Weekly Post

O.k. So I think the best I might get is a weekly update. But at least I"m trying. So, motherhood as of late doesn't seem to have as much mayhem in it. I was just thinking that as I was logging into my site.

I've really been enjoying my peanut the last couple days and getting so much joy out of every little smile and all of her advances. She really is a terrific little kid. I am a really lucky girl to have her in my life.

I already thank her for coming into my life. I hope to do this the rest of her life so she always knows she is special and cared for and loved. This is because I'm such a touchy feeler kinda person. I have the need to express what I feel to the people I love. Still working on expressing the "unmentionable" emotions because they are not nice.

A friend of mine was sharing a message she heard at her church about the verse "I wish you were either hot or cold. If you are lukewarm I will spit you out of my mouth" Rhonda's translation. And she was thinking to herself what does lukewarm look like to me and she realized it was niceness. Don't you think that's profound. Being "nice" is not offending, not being honest, not being sincere, not disagreeing. It's just "nice".

tonight I am tired. it's been a busy day. too busy to use capitals anymore. had my journalling class today. it was pretty fun. my favorite part was the painting like we were in grade one. i really wished i had a smock and an easel like we did back then.

i think they should start kindergarden classes for adults. to learn how to play again. maybe that's what parenthood is. an all day, all week, all night class on being a kid and playing through life. i really hope i'm a good mom. i want my kid to be able to talk to me and tell me what's going on inside of her. i'm sure it'll break my heart when she tells me to mind my own business, or puts a "do not enter" sign on her door and keeps it closed all the time. But i'm so sure it doesn't have to be like this or even may never be like this. i just hope it doesn't. i hope our stages are worked through with communication.

we went to a cottage for a night this week. it had a hot tub on the patio outside. it was divine running out into the cold air at night and getting warmed by the bubbling water. the best is when you get so hot that it's actually refreshing to be out of the water in the cool air. funny thing. i have a sore throat at the moment that's been really bugging me. probably got it from that relaxing time cooling off in the midnight air. why do all the fun things in life have to have consequences. like sex. you get babies. not that their bad but it's a heavier responsibility. like chocolate you can get thicker thighs. can you think of anything fun that doesn't have a heavier consequence. maybe that's what makes them fun is the risk involved. maybe not. till next week.

Keeping Up

Aaagh, so good to see I'm keeping up with an almost weekly update. Happy Thanksgiving all. Anyone else have ham or chinese food for the big meal??

We've had family in from the west coast this weekend. A wedding, a 40th anniversary, an orgranized family photo shoot with all the nieces and nephews and of course thanksgiving dinner with a marshmallow roast. Just a little busy.

Wonderful weekend when all is said and done. Don't know if anyone else feels like this but my 2 brothers live out in B.C. and we see each other maybe once a year if we're lucky. When we first start hanging out it feels so awkward, like trying to make polite conversation with the stranger next to you on a long bus ride. But by the end of the weekend, it feels just like home. Funny how that is.

One of my brothers brought his 8 year old daughter and 4 year old son. The boy is a hoot. He's addicted to video games, so much so that he was playing them out into the parking lot after dinner last eve and yelled at my dad when he walked by "hey, get out of my light!!" as it threw off his game. Too cute. He's such a little snuggler too. He was giving me a big hug today, resting his head on my shoulder and he says to me with his lisp, "Auntie Rhonda, you can tell me anything and I'll listen". Just makes you want to kiss him. He also knows all the words to the spider man theme song and has nicknamed my brother, his play arch enemy "the gob" for the green goblin.

I so enjoy this age of kids. Yet I'm sure when I'm there it may not be so fun if I'm the one constantly saying "listen to me" or "get down from there" or "did you pee your pants again?" The 8 year old really likes me which is neat. She's asking to sit beside me at dinner and wants to hold Emma and play with her. I've already asked her to come out and be my babysitter when she's older. I only have nephews close by so it was a really nice treat to see how a niece interacts with me. Anyway, this was my long weekend.

Creative Journalling

This evening I started my "creative journalling" class. To which my mother said "what on earth does that mean?" Good question. But anyway it was really good. I've sat in on some of Kim's journalling workshops before and thoroughly enjoyed the creativity that was encouraged out of my innards. And that's why I signed up, to have a place to allow myself to express the creativity that most often gets stuck.

It was really fun. Larry Reimer was there with his curly curls and his giggle. It made it that much more fun to be around friends.

I came home and feel so alive. So able to laugh. And dream. And write. What I found the most challenging was thinking up 10 different things that I found beautiful. Besides friends and family etc etc. Try it, it's hard to find beauty in things unless your used to doing it. This is my hope, that I can learn to start looking for these daily to add to my list.

Most importantly I feel like I met with me. I don't think I've seen her much lately, she's been too busy and overwhelmed with the kid and the housekeeping and ensuring groceries are in the house. All that menial stuff. It was good to just spend time with me, no distractions.

Happy Birthday, me!

So it was my birthday on Friday and I turned 29. It was a bit of a let down and it's not for others lack of trying. I think it's because this year 29 feels alot older than 28. Not just one year older but like a whole decade older. I can no longer deny the fact that I am pushing 30 even though I still feel like I just graduated from university. I can talk to people who just graduated from highschool and feel just a wee bit older. Like a big sister. But being almost 30 widens the gap and makes me feel like their mom.

Age is a funny thing. But I'm not sure why it's funny. :)

Stages

So I was talking to my brother in law yesterday about kids. I had said "I'm looking forward to her being out of this stage" and he said to me "Yeah but then they just grow into a different one. As they get older their problems may be fewer but they become bigger". I thought what a truth. My infant isn't dealing with peer pressure and "saying no to drugs". Nor temptations to mess around with her boyfriend in the back of OUR car!!! This is why she will not be allowed to drive, ever.

And then it dawned on me that this is how I often view my most recent challenge in my own life. With disdain that their is still ANOTHER thing to deal with and work through. I've just turned 29 shouldn't that be old enough to have learnt something by now? What my little one is showing me and teaching me is that life is never absent from a bit of complication. A bit of excitement and adventure, it's just how you look at it.

And for as long as we grow together there will be "something" for both of us to work through in our growth as individuals. Currently it's Emma learning to sleep through the night and allow a babysitter to spend time with her. And for me it's learning that it's not bad to be needed and I am the exact mom my little girl needs.

Coffee

So life is looking up. I went for coffee with another new mom today and we went for a walk through assiniboine park. It was lovely. This is my new favorite word. I will try not to overuse it. I'm really getting so much life from going for walks with the stroller (and the kid). It's kind of like my new favorite thing to do. I wake up in the morning and look outside. If it's cloudy I think "shoot, it'll probably be too cold for a walk" and if it's gorgeous I say "YEAH, what a great day for a walk!!"

In re-reading this it makes me feel like my life is quite simple. And that's not a bad thing even though something in me gets up wanting to defend it. but defend what? The fact that life with a kid is a bit slower than I'm used to? What's to defend? I guess the fact that I'm actually admitting to the world that I'm not super mom and my life is alot different than I pictured it to be as a mom.

Anyway, I'm not sure what it is but if you want to have an encounter with me we need to go for a walk. Hopefully on a nice day or all we'll do is complain about the weather and talk about how much further it is till we get to a warm place. I'm seriously thinking about taking up mall walking in the winter because I'm not sure what to replace with my need to be moving and socializing. But I love the breeze on my face. And the smell of outside air. And the beauty of the world up close. I forgot to mention I usually don't enjoy the walks by myself. To be life giving it must be with another person who wants to walk and talk. Maybe we'll have a warm winter and that will solve my problem.

Does anyone else think of people over the age of 80 as the only people "mall walking"? Anyway, don't tell anyone I think mall walking would be lovely in the winter. Doesn't saying "lovely" make you feel nice???

OH My Gosh... I can't believe it's been a whole week since my last blog. And that long since I've read anyone else's. Man, life just flies by way too fast sometimes. And then I think "what do I have to show for this past week". I'm not sure what I think, maybe that each week I should have discovered a new cure for a deadly disease, or learned something of significance, or even impacted someone's life and drastically changed it... FOREVER. Talk about Drama heh. Anyway, let's see, a whole week in review. Lots of running around doing things I didnt' wish I had to do. Sleeping a day away while my mom watched my Emma. Shaving my legs (highlight of my day yesterday :). And learning how to give my little one pablum to tide her over through the long nights. It's been working and I've thankfully been getting a bit more sleep.

I'm sad I missed out on the women's retreat but I know I didn't have the emotional energy to engage in any of it. I'm so encouraged to hear how the worship times were.

Anyway, back to me, what if we changed our expectations to more childlike ones. We could make ourselves calendars and put stars on them for all the little things we do that compose our week. like brushing our teeth and showering, how about putting on deodarant. You could even give yourself a star for changing into clean underwear. Whatever it takes to get yourself as many stars as possible. Because really we do soooo much in a week. Especially as mothers, you attempt to take care of yourself, your home, your husband, your children and then your relationships etc etc etc. It may not be earthshattering but so much is lived in all of these little encounters. Like crouching down and staring into the face of your child for a few minutes just watching in awe. That should be worth 3 stars because I think that should hold more value than lets say paying a bill or making vegetables for dinner. And how about talking to your parents and realizing yet another reason you are thankful they are still around for your life. That should be worth a few stars as well.

In saying that I have to tell you that I love my parents. This weekend my husband was gone for the weekend and I felt really lonely. So not only did I call my parents to see if I could come and "impose" on them by staying for the weekend but they actually had to come and pick me up and bring all the baby toys along. And my mom just kept saying over and over "it's all right, that's what we're here for." I hope that's what kind of a parent I can be. Always loving and giving of myself even when it's not convenient. So for my kids that I'd do anything to help them out. I can only pray God will show me how to grow into that mother. Anyway, I will try to write more consistently. Thank you to my 2 readers for being faithful!! haha