Mayhem and Motherhood: September 2003

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

So, I understand that I really don't have monkeypox. And my chances are pretty limited unless I happen to come in contact with an infected prarie dog. As well, it is not quite fatal but distressing to have.

Today life seems very slow. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm very excited for Yvonne and Aila, I just wish I was there enjoying it with them. What I mean by slow is that it takes forever to get something done. Even the essentials. Do you know I haven't had a shower or even brushed my teeth yet, and it's almost 7 p.m.?? Does this mean you won't talk to me at church knowing this?? I promise I usually do both everyday, but i said it was too slow.

I was driving around my husband and his buddy this morning and then visiting my parents and by the time I got home at 2 p.m. I needed a nap. It really amazes me how little I can do in a day even though I've lived and breathed every second.

My mind seems slow today as well. Maybe this is what a rest day is for. For everything to slow down and the pace of life to slow down and life to just be breathed in.

And my last thought, I really don't like that on my comments section it starts by saying "entertain me". I read it every time and think ? who wrote that? who wants me to be more entertaining? Isn't that a lot of pressure to put on someone? then I realize, oh it always says that. Anyway, I guess lately I'm blogging as a way of communicating with the outside world and not always is it entertaining.

I've been craving baked potatoes like nobody's business. Anyone with me?? It's seriously all I'm going to have for supper. yum yum.
Rhonda at 6:41 PM

Monday, September 22, 2003

Thank you for the comments everyone. It's really great to know people actually care about my sillly thoughts.

So, I was so exhausted after this weekend I went to bed at 9 p.m. Lucky for me, so did my daughter and she woke up next at 2 a.m. Non parents will be horrified, seasoned parents will say a prayer of thanks that they are no longer here, and I, well I am rested enough after 5 consecutive hours to not be able to go right back to sleep.

So, I heard a word yesterday that I haven't heard for a while and I love it because it makes me giggle. It's "monkeypox". I think we first heard it on the news and me and Jon howled. Now I'm sure it's a terrible disease to have, even lethal, possibly. I really don't know. I can't even write the word without laughing.

O.k. but here's what I was going to say. If I could choose what I would die from it would be monkeypox. I just think that's a way to go, out with a bang. Anyone with me?

Another aside, (don't know what that means, just like how it sounds) we have Pepsi in the fridge because it was on sale. I needing something to wet my whistle (yes at 2 a.m.) and wisely chose "pop". Pepsi is gross. Maybe it's the combination of not brushing my teeth before bed and carbonated sweetness, but my mouth gets the "no" feeling from Pepsi. Yet strangely enough, I finish the glass.

And my last thought for the day (or night).... Lately I'm realizing that I'm really tired. This not sleeping full nights is really catching up to me and making me a bit of a crazy woman. We prostrate ourselves crying out to God for many things, things we think will make our lives better and possibly easier. Healing of relationships, direction for our life, healing for inner emotions, money for things we think we need but can live without (even though it makes it a hardship). But here's my point, why don't we ever cry out for something basic like sleep. It is a necessity. WE can't LIVE without it. Really. Like air. We need it to survive. And yet if we are tired we just sleep. Possibly pray that our minds would quiet so we could sleep but we act on this need. I'm wondering if often I use prayer as an exscuse not to do anything about the problem or issue because I don't want to do the wrong thing. So I do nothing and hope God will solve the problem for me. But maybe I should do what I feel is right off the bat and pray as I move in that direction.

I know that there are things we pray for that we are powerless to change. And remember it is almost 3 a.m. I think that is a valid excuse to not make perfect sense. So, i need to think about this some more... have a great day all
Rhonda at 2:46 AM

Thursday, September 18, 2003

So, from what I understand I have a "comments" section. Unfortunately I can't figure out where it is.... Does this mean I am totally dependent on Yvonne to read me my blog comments over the phone!!! haha. So I have many thoughts today.

First I was surprised that anyone was checking out my sight. How does anyone know about it?? And why are you reading about my life?? Love to know. Kinda makes it scary to realize that this just isn't going into no man's land for a few close friends but to who knows who.

Secondly, I saw an add that totally made me groan and then I saw the tv commercial. It was regarding Pepsi Vanilla. Now, the thing that makes me mad is that Pepsi is totally stealing the idea from Coke. Right? That is unless it was Pepsi's idea first but coke just mass produced it first. But why do we need two of them. I personally like Vanilla coke and am probabaly more loyal to coke than to pepsi. Maybe their are people out there who are relieved or even ecstatic that Pepsi has their own line of Vanilla tasting stuff if they are not a fan of coke. I just think it's silly.

Thirdly, I realized today that life is sometimes hard. And their is no way around it. That sucks. It's nice to have God's presence walking you through it but I still wish it were different. And I think I waste more time trying to get around the hard stuff than putting energy into getting out.
Life is a beautiful thing. So many wonderful feelings and emotions but this is the rule of life, their is good and their is bad.

I will try to blog more consistently. Yvonne is really afraid that this is a fad that will pass for me. She has real reason to be concerned!! I am a fan of short term interests. tata
Rhonda at 3:52 PM

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Now this one isn't so deep. Phew what a relief heh? Anyone up for a great movie?? check out "Ratrace". terribly funny movie. It has such a fascinating plot with the most interesting characters, definately not a regular hollywood movie. My favorite scene is with the Mormon twins racing their monster trucks. Brilliant visual stimulation. This movie made me laugh. I also saw "Oceans 11" last night. See we don't have cable and a new baby who goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. Which would be great if she could babysit herself....

But I digress, I was really impressed by oceans 11 as it wasn't as Hollywood as I was expecting. It had a great plot and drew me right in. For goodness sake I feel like Siskel and Ebert.

Anyway I'm probably well behind the times with the movie thing but at video cellar you can rent a recently new release, like stuff I've been meaning to see but haven't got around to, for 3 days at a whopping cost of 99 cents plus tax. Funny this fits perfectly into my budget. My next movie to watch is "signs" My hubby thinks I'll scream. I don't like scary movies but love on the edge of your seat, no idea what will happen next thrillers. Unfortunate for me heh?
Rhonda at 6:38 PM

Friday, September 12, 2003

My little girl is adorable. 4months and the love of my life. I really enjoy her and whatever it is she is learning how to do. When you become a mom there's books to help you know what tasks your kid should be developing at what stage. If I was to look at that i'd say that my little girl is on the slower end. That makes her sound retarded. Why is "the norm" such a big thing and who decided what it is.

If I looked at my life as "the norm" than everyone of my friends would either be catergorized as "advanced" or "delayed" dependent on how it compared to me. But their "status" would change if compared to someone else. So how accurate can this type of measurement actually be?

Right from the beginning the personality of my daughter Emma was one that seemed to be patient and in no rush. She didn't start kicking till the last day of the 4 week period you should begin to feel kicks. I was looking at her yesterday wondering when she will start putting things into her mouth or picking up toys, or rolling over. She's not interested yet in any of it. She is capable of it she just isn't interested.

The thought I had was that I really needed to remember that right from the beginning of her days she set her own pace and it wasn't as fast as mine. That I really need to let her be her own person and develop at her own speed. Because this is just who she is. And I love her for it.

So why can't I apply that to my own life. I am constantly frustrated with myself that I am not like so and so, or that I haven't learnt something fast enough. I should have got it by now right? Others have so should I. Yet if I look at my past and at who I am, the things that frustrate me about myself are things that are true to my character. The way I am is just the way it is. I have my own pace, my own ways, my own built in unchangeable characteristics. I look forward to offering myself the same love and grace that I have for my daughter to just be who she is and not compare her to anyone else.
Rhonda at 12:29 PM

Thursday, September 11, 2003

So yesterday was a good day. Maybe because I spent the day playing with a 5 year old who's new favorite phase is "what the..." and I did a minimal amount of housework. I had a long good talk with my husband last night. About many things. He wants a truck. He could really use a truck. Does he NEED a truck? He thinks so, I wish he could just use what we have. A reliable tercel that doesn't fit anything my husband ever buys at home depot. But what does having things that fit your life the way you wish do except make life easier and hopefully more enjoyable. My point exactly, he can do without a truck. His point, maybe life was meant to live from a place of vision and possibility creating that reality rather than just managing with what you have. I hate when he so... unarguably makes more sense than I do. The main reason I am hesitant about this purchase is because we literally do not have the money to buy a truck. I hate debt and have been raised to avoid it at all costs... funny how I value this freedom more than living a life that is potentially less stressful and more enjoyable. The reason I hate debt is (per our conversation last night it dawned on me) totally because I'm afraid of not getting out of it. My husbands point, me of all people should have the confidence in myself to believe I will ALWAYS get out of debt and it could be a means to a life I/he wants. Instead of wishing things could be different in my life and actually making a sacrifice to change it, I am more apt to just put up with it the way it is and try to be satisfied. This value interestingly enough affects every aspect of how I live including conflict, knowing what I want,(whatever I get should be "good enough" even if I don't like it) making ANY decision, and unfortunately dreaming. Do you know how often I say, "it doesn't matter, whatever" from what to eat for supper, to baby paraphanalia, to clothing, to toilet paper, to what my husband wants to do and how he does it. What a cop out. Letting and forcing others to make the decision for you. and does it matter, sometimes it doesn't but more often than not I'm beginning to think it does. So what do you do about it when you realize there is room for change but you have no frigging idea how to be different. I guess you just learn a different way. Life is about process right?.... is this to deep? Unfortunately and fortunately it's what I have to offer. tata
Rhonda at 7:05 AM

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

I'm afraid that I really don't have much to say. But I will try not to let that stop me from writing. I just spent some time reading Joy's birth story and it has left me bothered. Bothered because I don't know what to do with my emotions so i just sort of ignore them. I want to run to her and share her pain yet my own awkwardness with grief and loss prevent me from doing so. I wish I wasn't so weirded out about what to say and just say something. Lately i've been spending so much time thinking that I have a headache everyday. And I never get headaches. Do you ever try to figure out something so intensely your brain hurts?? This is my life but I'm not sure what i"m trying to figure out. Motherhood I guess and who I am now. Maybe moreso what to do with my time. I need to do something other than think though. We don't have a budget for Tylenol Extra Strength at the moment. sigh. this too shall pass. I need to call up Joy and say Hi. good night
Rhonda at 11:05 PM

Monday, September 08, 2003

so my first official blog. i don't usually like to use capitals or punctuation. just be warned. it makes it feel more like a regular conversation. yvonne finds it frustrating. yvonne is my computer minded friend who got me started on the whole blogging thing. well it;s not quite a thing yet if i only have one entry. i am notorious for getting kicked out of my email account for not accessing it enough. well this really is an entry about nothing. i'll tell you about myself. i'm 28, almost 29 and i just had my first child. 3 and 3/4 months to be exact. life is so very different i don't know where to start. which is why i must blog. and to all those people who said "babies are soooo easy, you just take them wherever you go, their portable, your life doesn't have to change," bullshit. can i swear on this thing? the harsh realities of the life change are more than i was anticipating. and i keep reminding myself i am more than just this part of my life. but sometimes i don't remember what else there is to my life but this all encompassing childrearing business. anyway, thanks for reading my thoughts. hopefully the profanity will be kept to a minimum but can't promise anything.
Rhonda at 9:26 PM