My monster
Among other things this last month has been emotionally exhausting. What I've been learning about myself is that when i am "low" I have certain monsters that show themselves. One I've been spending alot of time with lately has been jealousy. A close second to this has been judgment. What yucky yucky things to waste my time on and yet it is so habitual I've been struggling with how to get out of the web i'm stuck in.
What i've also been noticing is how I distance myself and judge those i'm jealous of. curious.
Being the one voted "least likely to survive stay at home mom status" in highschool I have many many friends that i compare myself to and thus get jealous about thus distancing myself from and judging all to appease my pain. I was praying about it the other day and I got this funky little life cycle diagram in my head that i will share with you.
JUDGMENT
JEALOUSY
GUILT AT MY SIN
COMPARISON TO EASE
MY PAIN
Now i'm not sure if you can just jump into it at any place of the cycle or if it can go both forwards and backwards but considering that sin is sly and i get caught up in it before i even realize it I bet it'll do anything to get me sucked in.
What struck me about it was that my judgment of others was so clearly linked with my own insecurities/inadequacies and fears that underly my jealousy. And also how I HATE seeing myself judging others and to ease the pain of my shame and awareness of my own sin I just compare myself to someone else to ensure I'm not as bad as I initially thought. Phew, someone whose worse than me, i'm not as rotten as I thought.
The two verses that came to mind that if I lived out of them would just erradicate this cycle were
"I am the vine and you are the branches, apart from me you can do nothing"
"I only do what it is the father tells me to do"
Now if I believe that I'm living out what the father is asking me to do and it looks different than what you are doing why should I judge you or be jealous of you. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what the father is asking. And it is possible you are exactly where you are in his presence doing excatly what the father is asking you to do even though it looks different. To be anywhere else is meaningless. Unfortunately we always see the disappointing things about our life and compare them to the fabulous things in others. Not fair anyway, but what should it matter if I'm just being faithful to what it is God has called me to do. And if I'm not constantly ensuring that i am in the vine, the things that I am doing are only because I am in him. So seeing someone doing something different than me is o.k. because what's most important is not that we're the same but that we are sure we are living out of his presence and following what he is leading us into. it was very clear in my head and apparently not as easy to explain with my fingers.
So, I hope exposing my own shameful ways will allow God's light to come into dark places and extinguish the darkness. I don't want my jealousy and judgment to be the thing that keeps me from you. Nothing about the kingdom of God is about division, it's about multiplication.
What i've also been noticing is how I distance myself and judge those i'm jealous of. curious.
Being the one voted "least likely to survive stay at home mom status" in highschool I have many many friends that i compare myself to and thus get jealous about thus distancing myself from and judging all to appease my pain. I was praying about it the other day and I got this funky little life cycle diagram in my head that i will share with you.
JUDGMENT
JEALOUSY
GUILT AT MY SIN
COMPARISON TO EASE
MY PAIN
Now i'm not sure if you can just jump into it at any place of the cycle or if it can go both forwards and backwards but considering that sin is sly and i get caught up in it before i even realize it I bet it'll do anything to get me sucked in.
What struck me about it was that my judgment of others was so clearly linked with my own insecurities/inadequacies and fears that underly my jealousy. And also how I HATE seeing myself judging others and to ease the pain of my shame and awareness of my own sin I just compare myself to someone else to ensure I'm not as bad as I initially thought. Phew, someone whose worse than me, i'm not as rotten as I thought.
The two verses that came to mind that if I lived out of them would just erradicate this cycle were
"I am the vine and you are the branches, apart from me you can do nothing"
"I only do what it is the father tells me to do"
Now if I believe that I'm living out what the father is asking me to do and it looks different than what you are doing why should I judge you or be jealous of you. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what the father is asking. And it is possible you are exactly where you are in his presence doing excatly what the father is asking you to do even though it looks different. To be anywhere else is meaningless. Unfortunately we always see the disappointing things about our life and compare them to the fabulous things in others. Not fair anyway, but what should it matter if I'm just being faithful to what it is God has called me to do. And if I'm not constantly ensuring that i am in the vine, the things that I am doing are only because I am in him. So seeing someone doing something different than me is o.k. because what's most important is not that we're the same but that we are sure we are living out of his presence and following what he is leading us into. it was very clear in my head and apparently not as easy to explain with my fingers.
So, I hope exposing my own shameful ways will allow God's light to come into dark places and extinguish the darkness. I don't want my jealousy and judgment to be the thing that keeps me from you. Nothing about the kingdom of God is about division, it's about multiplication.
3 Comments:
Beautiful Post. But now I'm dying to know just WHO you've been jealous of! Haha. Whoever they are...let me just say...that they can't hold a candle to YOU!!! You are an amazing woman....truly my hero!!! I admire you so much...and your wisdom is something I value SO much at this time'in my life. Thank you for that.....
Love
Yvonne
I noticed this trend in my own life too...under fatigue/stress etc. I realized I could do and say things that weren't exactly "godly". In fact, they were downright mean.
I shared this with my mom, and she said, "When the water is low, the rocks will show."
She meant that when my needs aren't being met, when I haven't been in God's presence, and been filled up...the darker me is unleashed.
I wanted to slap her when she said that. You may want to slap me now for repeating it.
But bare with me.
Oh wait, I re-read what I wrote to be sure it made sense and now I've lost my point.
Oh yes. Now I remember.
You're right about us being imperfect, and when we realize that, its how we respond to being faced with our shortcomings that matter more than the shortcoming themselves. We can get angry or jealous or judgmental when we see our naughtiness or we can let Him in to it. "Alright, expose me even further! This is some ugliness I see in me, and I need to deal with it!"
Sorry.
Now I'm just blabbering on and repeating what you already said.
I'll just say, Good post Rhonda.
I agree.
And leave it at that.
Rhonda (and Erica) it's encouraging to hear that others struggle like me! Feeling pretty 'ugly' these days.
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