passionate about.

So look at this way, you and I can DO the little kids stage and we'll enjoy it while it lasts. Then when everyone is complaining about their teenagers, we'll be loving it!

I think all moms do it different.
Emma is getting the mom God gave her and gets her to have her childhood "Rhonda-style"!!!
Lucky kid!
You do great with her, and you'll be great with the twins too.

10:30 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home