Opinions

Yes, like Yvonne (and Paul her brother) says, they are like butts, everybody has one. And I must say this is a bit of a vent blog. I know my situation brings up compassion and concern and even overwhelming support. But I have to say I am surprised at the amount and RANGE of things people (mostly family) feel very free to share with me.

Not that any of them are offensive, just at no other time in my life can I compare getting the amount of opinions about what will improve my life, why the babies are fussy and what I should do about it, what I should or shouldn't do for myself and family. It truly is endless.

Thank you for not having any opinions dear blogger friends. I guess my new approach to wanting opinions is "If I want your opinon I'll ask for it". Sound fair?

So these are some of my favorites...

1. How to bathe the babies (my mom in law and mom are in opposition over this one)
2. What color's I should color code my babies (apparently one doesn't have the skin coloring to pull off yellow)
3. How an erasable white board could improve my life (and help me keep track of details I'm not interested in)
4. How a fussy baby MUST be my fault "IT's obviously something you ate"
5. When I should start getting out of the house (still not interested)
6. If children with a runny nose should be allowed to visit my house and touch Emma's toys
7. If my screaming, rooting baby is indeed hungry
8. How many sleepers a kid really needs (now this one I am somewhat undecided on? opinions welcomed!!)

I guess that is all for the moment. I just find it amazing that the past week, my stress has come more from deflecting opinons and trying to find my own mothering instinct voice within than from screaming babies keeping me up.

However, I must add I have on more than one occasion decided to return them both in the morning because I no longer found this fun. Thankfully for them, mornings are our best time of day!!

I don't know how to respond to all the comments I've received (etiquette wise) so I'll just say here it's been so great to share this with so many friends, many of whom I'm not in regular contact with. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement.

Now a question for a fellow twin..Colleen did you and your twin always share a room growing up or would you have rather had seperate ones? You know me, just planning ahead!

Alright, keep those opinons coming...

Katelyn and Madison

I just wanted to share with you a few images of our girls the day we came home from the hospital.

Kate (Top)
Madison (Middle)
Me and the Girls

The short story

Just to say I think I have a problem. I am choosing blogging over a shower. It's been tough to stay away from the computer since home to opt for sleep or eating. Is this addiction?

Anyway, besides a crappy night thanks to my little one who eats like a bird, all is well. Kate eats great and has become "my favorite" in the moment at 4 a.m. when she is sleeping soundly and Madison is squawing AGAIN. But then I hold my squawker and fall in love all over and how can you have favorites? I just have two to love.

After much emotional angst last week I decided to agree to induction as NOTHING else worked to set my body into motion. I started out at 4 cm 50% effaced Wednesday and by Saturday no change. So we went on the waiting list Thursday and received "the call" Saturday at 5:15 p.m. It's what it must be like being on the organ reception list, every time our cell phone went off my heart just started racing.... Is this the call?

Anyway, we got to the hospital room by 6:30 and waited till 9:15 to get assessed by the resident. I wanted to know where we were starting at so I'd have an idea if I'd made any progress since Thursday's check. I was really hoping to have made it to 7cm and to have the kids by midnight. So they started all their stuff which really bugged me, the fetal monitors, the IV, hospital gown and no bra (that bugged me the most) and a nurse who should have retired a long time ago. After much drama with my crabby nurse, my favorite part being where she answered one of my questions by telling me that if I didn't do blah blah blah my uterus could rupture or I could hemmorage to death, her shift ended. Thank goodness Deanna was there. It was just wonderful to have someone I trusted who had perspective and heard my voice and my fears. I know she's disappointed to have missed the birth but I don't think Jon or I could have held it together without her watching over us.

So by 12:15 a.m my Doctor came to see if we'd made any progress. Apparently the twins heartbeats were all over the place and they were'nt sure if this was an accurate assessment of the syntocinon's effect on them. He broke Kate's water to put a scalp clip in to keep better track of her and I started to cry because it was just another thing I didn't want for my labor. I thought for sure the more interventions I have the more to come down the line. But as soon as my water broke, whammo contractions started about 5 minutes apart and quickly progressed to 1-2 minutes apart. We called the midwife at 1 a.m. because things were well on the way and I was putting off having the "non-negotiable" epidural until she got there to be my voice for a epi-block rather than a full going epidural. She took longer than I was expecting so by 2 a.m. my breathing was changing and even though I was only 5 cm I agreed to the epidural. And I must add was quite looking forward to relief being on it's way. My midwife got there shortly after and fed me ice chips between contractions while Jon held his post rubbing my lower back where the most intensity was. I labored the whole time just sitting on the side of the bed. I don't know if any of you can relate but getting a laboring woman to switch positions is next to impossible.

Well I think she measured me again at 2:15 and I was 7 cm and by the time the anesthesiologist got there at 2:25 I was already 9 c.m. and the nurse was able to feel the head. As soon as he heard about my progress more drama started as I had to be whisked to the OR room to deliver (that was the plan all along, in case an emergency c-section was required). So they had to get this uncooperative laboring woman to LIE DOWN on the bed to be whisked down the hall. No sooner had my last check been done than I started feeling the "pressure" and on the way to the OR room I screamed "I'm pushing I can't stop it" and with one push out came the head and the next push out came her shoulders. I remember hearing "THE HEAD'S CROWING WE NEED A DOCTOR IN HERE... OH THE BABY'S BORN" Jon was in the change room getting his scrubs on, so by the time he got into the room he heard Kate crying and they were cleaning her up.

The doctor got there fairly quickly and when he checked out the next twin, her head was already down and in position for another head first labor. The whole reason they wanted me to get the epidural was for the sake of the second twin in case it presented elbow first or something, so quite coooperative children I must say. So the resident tried to break my water with the second one and fiddled around for a while before my doc finally did at 3:04. Madison was born at 3:07 after the longest push of my life. Her head was smaller but she came out face up which makes for a bigger head diameter. I still feel this one, but thank goodness no stitches were needed. And no epidural which is what I was most afraid of. Not that I'm a sucker for pain but with Emma's labor being so quick I just wanted to let my body do what I knew it could and I figured I would go pretty fast. And I'm really really really afraid of needles. Especially ones insterted into my spine. An IV was bad enough. What a suck.

My favorite part of the story is that after I finally opened my eyes to look around the OR room I realized a doctor was holding my hand. There were blue clad, masked people rushing everywhere and one of them who was waiting for the next twin had decided to hold my hand. I said to him, "Thank you so much, I didn't know I needed someone to hold my hand and it's just what I needed at this moment". The next day I was recounting the story to Jon and calling this terribly sensitive, thoughtful, caring doctor "THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER". At which point Jon said with a weird look on his face "that was me" he even went on to tell me he responded to my comment about it being what I needed, but apparently lala land has only one way communication!!! And then I looked back on that moment saying, "well he was tall like you, and thin like you, and he WAS wearing glasses like you..." but throw on blue scrubs, a face mask and an OR hat and all you have are eyes. Jon even asked if the big honking camera hanging around his neck didn't give his identity away, but I really didn't notice it at the moment, or didn't think it was weird for this sensitive doctor to pick up our camera so we wouldn't miss out on any pictures. I can't help laughing at this!!!

So there you have it, the short story. In the end it was just the way I would have wished it to go, quickly. But going into it with so much unknown was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. God has been so good to me. What else can I say?

The girls are totally different temperments and definately are not identical looking. I really love that they are unique individuals right off the bat. I don't feel like they are twins, just two babies who happen to be the same age. It's been kinda like having a science experiment before my eyes with the absolute differences between them. anyway, sneaking off to have a shower. More to say but no more time... Thanks again for all the prayers and support. We have felt SOOO loved during this time. MOI.(that was a big kiss to you all)

BABIES!!!

*Yvonne peers into the room*

Rhonda asked me to happily announce the following!!

This morning at 2:45, and 3:07am ,

Jon and Rhonda welcomed 2 more little girls into their family!!

Caitlyn Parker

and

Madison Jones

Their weights were 6 lb 2 oz, and 5 lb 12 oz

The birth went just great, and Rhonda is a very happy, yet tired Mommy. I'm sure she'll update here soon on the details!!! (Not sure about the spelling of the names, so don't monogram any towels for them yet!!!)

*Yvonne exits the room*

still waiting

Hello all. Thanks so much for all the encouraging comments. I really feel the prayers because my spirits are lifted and it has NOTHING to do with anything I'm doing. We are currently waiting to be induced. This morning I was first on the list and it's apparently been a busy day on the ward so I'm probably not getting in till tomorrow. I'm not sure what to wish for anymore. But that is o.k. This really is out of my hands.

The good news is my body is prepared and I totally feel like all it needs is a little jumpstart and whammo we'll be on the way. So we are bumming around Winnipeg, sleeping in anyone's bed, homeless and childless for this week. We also celebrated our 5 th wedding anniversary yesterday. I watched the video at 5 a.m. and really enjoyed seeing us so in love and really unchanged in how much we laugh together. Please pray for Jon. It feels like he is carrying the burden of this waiting stress in his body and that's never been good for his Chron's. Yet we totally feel God is in control and his timing will be perfect even though it's NOT AT ALL what we thought would be best for us and our family.

I was lying in bed thinking about poor Mary, Jesus' mother. How is it she spent the last few days of her pregnancy on a horse travelling away from home. And then how disappointing to find out you couldn't even get a hotel room to have a decent sleep. I can only imagine she wondered where God was in all of this. And she didn't have a midwife with her, nor her mother AND she gave birth to her first baby in a barn. If I didn't know better I'd think God doesn't value Women much and has no compassion. This scenario for her is not what I would have thought God would have chosen for her to walk through. It's just all wrong from my perspective. She was all alone, away from home and family, not getting any breaks along the way. I mean this would have seemed much more redeemable in my eyes had they gone to the super 8 for a room and got upgraded to the presidential suite at the Hilton for the same price and birthed AT LEAST in a bit of comfort.

Not that I'm comparing myself to Mary, I was just so aware that she was carrying the Messiah and was "blessed" among women and chosen by God and her journey was so much more difficult than mine. I would have bitched and complained the whole way, while crying hysterically.

I sure have alot to learn about God's ways and fully yielding myself to his plans.

Babies on the horizon. I'll keep you posted. Love you all and thanks so much for all the support and love I feel.

The landscape of this place

I am over 38 weeks, longer than I could have imagined to go. The Dr. yesterday gave me some perspective and said 38 weeks with twins is like 42 with one. And this is how I feel. As of monday I just cracked and started crying. I've been doing really great up till now but what does that matter now? I guess besides healthy babies which I am thankful for. Nothing seems to be "taking" and my body is totally not responding to trying to jumpstart labor. I feel terribly defeated and exhausted and spent. I just want it over with. I want my body back and my life back. But there seems to be no end to this life I wander through. I feel like a caged tiger just pacing in a tiny space.

I awoke an hour ago like usual and couldn't go back to sleep so I just started writing. I don't know if this is too much information to share on a blog but I can always erase it if I feel exposed after the fact.


The cruel irony of this place makes me want to cry. I have nothing left. No more hope, no more joy, no more voice. Everything has been taken. I am but a shell. Death surrounds me ironically on the brink of life. Confusion is a companion. Insanity feels so close. I want death to end it all and put me out of my suffering. My vision of the life, LIFE ABUNDANT is gone. I can not see past the next outbreak of tears. I feel like I"m living the same emotional landscape of the disciples after Christ was crucified. An ending that wasn't on any ones horizons. No one could have imagined this terrible outcome, it was supposed to be different-no indication was given that it wouldn't be as hoped. But the unthinkable.

It feels like I'm stuck in some sort of pergatory half-way place. I'm not living death surrounds me, hopelessness is the air I breathe and yet I'm not dead. I see others living all around me.

There is the life we see on earth through our eyes and the life God sees from his vantage point. It's an upside kingdom DEFEAT=VICTORY DEATH =LIFE Nothing makes sense

How is it the enemy knows God's currency and yet torments us with the lies that it is not as it is. God give me strength to see what can not be seen with my earthly eyes.

I was just listening to this verse and it really spoke to me- it's a song by Dave Ruis

When the sunlight has faded and the darkness my friend
And the sorrows are rolling and the suffering just won't end
I will lift up my eyes and give glory to your name
And I'll rest in your promise over me

This is terribly dramatic, I am well aware. However it is my reality at this moment. Pray for me that I will survive labor with nothing of my own to offer.

Still cooking...

Hello, just got back from the city yesterday still pregnant. And made it through the night, still pregnant. I'm not getting anxious yet, or frustrated about feeling "done" but I'm sure that is in the near future. Thankfully I have a few diversions this week to keep me going day to day.

There's a worship evening at our church tonight that I'm really looking forward to going to so tonight would be the only time I WOULDN'T want them to come. And then we're back in Winnipeg wednesday for another assessment.

They said the babies were about 5 1/2 lbs which is great for 37 weeks. But now I need to change my focus from taking it easy and avoiding anything that will induce labor to doing EVERYTHING to induce labor.

Loved your comment Marsha. It's amazing how all 5 could be so different and yet beautiful. I need to remember that because my first was so great I feel I can only be disappointed by this one.

Anyway keep checking i'll let you know!