My night
So I just got back from work. Second to last shift of my life? Life as I know it anyway. Had a patient die this evening minutes after we finished turning him and trying to help him out. It was a very scary feeling to feel like you might totally be responsible for his dying at that specific moment. Maybe if we had just left him alone he would have lived a few more hours. However this man had terminal cancer so his death was not unexpected, moreso just how fast things happened. To sitting and eating breakfast himself friday morning to gone saturday evening.
As I debriefed with the staff who shared their own stories of similar fears experienced, I realized I needed to answer a question before I could go on. That being do I really believe God is in control of when a person's life ends? That he has the ultimate say and knew from the beginning of this person's life what the date and time would be?
Then if I truly believe the above, how am I responsible for my part (as little as it may be) in his death? I kinda think he could've lived another 5 minutes or more had we not disturbed the situation of his body. (the more senior staff assured me that often a patient will "go" soon after being turned or cleaned up and attribute it to changing the stasis of the body, just that one more thing to push it over its' limit)
I kinda see the scenario two ways. The first being the way I fear that it is... that I screwed up and God looked down and said "oh crap rhonda what'd you do know" and had to rush his secretary along to type this guys name in the book of life and death because God wasn't planning on him going till tomorrow evening but thanks to me he had to move it up and white out tomorrows entry. Like God is covering my butt and I have the control over how things turn out.
The other scenario I just started gnawing on during my drive home. It being that God is God and I cannot comprehend his ways. Kinda like a hugely amplified version of not comprehending my husband and his ways. He is just different and isn't wired like I am. (both Jon and God)
That God does know the day and time of everyone's death as soon as they're born. That he is totally in control and i am not. And maybe what I think "control" looks like isn't even an option for God because he is so far removed from how we operate the two can't even be compared. His "control" is something I can't comprehend, just accept. Kinda like faith and it's workings.
I know their is this whole other debate with points regarding responsibility when you are truly the cause of the death, like the guy driving the car that ran someone over. But it's too late to even confuse myself with it.
As I debriefed with the staff who shared their own stories of similar fears experienced, I realized I needed to answer a question before I could go on. That being do I really believe God is in control of when a person's life ends? That he has the ultimate say and knew from the beginning of this person's life what the date and time would be?
Then if I truly believe the above, how am I responsible for my part (as little as it may be) in his death? I kinda think he could've lived another 5 minutes or more had we not disturbed the situation of his body. (the more senior staff assured me that often a patient will "go" soon after being turned or cleaned up and attribute it to changing the stasis of the body, just that one more thing to push it over its' limit)
I kinda see the scenario two ways. The first being the way I fear that it is... that I screwed up and God looked down and said "oh crap rhonda what'd you do know" and had to rush his secretary along to type this guys name in the book of life and death because God wasn't planning on him going till tomorrow evening but thanks to me he had to move it up and white out tomorrows entry. Like God is covering my butt and I have the control over how things turn out.
The other scenario I just started gnawing on during my drive home. It being that God is God and I cannot comprehend his ways. Kinda like a hugely amplified version of not comprehending my husband and his ways. He is just different and isn't wired like I am. (both Jon and God)
That God does know the day and time of everyone's death as soon as they're born. That he is totally in control and i am not. And maybe what I think "control" looks like isn't even an option for God because he is so far removed from how we operate the two can't even be compared. His "control" is something I can't comprehend, just accept. Kinda like faith and it's workings.
I know their is this whole other debate with points regarding responsibility when you are truly the cause of the death, like the guy driving the car that ran someone over. But it's too late to even confuse myself with it.
3 Comments:
Dealing with death so up close and personal would make me think about deep stuff too.
Maybe he was so thankful to be in a nice clean gown and bed...maybe he just felt so nice and cozy that he was just able to relax and let go.
Maybe he would have said "Thank you" to you if he could. Maybe a fresh blanket was all he wanted to be comfortable enough to let go.
Just a thought...
I have had that experience as well, Rhonda. I had changed and turned a woman in her bed along with another health care aide (when I was one at a personal care home). The next time I checked on her she was gone. It does make you think...was it the movement that I caused that was the last bit of energy? But, it was their time. We just tried to give more dignity by giving a fresh gown or a fresh blanket.
Post a Comment
<< Home