Hello

I have really been missing my blogging. For some strange reason I have this terrible habit of telling myself that anything I enjoy can't be fit into my life. My twins are 19 months old. How crazy is that. When I can remember how to post a picture i'll do that. Emma is 4 1/2 and an amazingly aware little girl. Who is still on blogger?

Emma's future

We took Maddie to the doctor the other day to check for the infamous ear infection. While there Emma said something she' s never said before. She said "When I grow up I want to be a doctor"

wow what a proud moment. Not sure why it evoked pride, maybe because it is a huge goal that our culture esteems as being better than something else. Anyway, we came home and told daddy about her new interest. Then he asked her why she chose this. "Oh", she says, while holding onto her candy cane from the doctor "because when i'm a doctor i'll give ALL the kids candy too!!!"

Oh yes, so proud.

The next day we were filling up at the gas station. Emma says to Jon, "Daddy when I grow up I want to be a gasser" A gasser? he asks "yeah" she says as she motions to the gas jockey filling up our vehicle.

Oh, so proud.

my kids

i'm having a pretty tough month thus no blogging. Just thought i'd post a pic of my three girls in their new chariot. Unfortunately for Emma she doesn't want to walk so gets squished into the front on the floor. Fortunately for me it's really easy to push!! When we were getting out this was divine to take all 3 out for walks in. As you can tell kate on the left is taller than maddie. Still 5 lbs difference. Maddie is ahead in her teeth count though. Up to 4. Emma I believe has all of hers!!

My kids

Here is Emma and me.

Madison is the baldy and Kate has the hair.

blessed sleep

I just finished reading a book that I believe God sent my way. It is on sleep in babies and little tykes and a overview of what "the experts" are saying about it.

I have had a tough week recooperating from last week with everyone sick and crabby. Tough because everything i've done so far to accomplish this overwhelming task seemed to be screaming "you idiot, you did it all wrong". If only... (this one gets me alot) you would have put them on a routine from the beginning you wouldn't be having these problems with them napping at different times and sleeping differently at night. if only you had taken maddie to the doctor more consistently she'd have had her colic and poops figured out by now, if only you'd been consistent with the bottle kate would let daddy put her to sleep, if only you hadn't gotten in the habit of nursing kate to sleep she'd just miracuolously be put down in her crib awake, know it's bedtime and figure out how to fall asleep on her own. It's called sleep training apparently and parents work at it from birth to establish healthy "sleep routines" for their kids so they don't get stuck in the situation i'm in... night waking. I just figured my kids would know what to do and when it wasn't working for us I'd figure out what our options were. I didn't know I had to become an expert on parenting before I had kids.

So anyway, back to this book, it brought up everyone's opinons about the topic and really took alot of pressure off of me for having missed what it is I should have been doing. I didn't miss the boat, I was doing what I thought was best and that is what I should have been doing. Whether it works for me or not is up to me to decide and if it doesn't than I need to decide what it is I need to do about it.

I really shy away from reading about "experts" because I end up walking away feeling badly about myself and my approaches and decisions. Somehow I got this idea in my head that just because you have written a book about it you know more than I do about the topic and you are right while I am wrong. Unfortunately for that theory I know Hitler wrote alot of things that were his "theories" that the world refuses to accept now as true and thankfully are disregarded into the "painfully interesting history" pile.

It got me thinking though about why I feel subservient in my opinions. I'm not sure what my parents did or didn't do to undermine my confidence in myself and my decisions. But as I went down this road of thought I read about a book by an expert on breastfeeding and it was written by a man. A doctor nonetheless but a man. "what does a man know about breastfeeding?" I asked myself "and why is he considered an expert on it... has he ever done it?" How would a book written on prostitis, or penile problems be received if written by a woman as an expert in the field? curious thought isn't it?

so most of these sleep theories are written and tested by men. Mostly in a doctor role and not as a father role. And in my experience, no offense to my husband, I happen to be up tending to the night waking alot more than my husband and I wonder whether Ferber was the one to do the night training in his household even. so where does this cultural stereotype come from that seems so 1960's that says" the doctor who wrote the book knows best" when I'm the one who knows that kate is a cuddler and needs more snuggle time than maddie. that crying it out would not and will not work with kate at this stage of the game. and if it could i'm' not sure i want to bring that havoc on our household. If it was just her and us that would be different but we have 2 other sleeping kids to think about that make silence even more necessary for me and having her scream for a few hours every night for the next week just doesn't seem like an option.

i am reminded of how emma potty trained. resistant to my efforts when I started "when the books suggested, the way the books suggested" and when she was ready it took her 2 days. no fighting, no bribing, no setting my timer, just ready and done. I think that's just my parenting approach and it'll be harder to change that considering it's based on my values, beliefs and own understanding.

I just about bought a book for 53$ u.s. that touted itself to be the answer to all my problems. and guaranteed, money back, to have my kids sleeping through the night 12 hours, without needing a pacifier and being able to put themselves to sleep on their own. I think now that i'm going to save my money and spend it on latte's enjoying my time away from my kids writing my own book on parenting... then i'll be considered an expert on the subject.

My monster

Among other things this last month has been emotionally exhausting. What I've been learning about myself is that when i am "low" I have certain monsters that show themselves. One I've been spending alot of time with lately has been jealousy. A close second to this has been judgment. What yucky yucky things to waste my time on and yet it is so habitual I've been struggling with how to get out of the web i'm stuck in.

What i've also been noticing is how I distance myself and judge those i'm jealous of. curious.

Being the one voted "least likely to survive stay at home mom status" in highschool I have many many friends that i compare myself to and thus get jealous about thus distancing myself from and judging all to appease my pain. I was praying about it the other day and I got this funky little life cycle diagram in my head that i will share with you.


JUDGMENT

JEALOUSY

GUILT AT MY SIN

COMPARISON TO EASE
MY PAIN


Now i'm not sure if you can just jump into it at any place of the cycle or if it can go both forwards and backwards but considering that sin is sly and i get caught up in it before i even realize it I bet it'll do anything to get me sucked in.

What struck me about it was that my judgment of others was so clearly linked with my own insecurities/inadequacies and fears that underly my jealousy. And also how I HATE seeing myself judging others and to ease the pain of my shame and awareness of my own sin I just compare myself to someone else to ensure I'm not as bad as I initially thought. Phew, someone whose worse than me, i'm not as rotten as I thought.

The two verses that came to mind that if I lived out of them would just erradicate this cycle were

"I am the vine and you are the branches, apart from me you can do nothing"

"I only do what it is the father tells me to do"

Now if I believe that I'm living out what the father is asking me to do and it looks different than what you are doing why should I judge you or be jealous of you. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what the father is asking. And it is possible you are exactly where you are in his presence doing excatly what the father is asking you to do even though it looks different. To be anywhere else is meaningless. Unfortunately we always see the disappointing things about our life and compare them to the fabulous things in others. Not fair anyway, but what should it matter if I'm just being faithful to what it is God has called me to do. And if I'm not constantly ensuring that i am in the vine, the things that I am doing are only because I am in him. So seeing someone doing something different than me is o.k. because what's most important is not that we're the same but that we are sure we are living out of his presence and following what he is leading us into. it was very clear in my head and apparently not as easy to explain with my fingers.


So, I hope exposing my own shameful ways will allow God's light to come into dark places and extinguish the darkness. I don't want my jealousy and judgment to be the thing that keeps me from you. Nothing about the kingdom of God is about division, it's about multiplication.

Updates

Hello friends. Just thinking as I'm up for air that I haven't updated on the kiddies for a while.

This has been a terrible week as all girls have been sick. It doesn't take much extra stress to just push me over the edge. and I have had many parenting hall of shame moments this week. I just keep hoping that Emma at 3 1/2 is still too young to remember any of them. but really i'm running out of time on that one.

So the girls just hit 6 months. when I have some time to figure out how to post a picture I'll do just that... Katie is almost 19 pounds, still really easygoing and smiley, and a big mamas girl. The problem lately is that no one else can put her to sleep so it's made it tough on dad and on mommy's afternoon off. Mad maddy is turning into a really cute little girl when she's not struggling with constipation, gas, bloating, hunger, tiredness or rolling herself into a corner. she's totally got the million dollar smile. How is it possible that when I'm describing each of them I'm tempted to say seperately that they individually are the cutest baby ever. I really think that of both of them and they are different. Maybe this is how you love two wives equally for the bigomists reading my post.

Life around here is almost indescribable. I have never been so busy in my life. I have never tried to maximize my time and thought ahead 3 hours as to what to do to get ready for that time. If I don't wake up at 6 a.m. I may not have a moment to myself until bedtime thus the incentive to do so. I also live for my breaks, like someone coming to help, or daddy getting home, or my wednesday afternoon to be by myself. Maybe this is a stay at home mome thing, but I often look at the clock to see how much longer until this day is over, and then say to myself wow the last 20 minutes went by pretty slowly. But I'm learning to enjoy the reprieves like this one when they do present themselves. They are here and there, but it is impossible for me to say when they would be. It's so weird that the only thing I can control is my attitude, my hygiene, my thoughts, and how others fold my laundry. I never thought I was a control freak but having so many people helping out in my house has made me a little bossy with how others fold my laundry only because I like it a certain way (only towels, tea towels and washcloths really) so I honestly have told people how to do it the way I like. Can you believe that Yvonne? I'm a little horrified myself and yet it speaks volumes as to the control corner I've been pushed into. Of all the things I can't control, these 3 little things I can.

I've hired a friend two afternoons a week to be a consistent 2nd adult in the kids life to allow me to get out to do errands or just breathe. It's been fabulous and it's only been 2 weeks. Also Jon and I have made some major overhauls as to how we do family life and work life and have set ourselves a bit of a schedule and am trialling saying NO to everything extracurricular for the next 2 months. All these areas of discipline that up until now we've been able to ignore... rearing their heads.

And onto the finance department, thank you readers for all the great comments. I'm curious to know who my mystery reader is who thinks I'm sweet. It's like having a secret crush, maybe it's better for it to remain a mystery. So this is what I've decided to attempt to do (thanks to another friends idea) I've gone through how much we have left after all the monthly stuff is paid for and am just putting it into a seperate account and when it's empty it's empty. Feels kinda not like budgeting, but at least it feels realistic to me. And it encourages me to be on top of how we're doing in the account and if we really need it and if i see something that's a good deal I can still find room to say yes once in a while. maybe the only way I see this working at the moment is because the only things we really buy lately are groceries and gas and baby stuff, and so I don't have to decide what categories to divide what into and how much to alot for each. i'll let you know if it sucks. I'll probably be calling to borrow some money!! :)

I really appreciated your comment Nicole about the generosity of others when they know there is a need. Funny how difficult it is to really be honest with others about our needs even though we have so many wonderful people in our lives who would love to meet them.

anyway, i'm off to bed.

Money

Being poor really sucks. And I'm not even really poor.

I am however a bit of a spoiled kid whose always been able to get what I've wanted and never needed to set boundaries I couldn't step over. If I wanted something I could always find a way to make it happen. No matter the extravagance. Fortunate for me I don't have extravagant tastes (are you laughing at me Yvonne?) so it just came out in clothes and travel. (shoes more specifically) Funny how this principle just won't cut it forever. It feels like God's got me with my arm twisted and I have no option but to LEARN how to live within these boundaries. The problem is I don't really even know how to so I don't know how to even try to get started. I bet God does but we're not on speaking terms at this moment. I'm having a temper tantrum soon to be put on the naughty mat for my time out.

So, I feel foolish even asking my three readers how to do this. Erica, Yvonne, Dee... my friends who I have lived alongside with who have lived with quite tight budgets, who I've heard you say "that's not in the budget" before and I just didn't get it. Do you have any suggestions for me? Any computer programs you would suggest that are EASY for computer no-good people like me? What do you do for groceries-shop bi-monthly? Just needing to learn and you guys all seem to know how to do this without complaining all the time (or maybe you just don't complain to me)

I was filling out this form for child care subsidy for Emma's preschool and I was just getting madder and madder. Mad that I needed to fill out this stupid form, mad that it would really be a help to get the money, mad that we even need the money, mad that having twins pretty much makes it impossible for me to work at present, (and all this is God's fault-whose else could it be), mad that God's inviting us into a new venture that is all about his heart and not about living comfortably secure in this lifetime, mad that I feel like such an idiot with my finances, mad that I care so much about having stuff which doesn't equal happiness anyway. Did I mention I am mad?

So, an honest blog. what else could I write?

Is their something in my teeth?

Our lives are getting messy as of late. Not because of the twins but because of the poor. We have some friends in our lives you would call "the poor" who I can't get out of my head when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and whose lives keep intersecting with mine so frequently I can no longer avoid them.

It's their fault Jon has closed down his design company in order to start a landscaping one working with the unemployable in our community. It's their fault I am laid low with mourning at seeing the reality of my own sin. It's their fault I don't like what I see in me. So why don't i just avoid them then?

The other day our friends were over using their pool which just happens to be permanently on our deck. It's too messy to explain. Anyway, we invited them in and some terrible things started happening to me. I saw my heart.

I was repulsed at the physical sight of my friend and was questioning her hygiene. I really didn't want her sitting on our good chairs at the table, they are white upholstery after all. She had something stuck in her teeth that was really grossing me out and I was having a hard time looking at her at all, much less enjoying a drink with her and her husband around our table. I really didn't want to hug her or shake her hand which she was offering to me. And the air was just getting really difficult to breathe. The spiritual air.

I have a picture I can't get out of my mind. It is me kissing my friend with the food stuck in her teeth. Full on mouth to mouth contact. I want to throw up and it gives me the willies.

As I was reflecting on this situation after they left and I could breathe again, God told me that I have stuff stuck in my teeth. Pride, judgment, greed, selfishness, stereoptyping, selfrighteousness, haughtiness, snottiness, yuckiness. And he said that he is repulsed by it too. He said that he sees it and he wants to avoid me but then he sees past it to my heart and he is drawn to me like a lover. He puts his mouth to mine to kiss me and love me and mess himself up with me. He kisses me with all the stuff stuck in my teeth and I don't think of it as gross. I love him for it. I am forever indebted to him for it. In fact it is the thing that makes me lay down my life at his feet and say it is yours, I am yours, I have never experienced love like this before.

The journey ahead

I've been reading a book by Billy Graham called "the journey". It's his culmination of all he knows about living a life of faith written at his age of 86. I didn't know he was so old. I've really been enjoying it. I read a chapter each time I breast feed since they are small chapters I've been whipping through it.

The last chapter I read was about seeing God in all the stages of life. Here he is at 86 and he says he's still learning about the heart of God and who God is. He says since his body is so crippled and he now needs to use a walker, he's been seeing the intricacy of God's creation as he slowly walks with his head down-it's amazing the stuff he's seeing that he never saw before walking head up.

And then it talks about how difficult it is to say goodbye to friends you've had for a lifetime with only the hope of seeing them again in heaven to hold on to.

It got me thinking about being 80 and all the people we will have to say good bye too. We love so many different people, Evan because he makes me laugh, Chris because he's so crazy, Becky because she's so beautiful, Yvonne because she's my best friend ever and is my walking memory, Erica because she's fascinating and I exhale around her, Deanna because she's my parenting guru and is such an amazing godly woman. Trish Guse, Darlene, my brother in law John, Holly and Steve, Wanda, Jen F, so many friends. So many to say goodbye too.

We love lots of people, lots of you add so much to my life. I can't help but think of all the grieving that lies ahead of us on this side of heaven.

How much more amazing then will it be to meet up again in heaven! Just when you thought you'd never see them again...the hope of heaven.

Parenting know-who's

I'm getting really good at knowing what it is my 3 year old needs. By looking at the clock and comparing her behavior I can tell you if she's hungry, tired or bored. Often the behavior is the same but the cause is different. I can tell by the look on her face if she needs to go potty the second before she tells me. I can tell when she's been naughty by the way she holds her head down. My friend knows when her child needs to go potty by the way she walks.

And I got thinking that I don't even know myself as good as I know my child. When I'm grouchy I don't look at the clock and say "oh it's because I'm hungry or had too busy of a day" I usually don't even have the grace for myself for misbehavior.

I'm beginning to think of my relationship with God more and more as a parent child. And I was blown away at how he truly does know me better than I know myself and knows what I need more than I do.

My challenge is now to trust and obey just like a little child.

Bred in captivity

Last week we went to the zoo with Emma and another friend. We walked by the lion's cage and saw two furry faces peering out of the basement window that was enclosed by bars. Me and my friend started a short conversation about it saying "I wonder what it's like to live behind bars with people staring at you all day long? How boring, you can't even run free or do anything that came natural to you like hunting. what a weird existence."

Then my friend said "well they were bred in captivity so this is all they know".

This statement just resonated in my head and I said back "wow, I wonder if that's what it's like for us. We're "bred in captivity" and we have no idea of the life that we were created for"

Her response was "wow rhonda, right to the deep stuff" and that was the end of the conversation.

I came home and shared this idea with Jon and we had a fascinating discussion on the parallels between the caged animals and us living in this world. And I couldn't help but think we were made for so much more than this.

And I couldn't help but be sad that as of late the stuff I want to talk about has nothing to do with what so and so said, or the funny things that happened today, but others aren't that interested in engaging those sorts of conversations.

I constantly feel like I'm alive in my mind and when I share a thought with someone, it' s like launching a plane that could have gone somewhere but usually crashes and burns. Their response is something like "oh, hm, interesting, silence, or right to the deep stuff heh?"

It's weird to want to develop relationships but not be able to share all of yourself for realistic probability of weirding out the friendship. I know you need to talk about regular life stuff too and I do, but I constantly feel the internal pressure to talk about what the other person is willing to engage in because I WANT to build relationships. Sometimes it's lonely and that is why I blog.

Up for air

Hi guys. I'm a posting maniac. I've been chewing on some ideas for the last few weeks but thanks to the pace of my life I haven't been able to get to a computer to post them. In regards to pictures of the girls... the truth is I'm totally computer illiterate and we don't have a digital camera yet. As well as our scanner needs to be hooked up and that's up to my handy dandy husband. Sorry, maybe I'll scan them at someone else's house and figure it out. They are both big. katie's growing out of some 6 month stuff because she's so long and chubby. Madison is having alot more happy times and i can now make her laugh. Emma's unfortunately been watching too much t.v. because it's really hard to play with her when the babies are awake because she's beginning to act out her frustration at always being interrupted. Yesterday she kissed madison so hard she left fingernail marks in her head from leaning on her. sigh. However she's been taking swimming lessons at the local "aquatic centre" and loving it. she talks about her teacher this her teacher that. When I ask her what her teacher's name is she has no idea!! cute and totally ready for preschool. anyway, thanks for still reading and commenting on my site. I haven't gotten back into the swing of checking others blogs. It's kinda like a verbal purge on my part and that's all as of late!! love ya all

Satan the policeman

A while back I was thinking about how I view Satan in regards to "being under attack" (such a christianese saying isn't it?) Anyway, what I realized is that up till recently my view of him has been as a neutral party in regards to my relationship with God. Theoretically he's supposed to be something more aggressive and scary, but the reality I've been living out of was that he'd stay out of my way if I stayed out of his. Kinda like the police.

I always get nervous when I see a cop car in my rearview mirror and wonder if they will pull me over. I check to see if my seatbelt is done up, I frantically try to remember if my insurance is renewed and I calmly reduce my speed because I'm always on the upper limits of that silly speed limit. Then I keep my eye on them as I try to drive along as if I've done and am doing nothing wrong. They usually drive by talking to one another oblivious that they've set the fear of God in me and then I exhale and go on with my life.

It dawned on me that Satan doesn't act like a policeman and he's not neutral at all. Doesn't it say that he seeks to kill and destroy? If anything he's a corrupt policeman. I wonder where I got this idea from and being raised in the church all my life I'm pretty darn sure I learned it from the institution.

A friend of mine said he sees Satan as a burgular trying to break into your place. He's so intent on getting in he just sits in wait, not sleeping, not turning away just waiting for the perfect moment when I forget to set the alarm, or leave a window open. Regardless if I'm playing by the rules and staying out of his "things" like the occult he's still wanting to rob me blind. It seems so unfair. What'd I ever do to him? Why does he have it out for me? I'm just living my life minding my own business trying to live out the kingdom of God.

It seems so innocent and gentle "the kingdom of God" but apparently the corrupt policeman satan feels otherwise and is out to get me. Out to get all of us actually. So I ask God to help me watch my windows and let me know when I've forgotten to set the alarm. I'm not alone in this and I don't have to be scared thinking I've seen him around every corner. But to ignore or minimize the reality of his existence and his nature just seems foolish now. I can't help but think the church as an institution isn't doing christians any favors either by teaching us to be so fearful we never leave our homes or oblivious that we don't know he's waiting for any opportunity to rob us blind.

The Bike

I've been wanting to buy my dad a decent bike for a few years already. But it always falls into the "we can't really afford it right now" category.

He loves to go camping at Bird's Hill Park which has a pretty neat paved bike trail. He's been using my 40 year old brother's 10 speed (the one he used while in university some 20 years ago) It does the job and my dad gets around and he enjoys his hobby of biking through nature and even off roading with it's skinny tires. My dad has used newer bikes and enjoyed them, but since he has a "perfectly good bike" he's never even thought of buying himself a new one.

I dated a guy in university who was really into biking. Needless to say he helped me buy a "really nice" bike that had more than I was used to having. Before this I didn't know it was possible to change gears without grinding and peddle effortlessly. I loved my bike for all these fabulous new features and wanted to buy my dad a really nice bike so he too could enjoy what he's never really had before.

Now this father's day I decided to buy him our dream bike. However as I went about shopping for it looking for things he needed like a comfy seat, a "seniors" color, Shimano gears, shocks and mountain bike tires a terrible reality began to set in. I coudn't buy him the bike I wanted to because it would be a 600$ bike. Not because I wasn't willing to spend that much on him but because He would refuse to keep it. Knowing my dad and his "I use what I have and I don't complain" attitude, he would make me return the gift I've dreamt of giving him. So I went about shopping for the best bike I could find that he would allow me to give him.

What I couldn't help but wonder was how often we do this to God. Refuse to accept things from him that we don't think we deserve or are too extravagant. Like grace, we all try to earn it. He wants to give us it in abundance and we will only take the crumbs that we feel we deserve because we've apologized or changed our ways. I want to be able to receive whatever it is God has for me and not limit his dreams for me with what "will do"or even meets my expectations. God's dreams for me are probably much bigger than my own. He is God afterall.

Surrender

I have a friend who keeps telling me in a voice of awe that I am the total picture of surrender to her as I walk through this journey of twins. I don't tell you this to make myself look good but because it makes me laugh that she sees me this way!

The way she says "surrender" is like it's an amazing, beautiful, feminine attribute that makes you sigh as you say it.

As I was reflecting on her comment I thought about how I got to this place of "surrender" (sigh) and couldn't help but laugh at my response. I said "well God put me in a headlock and I had no choice!"

Then I thought about the word surrender and how the little white flag waving out of the castle wall would only come as a sign of surrender when the people had no other choice but to give in or else die.

Why do we see "surrendered" people as something easy and beautiful? It usually always comes after an intense struggle or battle. Easy it is not. Beautiful... I guess it is. Maybe because we more commonly see people stuck in the battle to get their own way, miserable in headlocks but refusing to give in. Stubborn we are at nature aren't we.

My friend is right though. I have surrendered much in this journey and I can only say I wish I had done it much sooner.

Guess who...

Hello just wanted to do a quickie post as I sneak some time on the computer.

My girls are doing great at nights, almost 1 week of consistency. Katie is sleeping 9 hours straight (best baby ever) and Maddie gets up only once now and settles easily within 20 minutes. Very manageable and so exciting.

June has been an out of the house month for me and the girls. We spent half a week at my mother in laws visiting and then almost a week and a half at my parents just vacationing. I set up a pool on the front lawn and told Emma we were at the lake. Once I figure out how to post pictures I will post little emma in her Dora bathing suit. I came home quite refreshed with lots of thoughts I wanted to write about. However I don't know where the scrap of paper is I scribbled them on is...

Looking terribly forward to summer. Please feel free to come for a visit to Altona. We have a great pool in town for kids and our deck and backyard feel like your at the cottage. Day vacation's in Altona welcome!

Ron and Marsha thanks for the postcard. So good to hear from you guys... still meaning to call and catch up...

That's all for now. I'm looking forward to getting back in the habit of regularly airing my thoughts on my blog....

bye

Freedom

I heard a fabulous message at church the other week and it was on FREEDOM. It really got me thinking about what freedom truly is. And that maybe the freedom I've been searching for, holding out for isn't the freedom that Christ has for me.

Darlene went through all the ways our world views freedom..."freedom 55, economic freedom, political/social freedom-free to vote, freedom of speech, the sexual revolution to be free, psycological freedom in dealing with our "past", freedom of choice of a spouse/car/career... etc..

We're all about freedom in our society. Didn't you all just dream of what you would do when you moved out from your parents? Freedom is a goal our society values. I'm just not sure this is the freedom that christ died for, that cost him so much.

When I think of what true freedom means to me, it looks alot like perfection. To me to be free would be to have no more "issues" that tangle me up. I'd know how to handle every situation, i'd be free to speak my mind, i'd be free from the lies that keep me living in fear. I'd be able to give money away without it being an issue that our bills may not get paid. I wouldn't be needy any more and be able to do things on my own, figure things out without inconveniencing others with my troubles or messy little life. I want to be free from fear, free from pain, free from others, free from hiccups in the road. Free?

I couldn't help but think about God's funny ways of his upside down kingdom. Where he says to die to yourself is to really live. Where Christ's horrible Death on the cross = Life for us. Where to give is better to receive. Where the first shall be last and the last first. Where blessed are the poor. Where the rich young ruler is asked to give it all away.

And it dawned on me. I never think like God thinks. I much prefer to receive. I much prefer to be rich. I'd think the rich young ruler keeping it all and setting up some nice orphanages and counselling services would be a much better use of the money than just giving it away to people who may not spend it wisely. He's rich, he knows how to spend wisely doesnt' me? poor is bad. Poor means you haven't worked hard enough, your lazy, your unmotivated to make a better life for yourself, your stuck in your addictions. Are these the poor Jesus talks about or is he talking about the minority of poor who are immigrants, who just can't get a leg up, who try all they can and just can't get ahead. Well those poor in my head should be blessed, but ALL the poor? The squeegee guy who should just get a job? And really I think I can sometimes do it myself. That I don't need God's grace and salvation. I can work hard enough to earn it, or even to not need it. I can be kind, I can be generous, I can figure out what's wrong with me and read the right book to know how to fix it, fix me. I can live just fine without "dying to myself" - myself isn't really that bad is it now.

My ways when I get right down to it are not God's. My thoughts are not his. So then why do I think the way I see freedom and what it really could mean for me is what God sees or means? I haven't been right so far.

What if God's freedom looks like DEPENDENCE. What if God's freedom looks like NEEDING, like NOT HAVING IT ALL TOGETHER. Like having problems and road bumps all the time. What if freedom is having BOUNDARIES, having somethings that are NO's to us. Like health, like wealth, like un-handicapped kids, like problem free families. Maybe the things we fight against to be free from are really the things God had in mind to bring us freedom. True freedom. His freedom. Makes me look at my life differently. makes me stop struggling to be FREE from them.

Coming up to 12 weeks

Hello friends. I sure miss blogging more regularly as an outlet to all my thoughts. But me and the girls have some fascinating discussions that keep me engaged intelectually! Lately it sounds more like this "moi, moi, phft, phft" as I make noises at the girls trying to get them to coo. Kate is really into talking and all she needs is a face to engage her. She's our (dare I say ) easy baby. Unfortunately for her the "easy baby" role has resulted in her starting to get a flat head since she is so content to sit in her swing, on her playmat, in the crib all in the same position. We've now brought out the exersaucer to help with alternate positions but poor thing, doesn't look good for her. Maddie's head is nice and round because she most prefers being held. And since I most prefer her not screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs we indulge.

We are almost at the 12 week mark and doing better than just surviving. We hit a major milestone this past week when both girls slept 7 hours AT THE SAME TIME through the night. This was only shadowed by the fact that Emma was up twice during that time. Seems you just can't win as a parent... when the girls are up, Emma sleeps, when they sleep Emma's up.

Ron I appreciated your comment about the final diaper. I can't even envision that yet for the twins! Emma officially potty trained herself by my lazy-get someone else to do it- parenting style. She basically came home from the babysitters place where her playmate 6 months younger was trained after her mom took a week off work to do so. She gets jelly beans to go on the potty so Emma told me and then asked if she could get jelly beans if she went pee on the potty. I agreed and after about 12 jelly beans she is done. No drama, no setting my timer, no more pet-type accidents on my carpet. However I do carry the shame of me not being one of those mom's to "work" at it and "be consistent" as the books say. The funny thing was I was really beating up on myself for not having tried harder to get her potty trained before the twins came (when I actually had time and energy?) since she was on the verge of turning 3. I felt like a loser mom and then it just tail spins out of control from there to just being a loser in general. But a few days later this jelly bean encounter came up and it happened like I hoped it would, her letting me know when she was really interested, me not pushing it making myself crazy, and it getting done fairly quickly without me needing to get new carpets. In the end it's better than I could have expected, it just took some patience to get here and now I'm glad I didn't try to force it earlier. It's just too bad I thought I was a loser.

So, how are we doing this twins thing? people are often asking us. It's fairly flexible in regards to what I need by the week. We've been receiving meals from our church 3 times a week up till this past week which has been so super helpful. Just taking that stress off of us. Then we are open to receiving any help anyone is willing to give. It's been a beautiful opportunity to build relationships with people we may not have had the chance to get to know otherwise. And everyone is so into holding babies it's been truly awesome to go places because there is always someone who swears they really don't mind. We have our folks out every week or other week for a few days to just help with the housework and then I do my errands or treat myself to some alone time. Emma's into playdates now so she's going various places at least twice a week. I've spent a week at my folks place for a "vacation". And we ask our single friends to hang out with us in the evenings to help settle the girls while we put Emma to bed or if it's been a long day. We've even had a few "sleep overs" where our friends settle the babies while I go to bed to get a bit of an uninterrupted stretch.

What I've been realizing through this experience is to invite someone into my need is to invite them into relationship with me. We have connected with alot of the single folks at church and these have been the majority of friends we have been asking for help in the evenings. Moreso because I know they have the time and I don't feel bad about taking them away from whatever it is they could be doing. It's been awesome for us because we don't feel isolated at all, we are getting help with "the Load", we are deepening our friendships, we are having some fabulous discussions, I get the inside scoop on the life of a twenty something which I LOVE and I feel like I can give back to them by sharing a meal, sharing our family and sharing our life with them. Unfortunately I feel bad that I am not deepening other existing friendships in the same way. But the hardest thing to do is to ask someone to help when you know their plate is already full. It's not about hearing a "NO" but rather about not putting someone in a position that I just don't think is fair. So I don't ask my friends with kids for help because I feel their plates are full enough. And it seems there is never a good time in my head for them to "have spare time" to help. I just wish I could bring the two together... to invite into my need and develop a deeper relationship without feeling like I'm just taking and stressing out someone else. The beauty of community. Not easy to figure out.

So that's how we're doing it. It's working for us and I'm really enjoying this stage of motherhood with little ones. It seemed much more of a struggle with my first child and maybe it was because I tried to do it all alone. Whatever the case may be this isn't what I thought it would look like. I'm laughing more, leaving the house more, actually showering leisurely at times, alive in my mind, and getting spit up on and pooped on in the most memorable places. This is our journey at the moment.

Monthly updates...

So Ron I appreciate you wanting to hear from me. Maybe you'd like to come take care of the babies so I could steal a minute to get onto the computer!!!

It's a lot "constantly busier" than I had imagined. And it's overwhelming and more than one person can handle. I'm hoping to explore some alternative survival strategies in the next few days as the best one I've come up with is to go and live with my parents. This ironically made me feel the least crazy of all of the things I've tried.

Anyway, don't have time for a long post. So much I wish I could write about since I've been stewing and chewing on a few ideas.

Just an update on our Free 4 All held a few weeks back. (see my hubby's blog for details) Basically we decided to have a free garage sale and the responses were really interesting. It was fun by the way to give away our stuff. It made me feel like Oprah and she gives new EXPENSIVE stuff not just o.k. used stuff.

So the responses fit into a few categories...

1. Unable to accept a free gift and forcing us to take money for the stuff we want to give freely
2. The "can't believe it's not butter" response the "are you sure" looking back as they walk away with their finds wondering if the secret service will jump out of the bushes and catch them in
3.The don't ask any questions, take what you see and run
4. The truly thankful, look you in the eye and receive it
5. The ones more interested in wanting to know why we're doing this rather than receiving the free stuff
6. Not taking anything

The interesting thing about it was it felt like a lesson in how we receive grace. It felt like I had an inside peek at how we respond to God's free gift of mercy, grace and salvation. How many of us struggle to believe it's really free, that god really doesn't want our good works to earn it, that truly we can't earn it. But often, me included, we make ourselves feel better because we've "paid" for it. We've worked for it, and denied ourselves things in order to allow us to feel worthy of receiving it. If it's free, it's free. Paying is just a waste of your time and energy.

What struck me was how only one person of the almost 15 who came engaged me in a conversation about WHY we were doing this. We had initially thought about putting up info on the garage explaining why we were doing it but then it felt a bit like we were prostelytizing, or giving out a tract and then our "free" gift doesn't feel so free anymore because it comes with a price to hear why before you get your stuff. It made me wonder how many people just take God's free gift lightly, just say "well o.k. if you say it's free , thanks and walk away with their "stuff" without understanding why God did it. Or rather walk away looking back saying "are you sure, are you sure" thinking any minute it'll be stolen from them and they were right, it couldn't possibly be free. How can we receive his free gift freely, without needing to pay for it, without fear of it being taken away, or without understanding what it means to really accept it freely if we don't understand WHY he wants to give it to us for free.

Another interesting outcome was that we still have stuff left over. We thought we'd need to limit it so that one person wouldn't come and take everything. Human nature apparently proved us wrong. It seems having it free made people more thoughtful about what they took. We thought we'd see greed, instead we saw respect. I think if we'd labelled everything 25 cents it would have sold out pretty darn quickly. Who doesn't love a deal. But free is better than a deal.

One person's comment really stuck with me. She said "we've never seen such a thing" Why is giving away our overflow, the stuff we don't want so hard to comprehend? It makes me wonder just how much we as humans don't give away freely. Like love or forgiveness or even kindness. It needs to be earned, or we only give it to the people we like, or the people we know. Wouldn't it be cool if it wasn't so odd to receive things you didn't deserve all the time? Makes me want to practice this in so many facets of my life.

However, at the moment I've never seen my kids sleep through the night at the same time. I'm sure when I "see such a thing" it'll change me too !!!

So no promises about the next update. But I sure have missed keeping up to date on your goings ons. The girls are almost 10 weeks and 2 lbs different in weight. Very different kids and we're enjoying them mostly when they are not crying!

Until next time

Good morning

So, it's 5:30 ish and everyone is sleeping BUT ME!!! Those exclamations aren't excitement, more like exasperation. It's truly ironic that I have to pull myself out of bed to address the crying baby and by the time they are settled, voila I'm wide awake. I have to say that it's been a blessing to have gotten used to this crazy sleep schedule way before the babies had actually arrived because it's not as hard to get used to now.

I have lots of thoughts running around my head. The first is if we as the church are making a grave error by not teaching on hearing the voice of the holy spirit. I have a friend whose a fairly new christian and is stuck in her pain and unsure how to hear God's voice apart from it being spoken by others into her life. It kinda comes into the category of thinking we're helping for the immediate time but really disempowering in the long run.

I first started thinking about it the last few weeks of our pregnancy when our extended families' anxiousness over the unknown was at a head. Alot of these people are believers and in retrospect I found it interesting and frustrating to look back and realize that the only voice repeatedly telling me that God was in control and it would all work out was mine. What others were doing was sharing their concerns and opinions, which were totally valid, like if we should be travelling with a possible storm warning in effect, if I should live with family the last month of our pregnancy in the city near the hospital, whether we should get induced or have a c-section, what we should do after the babies arrive to "survive". But all these concerns were really based in fear of "what if" and where does the sovereignty of God and my life being totally in his hands come into the equation?

That's where I started thinking about the voice of the Holy spirit. Jesus tells his disciples before his crucifixion that he will be going to the father but that the Holy spirit will be sent. It's a direct connection to God. Do we as a church utilize it enough? Do we live our lives actively seeking out his "opinion" on our problems, fears and decisions? I don't know how to mesh the mind's wisdom and the voice of the spirit, because in my experience they are not always saying the same thing. Like take us moving to Altona for a half time worship job. On a purely logical level it doesn't appear to be a smart decision. We're moving away from family to a community we have little connection with, we're leaving my good job for no guaranteed job, it's only half time, the housing market in Altona was NOT cheaper, it's a huge risk and there are no guarantees. Why did we do it? Because the voice of the spirit was inviting us. It seems as I think back on the gospels that the disciples were continuously doing things that seemed "crazy" and "illogical" like leaving their jobs on the spot to follow a man they had just met. Like selling their posesssions and land to share with their fellowship community for nothing in return. Like being killed for refusing to deny Jesus.

So back to opinions. Why are we so eager to share our "wisdom" when we have no idea what the holy spirit is saying? And when we have no idea what God is really up to for this person's life. If we had listened to all the concerned voices that encouraged us NOT to move to Altona we'd be missing out on all the blessings we're currently enjoying. Like our house, having twins in our old house would have been a nightmare. I LOVE the house we are in and am so glad we didn't have to move when we were pregnant. And then take our church community. Rural living is something else. The town is your community and we've been so embraced by everyone I have never felt more cared for and known. It's really cool too that even though we don't have family living in town, we have people dropping by and calling all the time offering to help us out. It's like a large extended family that live within 5 minutes of you. I can't help but think that in God's master plan he knew about the twins and was getting our ducks in order to prepare us for their arrival well before they were even conceived. Now with a God who cares so much about the details of our lives and is so aware of all the intricate connections of the goings on in our present and future what is there really to worry about?

I fear this is way too simplistic, but maybe God doesn't need to be so complicated.

Introducing my hubby

Hello blogworld. Just wanted to let you know I have finally convinced my husband to start a blog.

He's at http://www.jonloeppky.blogspot.com/

I'm looking forward to expanding our blogging community and adding a few more altonian friends. (fyi... altonian's are like albanians only less eastern european-like)

Opinions

Yes, like Yvonne (and Paul her brother) says, they are like butts, everybody has one. And I must say this is a bit of a vent blog. I know my situation brings up compassion and concern and even overwhelming support. But I have to say I am surprised at the amount and RANGE of things people (mostly family) feel very free to share with me.

Not that any of them are offensive, just at no other time in my life can I compare getting the amount of opinions about what will improve my life, why the babies are fussy and what I should do about it, what I should or shouldn't do for myself and family. It truly is endless.

Thank you for not having any opinions dear blogger friends. I guess my new approach to wanting opinions is "If I want your opinon I'll ask for it". Sound fair?

So these are some of my favorites...

1. How to bathe the babies (my mom in law and mom are in opposition over this one)
2. What color's I should color code my babies (apparently one doesn't have the skin coloring to pull off yellow)
3. How an erasable white board could improve my life (and help me keep track of details I'm not interested in)
4. How a fussy baby MUST be my fault "IT's obviously something you ate"
5. When I should start getting out of the house (still not interested)
6. If children with a runny nose should be allowed to visit my house and touch Emma's toys
7. If my screaming, rooting baby is indeed hungry
8. How many sleepers a kid really needs (now this one I am somewhat undecided on? opinions welcomed!!)

I guess that is all for the moment. I just find it amazing that the past week, my stress has come more from deflecting opinons and trying to find my own mothering instinct voice within than from screaming babies keeping me up.

However, I must add I have on more than one occasion decided to return them both in the morning because I no longer found this fun. Thankfully for them, mornings are our best time of day!!

I don't know how to respond to all the comments I've received (etiquette wise) so I'll just say here it's been so great to share this with so many friends, many of whom I'm not in regular contact with. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement.

Now a question for a fellow twin..Colleen did you and your twin always share a room growing up or would you have rather had seperate ones? You know me, just planning ahead!

Alright, keep those opinons coming...

Katelyn and Madison

I just wanted to share with you a few images of our girls the day we came home from the hospital.

Kate (Top)
Madison (Middle)
Me and the Girls

The short story

Just to say I think I have a problem. I am choosing blogging over a shower. It's been tough to stay away from the computer since home to opt for sleep or eating. Is this addiction?

Anyway, besides a crappy night thanks to my little one who eats like a bird, all is well. Kate eats great and has become "my favorite" in the moment at 4 a.m. when she is sleeping soundly and Madison is squawing AGAIN. But then I hold my squawker and fall in love all over and how can you have favorites? I just have two to love.

After much emotional angst last week I decided to agree to induction as NOTHING else worked to set my body into motion. I started out at 4 cm 50% effaced Wednesday and by Saturday no change. So we went on the waiting list Thursday and received "the call" Saturday at 5:15 p.m. It's what it must be like being on the organ reception list, every time our cell phone went off my heart just started racing.... Is this the call?

Anyway, we got to the hospital room by 6:30 and waited till 9:15 to get assessed by the resident. I wanted to know where we were starting at so I'd have an idea if I'd made any progress since Thursday's check. I was really hoping to have made it to 7cm and to have the kids by midnight. So they started all their stuff which really bugged me, the fetal monitors, the IV, hospital gown and no bra (that bugged me the most) and a nurse who should have retired a long time ago. After much drama with my crabby nurse, my favorite part being where she answered one of my questions by telling me that if I didn't do blah blah blah my uterus could rupture or I could hemmorage to death, her shift ended. Thank goodness Deanna was there. It was just wonderful to have someone I trusted who had perspective and heard my voice and my fears. I know she's disappointed to have missed the birth but I don't think Jon or I could have held it together without her watching over us.

So by 12:15 a.m my Doctor came to see if we'd made any progress. Apparently the twins heartbeats were all over the place and they were'nt sure if this was an accurate assessment of the syntocinon's effect on them. He broke Kate's water to put a scalp clip in to keep better track of her and I started to cry because it was just another thing I didn't want for my labor. I thought for sure the more interventions I have the more to come down the line. But as soon as my water broke, whammo contractions started about 5 minutes apart and quickly progressed to 1-2 minutes apart. We called the midwife at 1 a.m. because things were well on the way and I was putting off having the "non-negotiable" epidural until she got there to be my voice for a epi-block rather than a full going epidural. She took longer than I was expecting so by 2 a.m. my breathing was changing and even though I was only 5 cm I agreed to the epidural. And I must add was quite looking forward to relief being on it's way. My midwife got there shortly after and fed me ice chips between contractions while Jon held his post rubbing my lower back where the most intensity was. I labored the whole time just sitting on the side of the bed. I don't know if any of you can relate but getting a laboring woman to switch positions is next to impossible.

Well I think she measured me again at 2:15 and I was 7 cm and by the time the anesthesiologist got there at 2:25 I was already 9 c.m. and the nurse was able to feel the head. As soon as he heard about my progress more drama started as I had to be whisked to the OR room to deliver (that was the plan all along, in case an emergency c-section was required). So they had to get this uncooperative laboring woman to LIE DOWN on the bed to be whisked down the hall. No sooner had my last check been done than I started feeling the "pressure" and on the way to the OR room I screamed "I'm pushing I can't stop it" and with one push out came the head and the next push out came her shoulders. I remember hearing "THE HEAD'S CROWING WE NEED A DOCTOR IN HERE... OH THE BABY'S BORN" Jon was in the change room getting his scrubs on, so by the time he got into the room he heard Kate crying and they were cleaning her up.

The doctor got there fairly quickly and when he checked out the next twin, her head was already down and in position for another head first labor. The whole reason they wanted me to get the epidural was for the sake of the second twin in case it presented elbow first or something, so quite coooperative children I must say. So the resident tried to break my water with the second one and fiddled around for a while before my doc finally did at 3:04. Madison was born at 3:07 after the longest push of my life. Her head was smaller but she came out face up which makes for a bigger head diameter. I still feel this one, but thank goodness no stitches were needed. And no epidural which is what I was most afraid of. Not that I'm a sucker for pain but with Emma's labor being so quick I just wanted to let my body do what I knew it could and I figured I would go pretty fast. And I'm really really really afraid of needles. Especially ones insterted into my spine. An IV was bad enough. What a suck.

My favorite part of the story is that after I finally opened my eyes to look around the OR room I realized a doctor was holding my hand. There were blue clad, masked people rushing everywhere and one of them who was waiting for the next twin had decided to hold my hand. I said to him, "Thank you so much, I didn't know I needed someone to hold my hand and it's just what I needed at this moment". The next day I was recounting the story to Jon and calling this terribly sensitive, thoughtful, caring doctor "THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER". At which point Jon said with a weird look on his face "that was me" he even went on to tell me he responded to my comment about it being what I needed, but apparently lala land has only one way communication!!! And then I looked back on that moment saying, "well he was tall like you, and thin like you, and he WAS wearing glasses like you..." but throw on blue scrubs, a face mask and an OR hat and all you have are eyes. Jon even asked if the big honking camera hanging around his neck didn't give his identity away, but I really didn't notice it at the moment, or didn't think it was weird for this sensitive doctor to pick up our camera so we wouldn't miss out on any pictures. I can't help laughing at this!!!

So there you have it, the short story. In the end it was just the way I would have wished it to go, quickly. But going into it with so much unknown was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. God has been so good to me. What else can I say?

The girls are totally different temperments and definately are not identical looking. I really love that they are unique individuals right off the bat. I don't feel like they are twins, just two babies who happen to be the same age. It's been kinda like having a science experiment before my eyes with the absolute differences between them. anyway, sneaking off to have a shower. More to say but no more time... Thanks again for all the prayers and support. We have felt SOOO loved during this time. MOI.(that was a big kiss to you all)

BABIES!!!

*Yvonne peers into the room*

Rhonda asked me to happily announce the following!!

This morning at 2:45, and 3:07am ,

Jon and Rhonda welcomed 2 more little girls into their family!!

Caitlyn Parker

and

Madison Jones

Their weights were 6 lb 2 oz, and 5 lb 12 oz

The birth went just great, and Rhonda is a very happy, yet tired Mommy. I'm sure she'll update here soon on the details!!! (Not sure about the spelling of the names, so don't monogram any towels for them yet!!!)

*Yvonne exits the room*

still waiting

Hello all. Thanks so much for all the encouraging comments. I really feel the prayers because my spirits are lifted and it has NOTHING to do with anything I'm doing. We are currently waiting to be induced. This morning I was first on the list and it's apparently been a busy day on the ward so I'm probably not getting in till tomorrow. I'm not sure what to wish for anymore. But that is o.k. This really is out of my hands.

The good news is my body is prepared and I totally feel like all it needs is a little jumpstart and whammo we'll be on the way. So we are bumming around Winnipeg, sleeping in anyone's bed, homeless and childless for this week. We also celebrated our 5 th wedding anniversary yesterday. I watched the video at 5 a.m. and really enjoyed seeing us so in love and really unchanged in how much we laugh together. Please pray for Jon. It feels like he is carrying the burden of this waiting stress in his body and that's never been good for his Chron's. Yet we totally feel God is in control and his timing will be perfect even though it's NOT AT ALL what we thought would be best for us and our family.

I was lying in bed thinking about poor Mary, Jesus' mother. How is it she spent the last few days of her pregnancy on a horse travelling away from home. And then how disappointing to find out you couldn't even get a hotel room to have a decent sleep. I can only imagine she wondered where God was in all of this. And she didn't have a midwife with her, nor her mother AND she gave birth to her first baby in a barn. If I didn't know better I'd think God doesn't value Women much and has no compassion. This scenario for her is not what I would have thought God would have chosen for her to walk through. It's just all wrong from my perspective. She was all alone, away from home and family, not getting any breaks along the way. I mean this would have seemed much more redeemable in my eyes had they gone to the super 8 for a room and got upgraded to the presidential suite at the Hilton for the same price and birthed AT LEAST in a bit of comfort.

Not that I'm comparing myself to Mary, I was just so aware that she was carrying the Messiah and was "blessed" among women and chosen by God and her journey was so much more difficult than mine. I would have bitched and complained the whole way, while crying hysterically.

I sure have alot to learn about God's ways and fully yielding myself to his plans.

Babies on the horizon. I'll keep you posted. Love you all and thanks so much for all the support and love I feel.

The landscape of this place

I am over 38 weeks, longer than I could have imagined to go. The Dr. yesterday gave me some perspective and said 38 weeks with twins is like 42 with one. And this is how I feel. As of monday I just cracked and started crying. I've been doing really great up till now but what does that matter now? I guess besides healthy babies which I am thankful for. Nothing seems to be "taking" and my body is totally not responding to trying to jumpstart labor. I feel terribly defeated and exhausted and spent. I just want it over with. I want my body back and my life back. But there seems to be no end to this life I wander through. I feel like a caged tiger just pacing in a tiny space.

I awoke an hour ago like usual and couldn't go back to sleep so I just started writing. I don't know if this is too much information to share on a blog but I can always erase it if I feel exposed after the fact.


The cruel irony of this place makes me want to cry. I have nothing left. No more hope, no more joy, no more voice. Everything has been taken. I am but a shell. Death surrounds me ironically on the brink of life. Confusion is a companion. Insanity feels so close. I want death to end it all and put me out of my suffering. My vision of the life, LIFE ABUNDANT is gone. I can not see past the next outbreak of tears. I feel like I"m living the same emotional landscape of the disciples after Christ was crucified. An ending that wasn't on any ones horizons. No one could have imagined this terrible outcome, it was supposed to be different-no indication was given that it wouldn't be as hoped. But the unthinkable.

It feels like I'm stuck in some sort of pergatory half-way place. I'm not living death surrounds me, hopelessness is the air I breathe and yet I'm not dead. I see others living all around me.

There is the life we see on earth through our eyes and the life God sees from his vantage point. It's an upside kingdom DEFEAT=VICTORY DEATH =LIFE Nothing makes sense

How is it the enemy knows God's currency and yet torments us with the lies that it is not as it is. God give me strength to see what can not be seen with my earthly eyes.

I was just listening to this verse and it really spoke to me- it's a song by Dave Ruis

When the sunlight has faded and the darkness my friend
And the sorrows are rolling and the suffering just won't end
I will lift up my eyes and give glory to your name
And I'll rest in your promise over me

This is terribly dramatic, I am well aware. However it is my reality at this moment. Pray for me that I will survive labor with nothing of my own to offer.

Still cooking...

Hello, just got back from the city yesterday still pregnant. And made it through the night, still pregnant. I'm not getting anxious yet, or frustrated about feeling "done" but I'm sure that is in the near future. Thankfully I have a few diversions this week to keep me going day to day.

There's a worship evening at our church tonight that I'm really looking forward to going to so tonight would be the only time I WOULDN'T want them to come. And then we're back in Winnipeg wednesday for another assessment.

They said the babies were about 5 1/2 lbs which is great for 37 weeks. But now I need to change my focus from taking it easy and avoiding anything that will induce labor to doing EVERYTHING to induce labor.

Loved your comment Marsha. It's amazing how all 5 could be so different and yet beautiful. I need to remember that because my first was so great I feel I can only be disappointed by this one.

Anyway keep checking i'll let you know!