Is their something in my teeth?
Our lives are getting messy as of late. Not because of the twins but because of the poor. We have some friends in our lives you would call "the poor" who I can't get out of my head when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and whose lives keep intersecting with mine so frequently I can no longer avoid them.
It's their fault Jon has closed down his design company in order to start a landscaping one working with the unemployable in our community. It's their fault I am laid low with mourning at seeing the reality of my own sin. It's their fault I don't like what I see in me. So why don't i just avoid them then?
The other day our friends were over using their pool which just happens to be permanently on our deck. It's too messy to explain. Anyway, we invited them in and some terrible things started happening to me. I saw my heart.
I was repulsed at the physical sight of my friend and was questioning her hygiene. I really didn't want her sitting on our good chairs at the table, they are white upholstery after all. She had something stuck in her teeth that was really grossing me out and I was having a hard time looking at her at all, much less enjoying a drink with her and her husband around our table. I really didn't want to hug her or shake her hand which she was offering to me. And the air was just getting really difficult to breathe. The spiritual air.
I have a picture I can't get out of my mind. It is me kissing my friend with the food stuck in her teeth. Full on mouth to mouth contact. I want to throw up and it gives me the willies.
As I was reflecting on this situation after they left and I could breathe again, God told me that I have stuff stuck in my teeth. Pride, judgment, greed, selfishness, stereoptyping, selfrighteousness, haughtiness, snottiness, yuckiness. And he said that he is repulsed by it too. He said that he sees it and he wants to avoid me but then he sees past it to my heart and he is drawn to me like a lover. He puts his mouth to mine to kiss me and love me and mess himself up with me. He kisses me with all the stuff stuck in my teeth and I don't think of it as gross. I love him for it. I am forever indebted to him for it. In fact it is the thing that makes me lay down my life at his feet and say it is yours, I am yours, I have never experienced love like this before.
It's their fault Jon has closed down his design company in order to start a landscaping one working with the unemployable in our community. It's their fault I am laid low with mourning at seeing the reality of my own sin. It's their fault I don't like what I see in me. So why don't i just avoid them then?
The other day our friends were over using their pool which just happens to be permanently on our deck. It's too messy to explain. Anyway, we invited them in and some terrible things started happening to me. I saw my heart.
I was repulsed at the physical sight of my friend and was questioning her hygiene. I really didn't want her sitting on our good chairs at the table, they are white upholstery after all. She had something stuck in her teeth that was really grossing me out and I was having a hard time looking at her at all, much less enjoying a drink with her and her husband around our table. I really didn't want to hug her or shake her hand which she was offering to me. And the air was just getting really difficult to breathe. The spiritual air.
I have a picture I can't get out of my mind. It is me kissing my friend with the food stuck in her teeth. Full on mouth to mouth contact. I want to throw up and it gives me the willies.
As I was reflecting on this situation after they left and I could breathe again, God told me that I have stuff stuck in my teeth. Pride, judgment, greed, selfishness, stereoptyping, selfrighteousness, haughtiness, snottiness, yuckiness. And he said that he is repulsed by it too. He said that he sees it and he wants to avoid me but then he sees past it to my heart and he is drawn to me like a lover. He puts his mouth to mine to kiss me and love me and mess himself up with me. He kisses me with all the stuff stuck in my teeth and I don't think of it as gross. I love him for it. I am forever indebted to him for it. In fact it is the thing that makes me lay down my life at his feet and say it is yours, I am yours, I have never experienced love like this before.
4 Comments:
Whoa. I don't know what else to say. Your journey challenges me to the core - I like it. Not that I don't have any of my own challenges...but what's a few more! :)
Maybe someday Jon and Deyan can work together on a design/justice project.
Miss you guys - hope we can connect soon!
It's your fault that I'm weeping after reading this.
You amaze me and teach me at our every encounter
That post filled up my heart and spilled out through my eyes.
Another reminder that Jesus' love for us is really miraculous.
And powerful.
Hi Rhonda,
This is the one I said I could relate to....anyway....I thought I would let you know that by leaving my comment...cause now you have a more recent blog entry...I wanted you to know I related to this one.
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