The journey ahead

I've been reading a book by Billy Graham called "the journey". It's his culmination of all he knows about living a life of faith written at his age of 86. I didn't know he was so old. I've really been enjoying it. I read a chapter each time I breast feed since they are small chapters I've been whipping through it.

The last chapter I read was about seeing God in all the stages of life. Here he is at 86 and he says he's still learning about the heart of God and who God is. He says since his body is so crippled and he now needs to use a walker, he's been seeing the intricacy of God's creation as he slowly walks with his head down-it's amazing the stuff he's seeing that he never saw before walking head up.

And then it talks about how difficult it is to say goodbye to friends you've had for a lifetime with only the hope of seeing them again in heaven to hold on to.

It got me thinking about being 80 and all the people we will have to say good bye too. We love so many different people, Evan because he makes me laugh, Chris because he's so crazy, Becky because she's so beautiful, Yvonne because she's my best friend ever and is my walking memory, Erica because she's fascinating and I exhale around her, Deanna because she's my parenting guru and is such an amazing godly woman. Trish Guse, Darlene, my brother in law John, Holly and Steve, Wanda, Jen F, so many friends. So many to say goodbye too.

We love lots of people, lots of you add so much to my life. I can't help but think of all the grieving that lies ahead of us on this side of heaven.

How much more amazing then will it be to meet up again in heaven! Just when you thought you'd never see them again...the hope of heaven.

Parenting know-who's

I'm getting really good at knowing what it is my 3 year old needs. By looking at the clock and comparing her behavior I can tell you if she's hungry, tired or bored. Often the behavior is the same but the cause is different. I can tell by the look on her face if she needs to go potty the second before she tells me. I can tell when she's been naughty by the way she holds her head down. My friend knows when her child needs to go potty by the way she walks.

And I got thinking that I don't even know myself as good as I know my child. When I'm grouchy I don't look at the clock and say "oh it's because I'm hungry or had too busy of a day" I usually don't even have the grace for myself for misbehavior.

I'm beginning to think of my relationship with God more and more as a parent child. And I was blown away at how he truly does know me better than I know myself and knows what I need more than I do.

My challenge is now to trust and obey just like a little child.

Bred in captivity

Last week we went to the zoo with Emma and another friend. We walked by the lion's cage and saw two furry faces peering out of the basement window that was enclosed by bars. Me and my friend started a short conversation about it saying "I wonder what it's like to live behind bars with people staring at you all day long? How boring, you can't even run free or do anything that came natural to you like hunting. what a weird existence."

Then my friend said "well they were bred in captivity so this is all they know".

This statement just resonated in my head and I said back "wow, I wonder if that's what it's like for us. We're "bred in captivity" and we have no idea of the life that we were created for"

Her response was "wow rhonda, right to the deep stuff" and that was the end of the conversation.

I came home and shared this idea with Jon and we had a fascinating discussion on the parallels between the caged animals and us living in this world. And I couldn't help but think we were made for so much more than this.

And I couldn't help but be sad that as of late the stuff I want to talk about has nothing to do with what so and so said, or the funny things that happened today, but others aren't that interested in engaging those sorts of conversations.

I constantly feel like I'm alive in my mind and when I share a thought with someone, it' s like launching a plane that could have gone somewhere but usually crashes and burns. Their response is something like "oh, hm, interesting, silence, or right to the deep stuff heh?"

It's weird to want to develop relationships but not be able to share all of yourself for realistic probability of weirding out the friendship. I know you need to talk about regular life stuff too and I do, but I constantly feel the internal pressure to talk about what the other person is willing to engage in because I WANT to build relationships. Sometimes it's lonely and that is why I blog.

Up for air

Hi guys. I'm a posting maniac. I've been chewing on some ideas for the last few weeks but thanks to the pace of my life I haven't been able to get to a computer to post them. In regards to pictures of the girls... the truth is I'm totally computer illiterate and we don't have a digital camera yet. As well as our scanner needs to be hooked up and that's up to my handy dandy husband. Sorry, maybe I'll scan them at someone else's house and figure it out. They are both big. katie's growing out of some 6 month stuff because she's so long and chubby. Madison is having alot more happy times and i can now make her laugh. Emma's unfortunately been watching too much t.v. because it's really hard to play with her when the babies are awake because she's beginning to act out her frustration at always being interrupted. Yesterday she kissed madison so hard she left fingernail marks in her head from leaning on her. sigh. However she's been taking swimming lessons at the local "aquatic centre" and loving it. she talks about her teacher this her teacher that. When I ask her what her teacher's name is she has no idea!! cute and totally ready for preschool. anyway, thanks for still reading and commenting on my site. I haven't gotten back into the swing of checking others blogs. It's kinda like a verbal purge on my part and that's all as of late!! love ya all

Satan the policeman

A while back I was thinking about how I view Satan in regards to "being under attack" (such a christianese saying isn't it?) Anyway, what I realized is that up till recently my view of him has been as a neutral party in regards to my relationship with God. Theoretically he's supposed to be something more aggressive and scary, but the reality I've been living out of was that he'd stay out of my way if I stayed out of his. Kinda like the police.

I always get nervous when I see a cop car in my rearview mirror and wonder if they will pull me over. I check to see if my seatbelt is done up, I frantically try to remember if my insurance is renewed and I calmly reduce my speed because I'm always on the upper limits of that silly speed limit. Then I keep my eye on them as I try to drive along as if I've done and am doing nothing wrong. They usually drive by talking to one another oblivious that they've set the fear of God in me and then I exhale and go on with my life.

It dawned on me that Satan doesn't act like a policeman and he's not neutral at all. Doesn't it say that he seeks to kill and destroy? If anything he's a corrupt policeman. I wonder where I got this idea from and being raised in the church all my life I'm pretty darn sure I learned it from the institution.

A friend of mine said he sees Satan as a burgular trying to break into your place. He's so intent on getting in he just sits in wait, not sleeping, not turning away just waiting for the perfect moment when I forget to set the alarm, or leave a window open. Regardless if I'm playing by the rules and staying out of his "things" like the occult he's still wanting to rob me blind. It seems so unfair. What'd I ever do to him? Why does he have it out for me? I'm just living my life minding my own business trying to live out the kingdom of God.

It seems so innocent and gentle "the kingdom of God" but apparently the corrupt policeman satan feels otherwise and is out to get me. Out to get all of us actually. So I ask God to help me watch my windows and let me know when I've forgotten to set the alarm. I'm not alone in this and I don't have to be scared thinking I've seen him around every corner. But to ignore or minimize the reality of his existence and his nature just seems foolish now. I can't help but think the church as an institution isn't doing christians any favors either by teaching us to be so fearful we never leave our homes or oblivious that we don't know he's waiting for any opportunity to rob us blind.

The Bike

I've been wanting to buy my dad a decent bike for a few years already. But it always falls into the "we can't really afford it right now" category.

He loves to go camping at Bird's Hill Park which has a pretty neat paved bike trail. He's been using my 40 year old brother's 10 speed (the one he used while in university some 20 years ago) It does the job and my dad gets around and he enjoys his hobby of biking through nature and even off roading with it's skinny tires. My dad has used newer bikes and enjoyed them, but since he has a "perfectly good bike" he's never even thought of buying himself a new one.

I dated a guy in university who was really into biking. Needless to say he helped me buy a "really nice" bike that had more than I was used to having. Before this I didn't know it was possible to change gears without grinding and peddle effortlessly. I loved my bike for all these fabulous new features and wanted to buy my dad a really nice bike so he too could enjoy what he's never really had before.

Now this father's day I decided to buy him our dream bike. However as I went about shopping for it looking for things he needed like a comfy seat, a "seniors" color, Shimano gears, shocks and mountain bike tires a terrible reality began to set in. I coudn't buy him the bike I wanted to because it would be a 600$ bike. Not because I wasn't willing to spend that much on him but because He would refuse to keep it. Knowing my dad and his "I use what I have and I don't complain" attitude, he would make me return the gift I've dreamt of giving him. So I went about shopping for the best bike I could find that he would allow me to give him.

What I couldn't help but wonder was how often we do this to God. Refuse to accept things from him that we don't think we deserve or are too extravagant. Like grace, we all try to earn it. He wants to give us it in abundance and we will only take the crumbs that we feel we deserve because we've apologized or changed our ways. I want to be able to receive whatever it is God has for me and not limit his dreams for me with what "will do"or even meets my expectations. God's dreams for me are probably much bigger than my own. He is God afterall.

Surrender

I have a friend who keeps telling me in a voice of awe that I am the total picture of surrender to her as I walk through this journey of twins. I don't tell you this to make myself look good but because it makes me laugh that she sees me this way!

The way she says "surrender" is like it's an amazing, beautiful, feminine attribute that makes you sigh as you say it.

As I was reflecting on her comment I thought about how I got to this place of "surrender" (sigh) and couldn't help but laugh at my response. I said "well God put me in a headlock and I had no choice!"

Then I thought about the word surrender and how the little white flag waving out of the castle wall would only come as a sign of surrender when the people had no other choice but to give in or else die.

Why do we see "surrendered" people as something easy and beautiful? It usually always comes after an intense struggle or battle. Easy it is not. Beautiful... I guess it is. Maybe because we more commonly see people stuck in the battle to get their own way, miserable in headlocks but refusing to give in. Stubborn we are at nature aren't we.

My friend is right though. I have surrendered much in this journey and I can only say I wish I had done it much sooner.