Good Morning!!

wow, i've been awake since 4:30 you'd think I should be grouchier.

Not sure if this is the last stretch for me but I feel GREAT! (say it just like Tony the Tiger does)
Kinda weird but I've just got a lot of energy and feel like going out and chatting and journalling. I haven't felt this good since before I got pregnant. Isn't that weird? Just after you assume it goes from bad to worse it gets great? Maybe babies are on their way.

anyway, not that I'm complaining. Just quite intriguing.

I'm getting geared up to tell "my story" at our "cell" group this week. (note: the people in Altona find it offensive if I call "cell"- "housegroup" thus the quotations :) tee hee

All my middle of the night awakenings these past few weeks have given me lots of time to reflect on my life and contemplate the journey that has brought me to this place I am now living. I am actually quite excited to share about myself and feel like I'm giving an oral presentation for a class by the way I've organized when I'm going to say what and what props I will use etc.

It's kinda nice moving someplace new where no one knows you as "so and so's little sister" or "the brat that used to steal stuff from the 7-eleven" or "the girl who ACTUALLY went out with HIM? gross" I like the idea of telling my own history based on my reality not on anyone else's interpretation of it. However in thinking of "my story" it's kinda weird how the story changes based on where you are along the journey. I would have said very different things 5 years ago as certain experiences seemed to be more significant then. And in 5 years my story may have similar threads woven through it but would be told entirely differently I assume. Isn't that interesting how unstatic even our stories are? I guess maybe until our story ends. Then you just tell it the same way everytime.

What I found interesting is thinking about where my brokeness comes from and the things I've struggled with over the years (and still do) in the context of having a relatively boring, normal, priveliged life. I can't help but think "man how many MORE issues would I have if I had been raped or abused or had divorced parents or lived in poverty or struggled with alcohol" etc.

p.s. I think this is turning into a LONG post, be warned...

I had been thinking about "shame" a few weeks ago and this reality came to me that our pain and brokeness is more common than we think. We are so ashamed of the "act" we use to express this pain and feel so "different" from you because you haven't done the same thing as we have. When if you were to look at our hearts and identify the pain among humanity there really aren't that many to seperate us. Loneliness, Rejection, Fear, Longing for Love, Worthlessness (can't think of more, but i'm sure there are). So our pain may both stem from loneliness but you act it out with drinking and drugs, I act it out with promiscuity, and the guy over there acts it out by amassing as much worth as he can. All embarrassing and "sinful" but not as different as we think.

So I will get off my soap box now...

When I was thinking about summing up "my story" I think it's really the same as your story (if I may be so bold) and the story of all humanity. The bottom line of my story is that there is someone or something that is out to steal kill and destroy me at all costs. It does not give up easily, it's super tricky, it uses ANYTHING in my life to it's advantage and it's impossible to fly under it's radar, not to mention it totally LIES and plays mind games with you. Like a really complicated girlfriend! The rest of my story goes to say that there is also someone who is for me at all costs, that will give up anything for my freedom and longs to bring truth to set me free from it all. This is the coles notes version !

Would you add anything else?

I love my kid

I'm just emailing and surfing while emma is on the couch behind me talking away to the t.v. or singing along whatever comes to mind. and I smile and think "what a great kid." I really enjoy her as a little person and I'm not sure if it's because she is MY KID or because she JUST IS a great kid or because I just happen to know her more than any other kid and all this fascinating behavior just makes her great. Not sure.

But it got me thinking that I don't like everybody. funny enough, just a few people have I come across in my life that it's been hard to like or tolerate or even empathize with. At the moment Jon has a friend who is this person to me. And it really bugs me that I have such a hard time tolerating him or even enjoying his company. I'm not sure if it's a personality thing and we're just different or if it's that I can't connect with him like I usually can with others and it frustrates me that he won't let me into his life, or that he possibly isn't self aware enough to know the answers to the questions i ask. whatever it is, I feel bad that it is this way.

And this thought got me thinking (not worrying) about having a child who was potentially more difficult for me to enjoy than the others. I'm sure over the span of their teenage and young adult years each of my kids will fall into this category, the "GRIT AND BEAR IT LOVE" . is that really a kind of love though? Every possible answer I have is just followed by another question.

But my challenge with this guy is I've been thinking of talking to him about it. I'm sure he picks up on it when i'm around, and it's not like he's ever done anything specific that i'm holding against him. I don't know how else to let him know I'd like to like him and there's something that makes it quite difficult for me. Interestingly enough I think this guy maybe gets this alot. He's a little socially awkward, and I don't know if he's ever found his niche.

But do I really have the guts to be honest with him? I totally risk hurting his feelings (which I value way too much) but there is no relationship really to be damaged so I guess I don't have alot to lose. So now I wait for the guts and the opportunity.

It is finished

The chicken pox that is. Last night, first in a week, emma actually slept thru almost 10 hours. I was reading Erica's blog as her oldest has them as well. They've counted 183 pox, emma barely has 30 alone on her back and maybe another 30 over the rest of her body.

I feel like we got off fairly easy. I'm sure it's "bad" enough though to have given her immunity because she looks like she's caught some sort of skin cancer. Poor thing. Thank goodness for "finding nemo" he saved my bacon this weekend as she watched all 1 hour 15 minutes of it at least 6 times!!!

What did sick kids do before t.v.? have their grandparents read them a story I guess like in Princess Bride!!

Chickenpox

No not me, little Emma. Day 3 has come and gone and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. She has been really good considering but now she's getting itchier. Hopefully only 2 more days to go!! And thankfully my in-laws are here tomorrow and we're in the city Tuesday for our fetal assessment so my mom will be helping out. All in all not bad timing.

What's been funny is that she's now on the same sleep schedule as me. I'll be wide awake in bed after my 3 hours and voila who appears at my bedside but my little peanut asking me to put some cream on her back. She woke up at midnight and stayed up till 4 a.m. today just playing with me and "watching videos".

I don't know what it is about this little girl but I just love her to pieces. Again, good space to be in to head into more kids. She now starts most every sentence with "EE-cause" or "WELLLL" which I find so endearing. And yesterday when I was on the "potty" and had finished peeing she looked at me and said enthusiastically "GOOD JOB"!! Guess she must hear that somewhere? I love that you don't realize what you are saying repeatedly until they start repeating it to you.

And it makes me thankful that she's not telling me to have a time out or to leave her alone or even to shut up. Makes me think of the toddlers I've run into in the past who swear a blue streak. Tough environment to grow up in I guess.

Well I'm hopefully off to bed now. Wish I had more "exciting" things to tell you.

Updates

Thanks for your ever so sensitive comments. I really appreciated the encouragement and permission they gave me.

Feeling still out of sorts but I'm thinking that's probably my body's way of preparing for what's ahead. I do this sort of turtle thing where I'm either enjoying being around people or I'm not. My head is either out of my shell or in it. No in between. I really admire people who seem more even keeled in this arena because it seems to me it would be the "healthier" option.

Sigh. Well I've got lots of years to work on that i guess. So, just to let you know if my "aloofness" or not returning calls or pushing you away is obvious, it's just me turtling. Needing my space. Filling up with silence and introverted activities. Any of you relate to this at all?

On to updates...

Jon has found the missing library book. In a very obvious place of course. Emma's bookshelf in her room. The only thing is the spine was in so when you did a quick glance for a fluorescent green book your eye didn't catch the pages. Anyway, thank the lord it's found. And I must say I'm proud of her for putting it in such a logical place. Now if she only hadn't inherited my 2 second memory we may have found it alot earlier!

I have been feeling much more comfortable this past week than when I had been complaining to Deanna last week. I went for a massage and a chiropractor adjustment and just sat on a heating pad for a whole evening, along with like 6 baths in 2 days. All seemed to help the old lady achy body feeling. I'm noticing though it seems to be related to how much time I spend sitting, because I guess with the pressure of 50 extra pounds on my pelvis and hips, not so easy for the body to get used to. Isn't that amazing? That like I put the majority of that on in like 4 1/2 months! Maybe weight watchers should have a points system for pregnant people heh Yvonne!

Also my sleep has been a bit more consistent in that i'm actually sleeping at night time as opposed to being wide awake for 3 hours.

So I'm feeling more optimisitc about this final stretch.

I've washed a bunch of baby clothes and flannel blankets and the smallest socks you've ever seen. It's too wild to imagine we'll have babies soon. The good news is I am actually smiling whenI see little ones and that makes me excited to see my own.

What a wild stage we are about to encounter. I honestly just can't comprehend what lies ahead.

Untitled

That is because i don't know what to call this blog entry. Today I had a few things that just put me over the edge. One was a phone call from a well meaning friend who through asking all her "helpful" questions on how I was preparing for the babies left me feeling quite anxious, defeated and unprepared. I actually hung up the phone and started crying. I guess just deep set emotions that haven't found a voice as of yet.

And what I realized is that I feel quite alone on this journey. I feel like I'm the only one who believes I can do this. That I think we'll survive this but everyone is pretty skeptical. So if you're interested in what I need to hear, at the moment it's not what other people in my situation did, it's in fact just a voice to say "you totally can do this" and "god will not abandon you" and even a "I believe in you".

Pregnant people are fragile beings. I forget this myself having been on both sides of things.

So if any are interested just exactly what my plan is to get through the next ___ however long it takes until we're through, this is all I have for a plan...

1. Believe God has got my back
2. Take it one day at a time
3. Ask for help when I feel I need it
4. Enjoy every moment I possibly can
5. Take care of myself by not talking on the phone to people who stress me out.
6. Stay close to home unless I feel otherwise
7. Roll with the punches and allow myself to change ANYTHING I WANT OR SAID I"D DO
8. Eat fast food as required
9. Watch lots of t.v while breastfeeding
10. Wear my pajamas for days on end :)

The other stuff is just truly out of my control.

However I don't know how to talk to my friend about the "thing" she set off in me. My nature is to just avoid talking to her about this stuff and probably avoid questions about this matter in the future. Please post comment about how to handle this (if any insight strikes you)

Hide and Seek

So just a quick question, if you were a 2 year old where would you hide a 300 page book?

Emma was playing with it the other day in the kitchen and I thought "what harm can she do with a book". Until now, it's from the library and due at the end of the week and we've absolutely searched everywhere waist down to see where she stashed it. It really is funny but I have no clue. Every morning I ask her where she put it and she has no idea.

Any great hiding places your kids have used?

I'm up still having just played 3 games of Settlers of Catan. That game rocks. Anyway, goodnight.

Triggers

God has been talking to me lately about triggers. Specifically why I react in certain ways towards some people that I wish I could control better.

This analogy came to me today which really helped me understand my reactions. The picture was a poisonous arrow that was lodged in my foot. It healed over so that I wasn't as aware of it and went on with my life limping and in pain. I just got used to it so much so that I wasn't even aware of it anymore. Then someone came along and ripped off the scab bringing back all that pain and I blame them thinking it's their fault that my foot hurts, forgetting that the poisonous arrow has been there for years and has been hurting me for just as long. Just not in the acute stage (get the nurse lingo) My reaction to the current event is totally linked to the poisonous arrow that is still lodged in my foot, conveniently forgotten about.

So this is the picture of how my triggers are "triggered" (for lack of a better word)

It's funny because I've been asking God to help me understand why I've reacted certain ways so automatically to situations that logically can be understood but still seem to hurt my heart. I'm amazed at what he's showing me. The light that he is shining on the dark forgotten areas.

I'm coming to really believe that forgetting is not the cure. Confronting is not even the cure. Neither is ignoring, rationalizing or logically understanding the meaning of the initial wound. The cure is removing the arrow that was lodged initially so it can no longer initiate those automatic responses when triggered. Kinda like being a slave to the cycle. Without addressing the wound I am somewhat powerless to act differently and react from my pain.

Someone this week told me that the intensity of a person's reaction to a "situation" has more to do with this person's issues and triggers than it does to the rightness or wrongness of the situation.

Have you ever snapped at someone and didn't get why them? Has someone just irritated you to no end no matter how deep you tried to go to find some love in your heart? Trigger, your arrow.

This feels so philisophical but in my head and in my heart it's becoming freedom from lies and arrows that i didn't even know i've been walking around with.

So the journey continues....

Good Morning

Hi all. I'm back from my lovely week vacation in the tropical paradise of Winnipeg.

I actually don't even know the date today, but that's o.k. not a bad sign post vacation.

Jon and Emma came home yesterday from a fun filled week with Jon's family in Mexico. He has a great tan which makes me only slightly jealous and he had some good bonding time with emma. She hasn't felt the need to "punish" me yet for not being there all week. Last evening after she had been playing all day with her toys and us she told Jon "I want to go back to the hotel"! What a hoot!!

All is well baby wise. I am beginning to feel achy in my joints especially my hips. And my indigestion is enough to almost make me feel done cooking these two little ones. But the countdown is on... 7 more weeks till "term". The question in the back of my mind is "how much longer can I really do this". The pretending to be "normal" but taking it easy. I've stopped picking up things off the floor to conserve energy-however this is not conducive to toddler hood. Lately a "good sleep" is about 4-5 hours straight. I feel like I just nap continuously. But I guess bottom line is that God knows and I don't and i'm totally willing to trust him.

I was just looking up meanings of names and got a laugh out of a few of them. One of them meant "great chief" but I saw "great CHEF" and it caught my eye as I thought, "yeah, I could really use one of those in my family". Is it wrong to name your child in hopes of having someone take on the cooking? What about as a middle name, like an add on to something much more meaningful. Thankfully for the kid I didn't like the name.

I came across the name "Skeeter" with a definition of "an active or small person/someone who skeets (scoots). what exactly is "skeets" anyway?

We've excluded a name we really liked (can't remember it though) that meant "seductive temptress". Why would you even take the chance and name your kid something that risque'? But it makes me wonder just how much the name shapes your child, do we really have that much power to decide what this person will be? I've seen enough proof to know that their is something to it though. I can't think of anyone whose name meaning wasn't who this person was. Anyway, getting close to being ready in all sorts of ways.