Mayhem and Motherhood: The landscape of this place

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The landscape of this place

I am over 38 weeks, longer than I could have imagined to go. The Dr. yesterday gave me some perspective and said 38 weeks with twins is like 42 with one. And this is how I feel. As of monday I just cracked and started crying. I've been doing really great up till now but what does that matter now? I guess besides healthy babies which I am thankful for. Nothing seems to be "taking" and my body is totally not responding to trying to jumpstart labor. I feel terribly defeated and exhausted and spent. I just want it over with. I want my body back and my life back. But there seems to be no end to this life I wander through. I feel like a caged tiger just pacing in a tiny space.

I awoke an hour ago like usual and couldn't go back to sleep so I just started writing. I don't know if this is too much information to share on a blog but I can always erase it if I feel exposed after the fact.

The cruel irony of this place makes me want to cry. I have nothing left. No more hope, no more joy, no more voice. Everything has been taken. I am but a shell. Death surrounds me ironically on the brink of life. Confusion is a companion. Insanity feels so close. I want death to end it all and put me out of my suffering. My vision of the life, LIFE ABUNDANT is gone. I can not see past the next outbreak of tears. I feel like I"m living the same emotional landscape of the disciples after Christ was crucified. An ending that wasn't on any ones horizons. No one could have imagined this terrible outcome, it was supposed to be different-no indication was given that it wouldn't be as hoped. But the unthinkable.

It feels like I'm stuck in some sort of pergatory half-way place. I'm not living death surrounds me, hopelessness is the air I breathe and yet I'm not dead. I see others living all around me.

There is the life we see on earth through our eyes and the life God sees from his vantage point. It's an upside kingdom DEFEAT=VICTORY DEATH =LIFE Nothing makes sense

How is it the enemy knows God's currency and yet torments us with the lies that it is not as it is. God give me strength to see what can not be seen with my earthly eyes.

I was just listening to this verse and it really spoke to me- it's a song by Dave Ruis

When the sunlight has faded and the darkness my friend
And the sorrows are rolling and the suffering just won't end
I will lift up my eyes and give glory to your name
And I'll rest in your promise over me

This is terribly dramatic, I am well aware. However it is my reality at this moment. Pray for me that I will survive labor with nothing of my own to offer.
Rhonda at 6:40 AM


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recall 42 weeks with Anneka. The tears...tired of being tired...crying because i'm sick of crying. my journal is full of ''Oh long? Have you forgotten me?''

Dramatic, yes....but the reality of how you are feeling is valid. I'm sooo sorry that you are feeling this way. I totally understand.

I wish i could do something for you. What do you need? Nothing...i'm assuming....unless i have some prosteglangen gel in my pocket...heh.

I'll just say this; my mom planned all of our starting them with castor oil. It ain't perdy....but it works.

Ah my dear strong friend.Even tho you'll most likly delete this in the morning.....Know that i'm thinking and praying for you.


8:16 AM  
Blogger Deanna Momtchilov said...

Girl, I so wish I could take this burden from you, even for just an hour or so! I remember in labour with Sim, that's all I wanted. Someone to just do 5 or 6 contractions for me so that I could rejuvenate and be able to keep going. But, alas, since that is not possible, I will pray for you and hope for you that this will all end soon. You will pull through this and someday look back and laugh. But it doesn't have to be today. Cry all you need to. Maybe some extra tears will spur on the labour! You could always try a little dancing! ;)

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't apologize for your reality Rhonda. It is profound in it's suffering and speaks of the truth in waiting.
It touched something inside of me.

I want to offer to come and hang with you today if you would like that. We don't have to talk...I can sit and cry with you. I could read to you (scripture, and other), massage your feet/hands...whatever! No pressure if you simply want to be alone, but I want to offer it.

Obviously to some extent you walk this alone, but you need to know that we are calling on the Lord for you, and walking alongside as far as we can go.

i love you Rhonda and I love the honesty of your journey.


9:45 AM  
Anonymous Vikki said...

awww Rhonda, I was thinking of you last night and praying for you. I was wkg at my 2nd job (I serve dinners and receptions at the British High Commissioners house, tonnes of fun!) I digress.... I was wkg with a lady who had 5 sons all before she was 31! She had 3 in one year. Her twins were premies and had to stay in the hospital for 6months after they were born. By the time they came home she was 3months pregnant again!!! Anyhow, the point is, God has blessed you with full-term babies. He will continue to Bless you in so many ways and I'm praying that He will Bless you with a miraculous delivery, as soon as possible!

Your post was WONDERFULLY dramatic! I love it....reminds me of my poetry when my parents grounded me from seeing Cordell. Remember that?! HAHAHA I seem to recal you've read some of those poems, oh wait, ALL my wedding guests read those poems - thanks to Yvonne!!!

Hang in there Rhonda. You have a wonderful spirit, God will bring back your Joy in FULL FORCE!!!!

12:28 PM  
Blogger Lynne said...

You have terrific friends Rhonda. We are all cheering for you and praying continuously for you. I also remember feeling so big with Evan. Evan was 11 lbs 1 ounze. Ouch! I also go the full nine yards when it comes to pregnancy. I remember feeling so big, so heavy and so trapped. I prayed for you this morning (9:37 a.m.) and asked for God to jumpstart your labour and that you wouldn't rip (much) during delivery. We are all very excited to see these little ones grace this earth.

Continuing to pray for you girl,

9:51 AM  
Anonymous beck said...

sweet girl, I can't imagine what you're going through. I can't say I understand in any way, shape or form. but I can tell you that I love you and I'll pray.

(heart) beck

ps. when those babies arrive and you want visitors I want to come out and take some photos for you.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Carla Lowe said...

Rhonda!!!!!!!!!! i miss you. and i don't want to say "i can't believe you're still pregnant" because that's idiotic and lame. i'm just amazed at your strength so far, even if you don't think you have it. i will definitely keep you in my prayers. you are awesome and amazing and this will all be over soon. i can't pretend to know what you're going through, because i have never carried twins, but i did go 42 and a HALF weeks with isabel, who just did not want to freaking come. (and btw, castor oil does NOT work and it's horrible.) i love you and i'm thinking of calling you, but i'm not sure if you would hate that...."hang in there"--so cliche, i know...;)

12:31 AM  

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